New Here and Oh So Tired

[buttercupsmith]

It's been almost 4 years that I've been in a relationship with a man with BPD. I have walked away several times but somehow I end up back into the chaos. I want this time to be the final time. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I no longer trust my own judgment. I can't make decisions. The manipulation and gas lighting has me wondering if what I've been seeing, what I've been experiencing has really happened the way I think it has. I've been told saying how I feel is just starting problems. I've been told that we should only talk about certain topics of his choosing. Honestly though, the worst thing has been how I've become just as toxic as he is. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just want my life back.

[blunk]

Welcome buttercupsmith.

You have come to a great place. If you haven't already, I would suggest checking out the tabs at the top of the page. The ones I found most helpful in the beginning were what to do/not to do, the top 100 traits, and medium chill.

There is also a wealth of information and experience in the various boards. Feel free to share more of your story when you are ready.

[buttercupsmith]

We met almost 4 years ago. We had this intense physical attraction and at first things were fun and exciting. But as time wore on, things started to change. He would make rude comments and when I would respond, I was just being too sensitive or trying to start arguments. Nothing was off limits, it didn't matter how much something meant to me, he would tear it down. If I try to leave, he threatens to hurt himself. He relapsed several months ago and that is my fault because I had left. He has stalked my location but it was only one time! he says and I should be glad he loves me that much. If I block him on my phone, he will text me from strange numbers, he uses some kind of app.
I'm not blameless here, my behavior has been horrible too. I have been reactive, mean, sometimes heartless.
He accused me of not wanting to put the work in, that I'm just not trying hard enough and he's right, I don't want to do this anymore.
It's been two days and so far there's been no contact. I know he will find a way to get in touch with me. I just want to be strong enough to not give in like I always have. I feel like such a mess. I'm strong in so many areas of my life and I can't believe I have been in this situation for so long. 

[moglow]

What if you told him, "you're right. I don't want to put the work in, as you put it. Nothing should be this much work and leave me this exhausted with it all, still feeling like nothing will ever be enough. Please just go and leave me be. Really. Go." then end the conversation. Feel free to block his number and keep on blocking them - you don't need his or anyone else's permission. Do what's best for YOU!

[buttercupsmith]

I was always being accused of saying things I did not say. His favorite thing to say was that I always lived in the past and would never let things go, it could be something that happened within the past 24 hours and he would say that. He wanted me to just forget.
I told him that I cannot and will not live this way anymore. That if this is love, I don't want it. I've blocked him but I won't be surprised to hear from him in a few days when he thinks I've "calmed down". I will take your advice and just block every number he contacts me by.

[buttercupsmith]

But the hardest thing for me is how I've acted. In the end, I was just as horrible as he is. Is this normal?

[Boat Babe]

Dear Buttercup Smith, you are not, repeat not,  the toxic person in this relationship. A few things to consider:

people with PDs project all of their unwanted/unresolved feelings and behaviours on to others. All the things he's called you? They are his.

Living with someone with a PD is really hard and, for various reasons (their coercion, our codependency) we end up doing things we wouldn't normally. Don't beat yourself up too much. Later, when you are free, and strong, you can examine your behaviour in order to understand it, make amends where appropriate and ensure you are never in a similar situation again so that the behaviour doesn't happen again.

Leaving someone with a PD is unbelievably hard. We are in absolute be turmoil. This is in great in part due to something called Trauma Bonding. Please read about this.

Also, and related to trauma bonding, please read about the brain chemical addiction model of traumatic relationships. 

When I left my most recent PDbf (Ive had the joy of two of them in my adult in life) I was in absolute agony. Only the crystal clear knowledge that he was disordered kept me from going back, while every fibre of my being was screaming to see him and for him to make it alright.  I am so, so glad I stayed away. I gave myself the time to work through lots of painful stuff and I rebuilt myself (again!). I remember at the start of the Pandemic thinking how relieved I was to not be stuck with him 24/7.  Sure, it was lonely at times but was so, so, so much better than being with him.

The information on the Out of the FOG website is invaluable. The Forum is amazing (Mods, we thank you!).  There are many good resources put there to help you through this difficult time. Practice Mindful Self Compassion (Neff and Germer), eat healthy, lay off the booze and recreationals, go for a long walk everyday and spend time with healthy people.

You're going to be fine. One step at a time. Hugs.

[buttercupsmith]

Thank you so much for this.

[Boat Babe]

Hot tip. Make a list of all the horrible things he has done. And all the vile things he has said. And anything else about him that is truly dreadful.  Put the list where you can see it and anytime you are tempted to pick up the phone read the list out loud to yourself. Works a treat!

You'll be adding to the list as you go btw. Look up Abuse Amnesia.

[moglow]

Hot tip. Make a list of all the horrible things he has done. And all the vile things he has said. And anything else about him that is truly dreadful.  Put the list where you can see it and anytime you are tempted to pick up the phone read the list out loud to yourself. Works a treat!

You'll be adding to the list as you go btw. Look up Abuse Amnesia.

YES. Because you know he can and will say all that again.

   

[buttercupsmith]

So far things are still quiet. I'm praying it will stay that way but I can't imagine it will. I've made my list like you both suggested so if he does contact me, I have it ready because he WILL absolutely do the same stuff again. I want to be free.

[Boat Babe]

You can do this. You are going to be just fine. Probably sooner than you think.