Difficult sister-in-law

[gettingstronger1]

About two years ago I had a falling out with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I had set a healthy boundary with my mother-in-law about how she had been treating me and my family. My mother-in-law then went around telling the family that I had "attacked" her which was not true. My sister-in-law became enraged at me and she called me two days after I had had a major surgery and yelled at me. Since she was yelling at me, I realized I was going to need to set a boundary with her also. I calmly explained that I was going to get off the phone if she continued to yell at me. She then hung up the phone on me. My sister-in-law then texted my husband and lied to him and told him I had mistreated her during that phone call. Luckily my husband was close by and heard the conversation and he knew she was lying. He also realizes that his sister is toxic. We later found out that she called their other siblings to complain about me. My husband tried to talk to his sister about her mistreatment of me but she refused to apologize. Since I know that people with personality disorders don't change, I did not try to call her back and work things out. I haven't heard from her in two years. My husband's PDmother reluctantly apologized so we have a strained relationship with her.

The problem now is that my sister-in-laws son is getting married this summer. It will be a big family event with lots of people in attendance. I really have no desire to be around her and pretend like every thing is okay when its not. I hate to miss out on seeing other family members, but I feel like I would be disrespecting myself by subjecting myself to more of her toxic behavior when I know she will never change. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? 

[SweetTea]

Is your spouse planning on going whether you attend or not?

I'd go with my gut and skip the wedding. The costs/risks would outweigh the benefits for me. You can anyways send a gift to the bride and groom.

[Hilltop]

If you want to go to see other family then I would go.  If you don't want to go then I wouldn't.  It also depends on how your DH feels and how you would feel about him going without you.

If you do go you don't have to spend much or any time around SIL.  You could do initial greetings and be cordial, pleasant, keep the conversation on the event etc and then move on and spend the rest of the evening enjoying yourself with other family that you do want to see.  Enjoy the meal, enjoy the drinks, enjoy a dance.  If SIL comes up to join a group you are in you could wait a moment and then go grab a drink, go to the restroom, excuse yourself quietly.  You can go and not get drawn into any conversation with her, have many excuses on hand if you get caught by her.  If you see her coming just change course, move away.

Important thing is, if you go, enjoy yourself.  Enjoy seeing the family you want to see.  You say you would hate not seeing the other family, don't give SIL that much power.  You can easily keep a distance whilst enjoying catching up with the people you want to see.  You don't need to pretend that you are close with SIL, you don't need to act fake, you only need to be polite, cordial and pleasant as you would a co-worker.  Initial small talk and then move on quickly.  Have confidence in yourself.  Really your SIL is nobody in your life.

[gettingstronger1]

Hilltop and SweetTea,

Thank you for your replies.  You both have valid points.  I am thinking about going. My husband agreed to stick close to me. He is not happy about the way his sister treated me. HillTop, I like your idea of not letting me SIL have power over me.  I am not going to let her bullying behavior keep me from seeing other people I care about. Thanks for your help!

[bloomie]

Hey there. A little late to the thread, but I really like the idea of you going because you want to... to see others, to celebrate a nephew on his special day, to be part of the larger family dynamic.

Going to the wedding is not the same as pretending everything is alright between you and your sil I don't think. It is a conscious choice to not miss a sentinel event in a nephew's life and at the same time to take your rightful place at your DH's side because you want to go.

Taking a cocktail party persona along with you that is gracious and light, polite and cool when you encounter an in law family member that you are no longer close or want to chat with is, for me anyway, part of what we do all of the time in social settings.

A wedding is a great place to be able to move along, get lost in the crowd, and keep focused on the special couple and their day. Similar to you, I stick close to my DH at these kinds of events and don't allow myself to be cornered.

You have the skills to do this with strength and dignity if you want to. Let us know how it goes!