Shame

[JustKeepTrying]

A few days ago Trevor Noah spoke about Kardashian/West/Davis.  I frankly don't care about any of them but the sentiment of the speech was basically - "If a woman of great wealth and influence can't get free without threat and harassment, what do women/people without that do?  When do we as a people, put the hazard lights on in those situations to ensure no one comes to harm."  It was a quite profound segment and really got me to thinking.  (google it - it's worth it)

Thinking about shame.

There was an with my DD and my SIL after I left my xOCPDh where she wanted to know why I left.  I spoke with tears about the years of mental and emotional and financial abuse.  I didn't mention that he tried to hit me.  I just couldn't go there.  I thought at the time that I was saving them from the worst of it.  But now as I reflect I think that a good part of it was shame.

Shame that I didn't leave decades ago when he smashed his fist into the wall millimeters from my head.  Or again when he threw a wrench at me.

In my mind I just couldn't process the reality of what he was doing.  It is and was so unbelievable.  I made so many excuses in my mind.  Allowed so much to pass by in a hope that I wasn't seeing it.  I was gaslighting myself.

I feel so sad for that woman.  So much distress for not getting myself out of that situation. 

And when you know the world will not look at it.  Will say things like "Don't be dramatic" or "Did you talk back" or even simply "Are you sure". It is hard to stand up to that - or even the perception of it.

I'm not sure where I go from here.  How I forgive myself and start to live the truth of what I lived through.  How I reconcile yesterday with tomorrow?  Or how I move from this very deep lasting scar.  I have come a great distance over the past few years - this is one of the last emotional hurdles I need to jump.

On the physical side, I am healing.  I have many more months to go of slow and steady PT.  It will be quite some time before I know if the surgery took as they say.  Radiation really does a number of the bone so I am hopeful there is still some live bone tissue to graft to this new femur.  I am enjoying my new place the sense of stability and freedom it gives me.

Thank you all.

[moglow]

Shame is an awful thing. Leaves us thinking we can and should somehow control the [mis]behavior of others. And so many outside the situations reinforce the "you should have [fill in the blank] so this mess is all on you now!" implying that we somehow deserved it for not stopping it. We're taught that we must suck it up, keep silent, rise above, etc, while the abuse continues. We're not told that other people's opinions us don't really matter, that they don't change who we are.

The shame is not yours and you have nothing to atone for. Start there. If you owe apologies, make them and keep on rolling, do better going forward.

[moglow]

One thing I've been reminded of several times: What would you say and how would you say it to a good friend who finds themselves in your position right now. Say that, just that way - be the friend you need. Share that same love and compassion with those around you and watch it multiply. 

[Stillirise]

I can see now how I bought into toxic positivity and an unhealthy dose of growth mindset, to basically cover my shame of what was happening to me.  Being surrounded with messages about how staying positive, persevering under stress, etc, are admirable goals, it was easier for me to adopt that, than to face the cognitive dissonance of the shame and distress I was experiencing.

I suppose I'll always be a glass half-full kind of person, and try to find the good in most things.  I still find myself glossing over things from the past, both from shame, and not wanting to be seen as a victim.  That's a big one to overcome, but we will get there when we get there, I guess!  Again, JKT, best wishes for a full and timely recovery!

Moglow, as per usual, your insight and advice is spot on. Thank you!

[square]

JKT, I hear you.

I've "tolerated" unacceptable behavior. If "tolerating" is really even the right word for it. It's society's word but it sure puts all the onus on me. And makes it sound so easy to simply not tolerate it!!

If it was so easy, nobody would be stuck, and abuse wiuldn't even exist since it would be useless.

[SonofThunder]

JKT,

It is SO very hard for me to see if suddenly driving in extremely dense fog.  I didnt/dont cause the fog, and now if I happen get into it, I must slow way down and simply hope that i am able to react well in the 5ft visible in front of my vehicle. 

Having now experienced the very intense fog and understanding my limitations in it, and how helplessly scary it can be, i now do my darn best to avoid it.  Any shame feelings I may experience in the future will be because I did not educate myself on what causes fog, and therefore i did not better equip myself with education to avoid the fog or practice my safe driving procedures while in it.  But i believe my prior uneducated time in that dense fog, was a harsh educational experience; that i survived!

Imo, our past life episode of dealing with the F.O.G. is exactly the same; a very difficult period that is now behind us, and in full understanding, we are proactively navigating to stay away from the F.O.G. permanently. 

Imo others who have not experienced that dense fog/F.O.G. are not equipped to pass any judgement on those that have.  I did not cause the F.O.G. and I did my best while navigating through it.  We made it!  Now we are also well educated!

SoT

[Hilltop]

Wow SonOfThunder, that is a beautiful way to describe it, very fitting.  Thank you, I am keeping this with me, it is such a great description. 

[JustKeepTrying]

I am grateful.

You all have given me a great deal to think about and meditate on.

Thank you friends.

[JustKeepTrying]

My insurance company is insisting that I complete a free eight-week course of therapy and coaching.  All to get me moving forward from the surgery.  I had my second session today and she has my other therapist's notes. 

I bring this up because this therapist got it.  She really got it.  She said "You were married to a man with PD and that is so intertwined and it isn't like a tumor you can cut out or chemical imbalance you medicate.  You just got to leave because so many individuals on the PD spectrum show signs of psychopathy.  From your records, I believe he does."

She gave me homework.  She encouraged me to see people and get out of the house.  I am just so totally stunned.  It was so encouraging.

She told me after reading my file that I was a real badass.  That after all the surgeries, abuse, cancer and the divorce - I should think of myself as a badass. 

I mentioned the shame.  She, like you moglow, said what would you say to a friend who brought this up and I replied that I did the best I could at the time.  I didn't even know that gaslighting was a thing then - and said see, you can't feel guilty for something you knew nothing about.

The session was a revelation.  I know others have said this me - you all have said it - perhaps today I was just open to receiving it. 

[losingmyself]

JKT, so happy to hear that you're healing.
Your post makes me think of the times that people here have advised me to talk to someone IRL. I think it's just different, having a face to face conversation with someone, you get and give immediate responses. And you've proven the importance of that here.
How wonderful that you found a T who 'gets it'
I still haven't worked up the courage to talk to someone, but this post makes me see more clearly that I should work toward that.
God bless you in your healing, both body and soul!
LM

[square]

You are a badass.

[Stillirise]

 
That's what I also came here to say.

[SonofThunder]

You are a badass.

+1

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

awe, thank you guys.  you're the best

said in a shy voice with a slight blush

then hands to hips with hip cocked, "Yes, I am a badass." with a strong confident voice. 

[Boat Babe]

 

[1footouttadefog]

 

[JustKeepTrying]

I came here tonight to reread these comments.  Give myself a boost.

The surgeon told me that even though it's been two months since surgery - it will be another four before we know if it worked.  Like watching corn were his words.

I so wanted better news.  I knew in my head that he is right but my heart wants all of this over.

These past few years since coming Out of the FOG I keep taking two steps forward and the universe sends me three back.  Here is a divorce but in a few months your leg is broken and there is a pandemic.  Here you are vaxed go camp but nooo, your leg is still broken and you have to wait to have surgery because you know pandemic and it is going to take forever to heal.  So basically all of this that you want to do - just wait.  Again.  and again.

Every night I lay here trying to sleep and the anxiety is crushing.  Except for tonight.  I thought of those little joys from another post.  I thought of all the brave men and women and their battles and everything we do for each other here in this community.  I think of you all posting and supporting me.

I think that I am lying in the center of my bed.  No mess in my apartment.  Fresh food in my fridge.  I have plenty of money to live on and PT sometime this week.  No ex ranting or worries about what he will do next.  And my anxiety dissipates.  I smile and feel free and finally can picture myself camping in a year - hiking a trail and visiting my kids.  Chase my granddaughter.  And live. 

[notrightinthehead]

It took me the better part of three years to really, really, really grasp that I have finally escaped the torture chamber that was my marriage. Since then there have been more happy moments than fearful or sad - of which there are still many. So many regrets. So much damage to body, mind, soul.  We are warriors, we have many scars, but we still stand.  Cheers to you!

[Hilltop]

Despite the setbacks, you are rockin it. 

The home you have built for yourself sounds lovely.  It sounds safe and somewhere you can unwind and rest in peace.  To be able to look around you and feel good in your home is so important.  The future you are thinking of sounds great and inspiring.

Honestly the best part of your post is that you can rest and heal with no one ranting at you or yelling at you.  You are safe and that's a good thing. 

[SonofThunder]

Despite the setbacks, you are rockin it. 

The home you have built for yourself sounds lovely.  It sounds safe and somewhere you can unwind and rest in peace.  To be able to look around you and feel good in your home is so important.  The future you are thinking of sounds great and inspiring.

Honestly the best part of your post is that you can rest and heal with no one ranting at you or yelling at you.  You are safe and that's a good thing. 

+1

SoT