Separation after death

[Wordlelover]

Hi all -- I have been coming to this website and getting support from all of you for years now, but never actually posted. My therapist recommended this website at the beginning of our treatment together --I am the product of two parents who most likely had narcissistic personality disorder. With therapy and this website, I was able to come to terms with my mom (my dad passed away many years ago), and able to carve out an ok relationship with her during her final years. My mother passed away during COVID and I have had to work with my two siblings to settle the estate. Although not necessarily hugely close, we've always got along generally when we were together, and I thought there was a stronger bond because of the craziness of how we grew up. 

My mom's death seems to have brought up some issues with one of my siblings that I think I overlooked in the past. This sibling tends to be on the depressed side and I know has a very difficult relationship with his spouse. He has always been more responsive when I was having problems in my relationship with my spouse than when things were going well in my life. SInce our mom's death, he has not responded to any of the communications about the estate. Although my mother made all of us executors, I have been the main person dealing with the estate. He has just been completely incommunicado and has done absolutely nothing for the estate.

Also, my sibling has always had an issue with my oldest child and has been passive aggressive toward him -- comments that could be teasing, but could be hurtful, etc. I chalked it up to a personality conflict because my oldest is probably as close to the complete opposite of my sibling as you could imagine. As my child has gotten older though, my sibling has gotten meaner. The last time we saw my sibling and his family, he was just unnecessarily rude to my oldest. They had invited us to spend a few days with them at the beach. But then when we were there, nobody really spoke to us. When I tried to make small talk, I was shut down. For five hours, I sat on the beach with my sibling and his spouse and they never said a word to me. The kids played in the ocean together. The weekend was awkward and I decided we would leave early on the last day to return home. I think we were good guests -- I left a thank you note, made sure my kids cleaned up after themselves and paid for parking as well as activities at the amusement park to thank them for inviting us. Besides the beach time, my sibling's kids generally ignored my kids and spent most of the time on their phones. That sibling and I have not spoken since the morning I left. He has not responded to any of my communications about my mother's estate. He has not responded to calls or texts. He has not responded to monthly spreadsheets regarding the costs of a vacation property we inherited and for which I pay the bills and need to collect the money from my siblings. He did not contribute his share of the vacarion property for six months, and a few weeks after I had texted him saying that the bills on the property were straining my budget, he had his wife call me about it. She said that she "didn't want to be owing people money." She then sent a check for their share of the bills.

So, yesterday, I receive a text from his wife saying that it is my niece's confirmation this Saturday and we should come to their house at 12:30 because they are "doing something." This was the first mention of the confirmation, but I know the date was made well in advance as they are usually scheduled far out. I also know that my other sibling and his wife were contacted about the confirmation in the fall, because they mentioned being sponsors -- they never mentioned a date. We already made plans for Saturday, and I texted back that I wish I had known earlier and that we already had plans. She responded, "I texted too late. You can come at the last minute if you want." My kids all have said they don't like the uncle because of how he treats my oldest son. They also have said that they don't like it that we always go to their cousins' events and the cousins never come to their events. There have always been "good" reasons -- my sibling works long hours and works weekends, he can't get off from work, and we live about an hour away and his spouse won't drive the kids by herself. But, it is true -- even before COVID, they could never make my children's birthday parties or special events. This confirmation will be the first time we miss an event. I struggle with my own feelings of self-worth and self-esteem, and the past two years with the pandemic have seriously increased my anxiety levels.  I am so angry and hurt by their actions. I also suspect that they actually didn't want us coming to the event (the last time we were at their house, their dog bit my oldest son and they would have to keep the dog locked up if we attended. They said a few times how it was such a shame their dog had to be locked up). I've always wanted to feel a part of a larger family, but I recognize that isn't going to happen -- my siblings are the only family I have left. If I don't make contact with my other sibling, he will not make contact with me.  I guess I am just grieving for the loss -- although truthfully, probably lost them years ago. I am most angry because my kids have been hurt. My husband and I have always been kind, warm and welcoming to their kids and unfortunately, that has not been reciprocated.

Thanks for reading this. I do feel better having vented.

[bunnie]

My mother died recently as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to a death exacerbating dysfunctional family dynamics. I have 3 siblings and one has become completely unhinged towards the rest of us, but particularly towards me. I, too, thought our bond was stronger than it is. It is so terribly difficult when the love we show is not reciprocated and spit on.

I wish I could offer more words of comfort, but I will say that your (and your kids') perspective and feelings are valid and deserve to be honored. It's unfair to be required to do all of the emotional and social lifting in relationships. I do understand how you feel and what you are going through.

I'm sure others will pop in to offer some great support and encouragement.

[nanotech]

It's funny how they want us at an event but once we are there they ignore us? I've been frozen out many a time. But then they grumbled if I turned anything down! Sometimes they bore a grudge in response to my not having attended an event. One such event I was given less than 24 hours  notice. We couldn't get there. My Nsister acted fine about it, but waited until my daughters 21st came round and made sure her whole FOC snubbed it. She cited my 'refusal'  to attend her son's  party as the reason. Well I had less than 24 hours notice and the notice consisted of a garbled message left on my landline answerphone at 10.30 at night, that I might well have missed completely.  We gave them a few months notice.
They've NO business being mean to your child. Dogs that bite ? - don't get me started. I'm sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking. Since I stopped overfunctioning  within the family system ( see jerry Wise on YouTube)  I believe I've threatened its stability, so my siblings have stopped any communication. If they can't be mocking / passive aggressive they literally don't know how to be with me.
But I think keeping away is the healthy thing to do. I now only bother with healthy relationships.
My Nbrother and his wife hardly spoke to me at events also. He's just rude by omission to all of us, but especially to my youngest daughter. I think it's because she always saw right through all the PDs in my FOO.  Maybe your oldest child does too?

[M0009803]

When FOO behaves this way it becomes clear you are simply an "obligation" invite.  I have been there so I do understand.

They would never choose to invite you if you were not related or (for example) somebody dropped out of the event/they needed extra people at a short notice.

This is also why they will tend to ignore you once you are there. 

Its a tough situation to digest and accept, but you are simply not any kind of priority for them.

Easier to deal with them once you accept that.  Do however be careful with the occasional rant from them claiming otherwise.   Actions should always match the words being communicated, if they do not...that should set off a red flag.

[Wordlelover]

Hello again --

Just wanted to thank you for reading my vent. After I wrote it, I gave myself a day not to think about it and now, will move on.

Bunny, I am sorry for your loss and that the death pushed your sibling into acting unhinged. It's hard enough losing your mother -- no matter what the relationship was like -- and dealing with your own grief, and then having other family member's stuff make it worse.  I hope that things settle soon.

Nanotech -- I really appreciate your words and your validating my thoughts and feelings. I think you are correct -- my oldest son does see through him and that is the reason for my brother's bad behavior. I had never thought about it that way. And that will help me through the next few months, as there will have to be some minor contact to sell the vacation property and close the estate.

M0009803 -- I don't think I ever considered myself a priority to them, and actually was aware we were invited for more reasons than we were wanted. If you knew my Bro and SIL, you would know that they don't  exactly have a large social network -- we would sometimes say in passing, we were just bodies to make it feel like a party.  :-)  The kids seemed to enjoy spending time together when they were younger, but with their kids no longer interested in my kids, making sure my kids don't get hurt will take priority. Thanks for the advice -- I will make sure not to be sucked in by any future rant :-)

[nanotech]

Hello again --

Just wanted to thank you for reading my vent. After I wrote it, I gave myself a day not to think about it and now, will move on.

Bunny, I am sorry for your loss and that the death pushed your sibling into acting unhinged. It's hard enough losing your mother -- no matter what the relationship was like -- and dealing with your own grief, and then having other family member's stuff make it worse.  I hope that things settle soon.

Nanotech -- I really appreciate your words and your validating my thoughts and feelings. I think you are correct -- my oldest son does see through him and that is the reason for my brother's bad behavior. I had never thought about it that way. And that will help me through the next few months, as there will have to be some minor contact to sell the vacation property and close the estate.

M0009803 -- I don't think I ever considered myself a priority to them, and actually was aware we were invited for more reasons than we were wanted. If you knew my Bro and SIL, you would know that they don't  exactly have a large social network -- we would sometimes say in passing, we were just bodies to make it feel like a party.  :-)  The kids seemed to enjoy spending time together when they were younger, but with their kids no longer interested in my kids, making sure my kids don't get hurt will take priority. Thanks for the advice -- I will make sure not to be sucked in by any future rant :-)

I'm glad I was able to help. It helps me to help you! As I write, I often clarify my own thinking and come to conclusions regarding my own problems and dilemmas.
I'm wishing you the very best over the next few months. Xx