Working through SIL issues with my husband

[WinterStar]

My husband and I have been in couple's therapy for two years. We've worked through some things, but our Mt. Everest is clearly my husband's older sister, his defense of her and the way he put responsibility for the poor relationship on me.

My SIL was majorly abusive on two occasions. The first was the first Christmas after my wedding, so my first Christmas as a member of the family. She gave me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I told my husband about it. He didn't believe me, said she would never do something like that and got angry with me. Then, SIL gave me a really crappy Christmas present, which led my husband to see that something was up. My husband talked to her, there was an argument, and then we all apologized, including myself, though I didn't do anything. My SIL was mad that my husband had asked her husband to stop filming our wedding reception because she blamed me for that.

The second was at my husband's younger sister's wedding. Older SIL yelled at me in front of everyone at the reception. My husband had done something she didn't like. I calmly said he was trying to help. She unleashed on me. My SIL has yelled at both my husband and myself another time and other family members while we were present.

Beyond the above, SIL is disrespectful to me. Conversations are peppered with slights and "questions" like whether or not what I'm eating is appropriate given that I'm pregnant. She does these things when no witnesses are present, and she's subtle about it. My husband has a laundry list of excuses for her and doesn't believe me. SIL has always made it clear that she views me as an outsider rather than a member of the family. She gets birthday gifts for my husband and children but doesn't even acknowledge that I have a birthday. My husband doesn't see a problem with that.

I've adapted by mostly avoiding her, especially being around her without witnesses and by not telling my husband when she does things I know he won't believe. In his eyes this means things have gotten better. If I try to have any kind of discussion about his family, he gets angry, sometimes rageful. Even the conversations that start out okay end up with him dismissing my feelings, my experience and making excuses for his family. In general, he is often dismissive of my feelings and experience, telling me that something didn't happen the way I said if I have a different perspective from him. And if I say it's dismissive, he often says, "I'm allowed to disagree." And then I say that it's not the disagreeing that's the problem but the dismissiveness. And he just says I have a problem with him disagreeing with me.

Husband's statements about his family include:
"They're not that bad."
"She didn't mean it that way."
"She was stressed."
"That's just how she is."
"You're overreacting. You always overreact to things."
"That was 15 years ago!"
"It only happened one time."
"It didn't happen that way."

He's gone as far as to say that the real problem is that SIL and I are both "particular".

Husband has dramatically decreased the amount of dismissive statements he makes about my feelings and experience unless we get to one of our core issues, like his family. Today in therapy we talked about how controlling he is when it comes to his family. I have to participate in things I don't want to because it's "fun" when everybody does things together. I am not allowed to react to the abusive things his family members do, and he tells me to do nothing and that he will "handle it" and then talks to the person without me present. He was telling the therapist that he has to handle it because he's concerned that 1. I will yell or behave inappropriately if I'm involved. and 2. That the whole family system will be messed up if I am involved. He's always said #2, but #1 is completely new to me. 17 years, and he hasn't mentioned it once. My husband and I have yelled at each other, and I've yelled at my children (always apologizing afterward and continuing to make improvements in that), but I have never once yelled at another human in my entire life. Like, seriously, no one else. So I can't understand how he could possibly imagine that I would go off on his family members. And I'm incredibly insulted that he hid that concern from me for 17 years, instead always blaming SIL and saying that I shouldn't be at these talks because of how she may react. It's another way that he controlled me.

I'm at a loss right now. I know that I'm not overreacting to the poor treatment of SIL. I know almost any woman would have a really hard time with being ostracized at the first visit after becoming a member of a new family. It was traumatic, and the way my husband treated me at the time and since is even more traumatic. Every time we talk about it, he adds on to the pile by making a dismissive statement. I was searching for an article online that could explain this to him but couldn't find anything applicable. And I'm just so upset that he still won't believe me and listen to my experience and trust me.

[Lilyloo]

No, you are not overreacting at all!  The list you gave of your husbands statements are ones I've heard often.  Mine says "she cant help it"  LOL.  The excuses, the excuses!!  Same here, any talk of his family ends in a argument. They do no wrong. I know its very hard for you, and I'm sorry you go thru it. I have not found an answer. I make myself be quiet.  It is a struggle. It seems to be such an enmeshed family system, and I cannot understand in any way   I hope it gets better for you.