GC Sister invited, then un-invited me to daughter's wedding, now triangulating

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think I can file this under a good reason to just be No Contact with the entire family. Siblings still do their nasty deeds using any contact you allow with others. 
     
I have been NC with my GC sister for three years. During that time, I have been VVVLC with our elderly parents. My sister sent me an invitation a few weeks ago to my niece's wedding. It is next weekend. I decided to accept thinking I would attend the reception only, sit in the back, and leave early. I knew however, my sister would not let this go quietly and would instead use this occasion to stir drama to meet her own agenda which she now has.   

After I sent my rsvp accepting, I got a text from my niece's phone (I have blocked my sister's phone so she had no way to text me herself.) The language was not the way a 20-year old speaks and the tone was just too grim. I believe my sister wrote it. In summary it said she "wanted to heal the fracture in the family... would I participate in this effort ... this must happen before the wedding and is the only gift I need to give".  I did not respond. To me, the triangulation, manipulation and demand that I accept the dysfunction without any ownership of wrong-doing was crystal clear. The demand that 3 years of NC be resolved in 10 days, on her timeline.

One additional factor is that my sister seems to have thought it acceptable to engage her daughter in these dynamics, and hijack her daughter's wedding for her own agenda. Is this how dysfunction gets passed down to the next generation?  Also, with her daughter's knowledge this is happening, it is clear my sister has been active in a smear campaign at least within her own family.     
   
I decided not to respond to any of this, and am just not attending any part of this wedding. I did tell my parents yesterday however that I was not attending this wedding, but it was my sister's decision not mine. They said they were sad it came to this, but at the time did not throw blame at me. I told them they would hear another angle from my sister, and asked them to remain neutral and not engage. They agreed. Of course, I knew that would not be possible either.  I just got a  voicemail from my dad saying he just spoke with my sister last night, and she is willing to talk things through in the next couple of days before the wedding if I am willing. He also said both parents can also be present.  I would usually feel nausea and slimed by this, but am just too done with it all.       
         
I am just going to inform my parents that I am not attending and will not be speaking about this again. I expect they will blame, shame, guilt, become hateful and do all the things that I went NC for. I am standing firm regardless of what they do.

Would you do anything differently? Is there a better way to handle this? I feel like this is all so dirty, but so predictable. 

Thanks. 

[moglow]

Holy. Shit. To place demands on you as conditions to attend a family wedding?? That's not how invitations work - you're an invited guest, there's no requirement for *any* gift, much less this emotional family confrontation they're now demanding. Rude. Unacceptable and flat out rude to do that, even more so by text through the bride's phone.

I just can't even with this. I would also not attend - but ya know what? I'd still send whatever wedding gift you'd intended for your niece, to HER, not as her mother or anyone else as some go between. She shouldn't be overlooked here, whatever battle lines your family is otherwise intent on drawing. Get HER address and ship direct to her asap.

And btw, you don't have to discuss your decision or explain anything about it to your parents. This isn't between you and them. The efforts at triangulation can stop right here, if you choose. You're all adults - dad had no business carrying messages from your sister. If she wants to talk it through, she can reach out.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Mglow. The validation of my interpretation that this is unacceptable behavior helps.  Using text message to convey what I think has such gravity is one more thing that misses the mark. I guess it was too much effort for her to have inserted a small note inside the wedding invitation that said something like "would love to see you - happy to meet for coffee and chat if it works for you." 
   
And the aspect of a family confrontation is served right up. Dad so quickly disregarded my request for him to stay out of it. Instead he willingly seems to have followed dear sister's effort to stage a scenario based on her narrative, and expect I just sit there while the three of them take shots at me. It feels like an "us against you" set up. It is appalling to me to see my parents facilitate such a thing, and to see it all play out in real time.   
   
I am just not sending any response on any of this. My silence will be the only thing they get.

[moglow]

There's a time and place, BP. A wedding invitation ain't it, not even for an enclosed note. And for them to center and mandate this sudden need to talk around that? No.

[blacksheep7]

Sorry BP. 

I would have probably accepted my niece's wedding.  But the way your sis went about it was all wrong, a trap, making sure you would go back in line. 

The triangulation with your dad not respecting your wishes.

Better after all that you didn't meet.  That shows you why you went nc in the first place.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Blacksheep. It helps to hear how others handle invitations to family events. I sat with the decision for a while before sending back an acceptance. Mostly I felt like declining seemed sort of angry and dismissive which is not the way I feel at all, and my niece has nothing to do with the reasons of my No Contact with her mother.   

Unfortunately, my sister used the situation to spin a familiar pattern in my FOO. All elements I read about are right here - the drama triangle, creating a problem out of nowhere, blaming me, the family engaged in demanding I apologize for an issue they created. It has been a great case study, and yes, it reinforces all the reasons I went No Contact.  I have not and am not responding to them any further, and I know I will be better off for it. Thank you. 

[blacksheep7]

Unfortunately, my sister used the situation to spin a familiar pattern in my FOO. All elements I read about are right here - the drama triangle, creating a problem out of nowhere, blaming me, the family engaged in demanding I apologize for an issue they created.

Blaming us, because we do not participate in their enmeshed world.  Throwing shots at you is lame. I'm sorry.  Mine would not in front of me, my sibs that is.  Covert M loved to.

Let's just hope that your niece can see through this and have some kind of contact with you.

I am nc with my NM widowed and three sibs. Out of three nieces of my own, only one can not have a relationship with me (my sis dd) she told me flat out, politely.  I said «if that is the way you want it, fine, let it be» The others are pleasant but they do not share this with their parents. My take is that my sibs would be slightly angry mixed with jealousy.

[treesgrowslowly]

I am also sorry you are going through this. I have done the same thing. NC.

I would do the same thing in that situation with the wedding.

Isn't it sad how often the PD family uses a wedding to cause more damage and traumas?

I saw a quote the other day about how we cannot heal our family members. We cannot rescue them from their dysfunctional approach to relationships.

If anyone in my FOO ever showed actual evidence that they have done the work I've been over here doing, with the healing and the recovery work that entails so much work, over so many years, I might let them in... but so far it isn't a reality.

The reality is that, like you,  I left my FOO because I had to heal.

The reality is that they are  behaving very much the way you describe in this post. There is nothing you are obligated to do as an adult survivor of narcissistic dysfunction. Your only job as an adult is to create the space for you to keep healing.

Most people will not come out of the denial and fog. They will cling to their denial like a life raft and they will shame anyone who tries to learn how to swim.

I am glad you are here and healing yourself from this.

I am deeply sorry that you are seeing amd feeling, the cost of their ongoing denial. It is possible to recover.

Trees

[Blueberry Pancakes]

There is nothing you are obligated to do as an adult survivor of narcissistic dysfunction. Your only job as an adult is to create the space for you to keep healing.

Most people will not come out of the denial and fog. They will cling to their denial like a life raft and they will shame anyone who tries to learn how to swim.

I am glad you are here and healing yourself from this.

Thank you, Trees. I am sorry for what anyone else has experienced that is similar, but grateful for forums like this. "Your only job as an adult is to create the space for you to keep healing." Yes, thank you. This is my focus. 

[bee well]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

I see this as emotional blackmail with this thrown in:
"Unfortunately, my sister used the situation to spin a familiar pattern in my FOO. All elements I read about are right here - the drama triangle, creating a problem out of nowhere, blaming me, the family engaged in demanding I apologize for an issue they created"

You tried to engage with then with good intentions and had this reminder of why you distanced in the first place,

What i sense is that you have a conscience, which might not  be the case for all of them.

One option is to send your gift off in kindheartedness as Moglow has suggested. No strings attached, Do what is right for you. Protect your heart and head as you deserve, Give yourself some space, and then do what you feel is right for you. And if they come back at you in a less than kind way, that is not your doing.  You do not deserve to suffer ruminations because of their mental stinginess.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Beewell. I think of it as emotional blackmail also. I do think they use such events to bring others in line. I would not even say "hoover" because there was no hoover, it was just straight up manipulation. I like your comment about not suffering ruminations because of other's mental stinginess. 

To me, so much of what I read about dysfunctional families, those with NPD, etc. was evident here. At least I do not have any questions about what it was. I am even more firm in my NC. Thanks.   

[bee well]

Good day Blueberry pancakes,

You are welcome.

Glad to see you decisive and clear about your choices. It's not always easy, with all that gets in the mix.

It is helpful when we  can be  present about  what's going on , and remind ourselves of the totallity of it when needed.(For me that means de minimization.  Whenever I am in doubt I go back and read the "ick" list, of what happened to lead me into NC. (It's a long list, darn it.)

I also do a lot of reading back to  my favorite books, to keep things in perspective and maybe gain new ones the second third or whatever time around.  Some times I'd rather be reading a fluffy fiction novel. Now that I think of it I need to put one of those on the queue. It could be a fun distraction. You know what they say about all work and no play... Anyhoo, I just wanted to say hi to you and have a good day. Cheers.

[treesgrowslowly]

What i sense is that you have a conscience, which might not  be the case for all of them.

Good point bee well! I agree, something valuable to keep in our mind.

[sandpiper]

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I went through a similar breakdown of relationships with my sisters' children when I tried to set some boundaries with my sisters & of course it blew up around uBPDsis's drama with the result that I wound up NC with them all.
I did a lot of work in T around this and one thing I got out of it which was very hard to accept was my T (who had a narcissist sister & plenty of life experience of her own with the PD dysfunction) is that it is very hard for young people to separate themselves out from their parents' ways of thinking. My T said that it would be highly unusual for my nephews & niece to be strong enough to step out of that in their teens & early 20s and that level of enmeshment was rarely questioned until the adult children of the PD are older and they have some reference points that make the dysfunction obvious and uncomfortable.
the other thing that this particular T taught me was, never try to resolve a problem via text or email. It is always best to do that face to face in a safe situation (meet in a cafe or the park for a walk) as you can pick up on non-verbal cues and when you are face to face, people are generally more willing to try to reach a resolution. Conversations on the phone allow a PD to escalate because they usually don't have any witnesses to their behaviour and little motivation to dial it down.  So the one thing I would have done differently after the message from your niece is to phone her and say what was needed.
That short-circuits the triangulation immediately.
One thing I have learned, now that the children in our lives are aged 25-40, is that what my T said is true. Adult children rarely step out of the shadow of the dysfunction they've learned from PD parents and they will often find partners who have also grown up in situations where that kind of dysfunction is normalised.
All you can really do is work on your own healing and personal development so that you don't stay trapped inside those destructive patterns.  I feel like that will be a lifetime journey. What I have found is that the more I learn about healthy relationships and good communication/conflict resolution, the harder it is to relate to my own family.

I like the advice about doing something kind for your niece.  Maybe a note with the gift saying that you wish them well but you've decided not to attend because you don't want the conflict between you & your sister to create any stress on her wedding day and that perhaps you can take her & her husband out to lunch (or similar) to congratulate them later on down the track. Don't pin your hopes on that eventuating, but just do what feels right for you and do your best to try to defuse the conflict by  dealing with her directly. If the wedding is very soon then she'll probably just be cranky with anything that is making her life more difficult & it's unlikely she'll be in a frame of mind for deep thought about the politics of family dysfunction.
I hope that helps. It really hurts to have nephews and nieces expect that you will put up with the vile behaviour of their parents in order to make their lives easier. Unfortunately they've been sucking in that poison for so long that it's been normalised for them so unless something big happens in their lives to make them question it, they're going to live like that, thinking those sorts of interactions are how life is lived and they'll gather other people around them who will behave like that, too.  Cautious distance & VLC until they show signs of wanting to live another way was what worked for me.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Sandpiper. All you said makes sense to me. Adult children rarely stepping out of their parent's way of thinking is, I think, a good reality check. My niece dated her new husband through school so I have met him and always thought he was the ultimate "people pleaser". Sometimes I thought she did not even seem to show much interest in him. Now I see it perhaps as finding someone who fit the narrative she grew up with.     
           
I did mail a gift directly to my niece and included a small note extending my best wishes. It has been two months and I have not yet received a thank you note from her. I assume at this point she likely will not acknowledge it all. It felt right for me to send a gift, but my sincere effort just feels somewhat trampled upon. I also assume she likely took direction from her mother on that. Perhaps since I did not attend the wedding and did not just snap back in place, my unacknowledged gift gives them a feeling like they got the last word so to speak. It just feels like a deliberate dismissal and seems very vindictive to me. 
   
I also like what you say "all you can really do is work on your own healing and personal development so that you don't stay trapped inside those destructive patterns.  I feel like that will be a lifetime journey. What I have found is that the more I learn about healthy relationships and good communication/conflict resolution, the harder it is to relate to my own family".  Yes, well said.  I agree.  Thank you. 

[moglow]

Well that's just sad, Blueberry. Unfortunately the importance of thank yous and appreciation for others seems to be overlooked more and more these days. It may not be a deliberate slight on your niece's part but rather her not having been taught to simply do the right thing. Too many focus on their expectations and even entitlement, and not so much on their own obligations in return. That's all on her, and there it should stay. It's a choice on her part and a sad one at that.

[thduda]

I would have done the same Blueberry. Hate that she used your niece in this way.  She is teaching her daughter all the wrong things. Very sad that you got pulled into all of this drama simply by accepting an invitation - and your motive was pure - simply to be there for your niece.

So sorry this happened to you. Sounds painful, but that you are handling it firmly and appropriately.

[sunshine702]

Weddings should be about the BRIDE and GROOM. 

Absolutely not the place for Sis and You and the rift.  This is emotional blackmail.

The only way to deal with a Blackmailer is not to play.

Yes.  Correct move.  Politely wish the Bride family member well and go dark

[sandpiper]

I'm so sorry you didn't hear anything back from your niece. I know how hurtful it is to have things like that happen. I had a counsellor tell me 20 years ago that children no longer say thank you for gifts and that I might need to adapt to that.
I decided to adapt to that by not sending gifts to people who don't value me and to instead give the gifts to people who do, and who can form healthy, loving, reciprocal relationships.
I think this just comes down to one of those things where you just have to think, well, there's stuff that I do because of my own sense of ethics and because I don't want to end up behaving the way that the PD would. It's about going through life knowing that you've acted according to your values and you have tried to defuse the conflict rather than buy into their efforts to accelerate it.
In a way I think that the passive-aggression of 'Don't expect me to thank you for your gift' is simply the next stage of the 'Let's accelerate the conflict' game.
There is another possibility which is that even if your niece liked the present and wanted to thank you, there would very likely be hell to pay if she expressed any appreciation because that'd just set off her mother into another tirade.
You tried. As the others have said, wish them well & step out of the fray.
PDs usually like to create conflict and melodrama and the only way to win (in terms of keeping your own sanity) is to not provide them with that.
The best thing I ever heard from my uBPDsis was 'OMG you are the most boring person I know.'  Little did she know I'd been on these boards & seeing a therapist with that exact goal in mind & it was like looking at the scoreboard thinking 'wow. Game, set, match AND this statement is the trophy.'

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I just wanted to thank everyone for your insights. It helps so much to maintain a sense of balance on this.

I felt like I was in a "no win" situation as soon I got this invitation. I felt if I did not accept or acknowledge it, they would have all said how horrible I was. If I did accept, they would have been shocked I had the nerve to show up. Now I believe it never really was an invitation, but instead just a rather sloppy attempt to manipulate me into some role the family wanted. As soon as that drama started, I just stepped out and never communicated further.
 
I sometimes cannot believe I grew up with these dynamics and endured them for so many years, and I am saddened to think my sister is passing this onto the younger generation. Then I realize that is not my circus. For me it has just more evidence why NC was and still remains best for me.  Thank you so much everyone for your words and helping me process all this in a healthy and balanced manner.