Planning on staying but

[Cascade]

I'm planning on staying married to my PDh for several reasons, but most of the time I feel like I'm living in a loveless marriage. Just wondering, are there others here who are planning on staying together even if there is little love between the two of you? Sometimes I'm okay in this place I'm in, and other times I really yearn for a marriage where I could enjoy the company of my spouse.

[Gardengurl25]

 
You are not alone.  After a joint therapy session with my husband last week I finally came to accept that at this point he just won't be able to meet my needs emotionally etc.  I also realized he isn't going to be able to be a part of my support system on my journey healing from all of the abuse from my family of origin.  Unfortunately at this point my only support is my therapist,  I have no one else.
He isn't a narcissist but he is avoidant personality disorder or at least an avoidant personality.  Once I started reading about that it made sense why he seems to refuse to meet my needs no matter how many times I've asked.  He has been able to do better on things that are procedural or are easy to sort of check off an invisible list of that makes sense.  Like he's better at communicating where he's going and when he will be home (he genuinely just couldn't understand why me never knowing where he went when he 'ran to the store' and was gone for 3 hours would be upsetting for me).  He wasn't cheating or anything he would just go hang out at the fire department with his buddies there.  I didn't care if he did that but just wanted to know.
So now I'm going to be working in therapy to keep working on myself but with the knowledge it will be on my own. 
So no,  unfortunately you aren't alone,  but at least you have a place here where you can find others who hopefully are further than I down this craptastic road and can offer advice and ways to cope.

[Cascade]

Thanks Gardengurl. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to. My husband doesn't usually tell me where he's going or even that he's leaving the house. After many years I'm used to it but it would be nice to be told.

[notrightinthehead]

You will have good enough reasons why you are staying. Are there ways you can get your needs met? Hobbygroups? Supportgroups? Friends? I believe you can create zones of happiness for yourself and you can get emotional support and intimacy from friends. You might want to get yourself busy and explore anything that interests you.

[Mary]

Hi Cascade,
I'm so so sorry you are having to face this harsh reality. It is so, so not fun!

Here's a song that I have been leaning into lately to help me through a particularly loveless patch. It challenges me to do more than survive and reminds me that I will be fine. Jesus has my heart and my back.

Mary


http://barryshymns.blogspot.com/2014/12/how-can-i-be-lonely.html

HOW CAN I BE LONELY
Haldor Lillenas (1885-1959)

One is walking with me over life's uneven way,
Constantly supporting me each moment of the day;
How can I be lonely when such fellowship is mine,
With my blessed Lord divine!?
How can I be lonely when I've Jesus only
To be my companion and unfailing guide?
Why should I be weary, or my path seem dreary,
When He's walking by my side??

(2)     Days may bring their burdens and their trials as I go,
But my Lord is near and helps to make them lighter grow;
Life may have its crosses, or its losses, or increase,
Jesus meets them all with peace.
How can I be lonely when I've Jesus only
To be my companion and unfailing guide?
Why should I be weary, or my path seem dreary,
When He's walking by my side??

(3)     In the hour of sad bereavement or of bitter loss,
I can find support and consolation at the cross;
Want or woe or suffering all seem glorified when He
Daily walks along with me.?
How can I be lonely when I've Jesus only
To be my companion and unfailing guide?
Why should I be weary, or my path seem dreary,
When He's walking by my side??

(4)     In life's rosy morning when the skies above are clear,
In its noontide hours with many cares and problems near,
Or when evening shadows fall at closing of my day
Jesus will be there always.
How can I be lonely when I've Jesus only
To be my companion and unfailing guide?
Why should I be weary, or my path seem dreary,
When He's walking by my side?

[Wardog]

I am in the same boat.  Because of Family of Origin (FOO) issues, I blamed myself for 29 years for the failings of my relationship with my uNPD. wife. We've now been married 42 years, and we're in our 60s.  My situation is that if I left her, I would be exchanging a set of problems that I am familiar with, and have learned to minimize and mitigate, for a new set of problems that I am unfamiliar with, and will have to start back at the beginning of the learning curve.   I see my Counselor once a month, and with his advice I have built a fulfilling life for myself, "parallel " to hers.

We share no intimacy at all, emotional or physical. She has nothing for me at all. I've read through many lists of things that are reasonable to expect from a wife, and I receive none of them. My Counselor likens her to a Black Hole, absorbing everything I give her, with nothing coming back out. We live as roommates, even to the point of taking "shifts" in the bed.  I don't even feel like she's a roommate, as she contributes nothing in the way of money or helpfulness. I act and feel like a sort of full-time Psychological Attendant, only I PAY for it, rather than getting paid for it.

The key to staying sane is to develop your own life, and emotionally detaching from your PD spouse. I play my Guitar, and I spend a lot of time at the Gym. I go walking and hiking. I used to be in a Hiking "Meet-Up" group , but the pandemic did away with that, I've gone back to College full-time, working on a business degree.    I do wood working and carving, gardening, and home repair/improvement projects.  I also work on improving myself, in little ways and big, from improving my handwriting, to developing my relationship with Christ.

We are all here for you, and I wish you the Best,

Wardog

[Cascade]

Thanks for all your replies. I have hobbies and try to stay busy, which helps a lot.  It's easier during the week, when my husband is busier with work. It's the weekends that I find more challenging at times, with us spending more time together.  My husband's PD behavior is much worse when he has free time on his hands. He's in his late 50's and I am already dreading his retirement. 

[Mary]

It's easier during the week, when my husband is busier with work. It's the weekends that I find more challenging at times, with us spending more time together. 

Mondays are my weekend!
Mary

[SonofThunder]

It's easier during the week, when my husband is busier with work. It's the weekends that I find more challenging at times, with us spending more time together. 

Mondays are my weekend!
Mary

+1

[GentleSoul]

I also chose to stay with uPD husband.  Although my choice, I was surprised at the extent of the physical damage to my body and mind at being in that stressful situation. It took my mind and body quite some time to heal after he died.

I mention this as something for you to be aware of, that the stress can affect our bodies.   I used the Toolbox techniques which I am sure helped a lot.

All the best to you.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Cascade,

It's okay as long as you are comfortable and fine with that decision.  What is comfortable and acceptable for you? Keeping in mind that you still can keep boundaries if necessary, as long as you feel safe Maybe things can or will change on your part, it's life as we evolve.  If you decided to stay, surely their are advantages in that decision. I can understand.

I am done looking, searching for the perfect match.
I have also chosen to stay in my relationship because  my priorities and likes matches his. He does show responsiblity, trust and affection, vice versa.

We have commited to stay together.  We still have to work on emotional and physical intimacy, both kind of stuck but we are happy together, enjoy each other's company without being codependent and growing slowly.  This came with time, over ten years.



Best wishes

[Fae Greenwood]

Cascade, if you can do this and keep the disruption in your life to a minimum, then I hope you can do it. I've been married for 38 years now and chose to stay some years ago thinking I could do this until the end. I have come to realize that I cannot for as GentleSoul has pointed out, the damage to body and mind is extensive. I have found a few outlets that I've guarded from my husband but as he has nothing, literally nothing, that interests him outside of work, I have to limit my stuff to "lady" things. I've also realized that any groups that can become even remotely personal are also out so that's a big limitation on friendships. Farewell sweet Bible study. A few years ago my husband stated that our marriage was the best of anyone he knew while I was desperately lonely and angry angry angry. He genuinely does not care about my body or my heart. I don't think he is capable of understanding anything about me apart from how I might serve him. I've also discussed retirement with uNPDh and when I asked what he'd do then to fill his days, his exact reply was "That's your job." And so I have another reason to nope it right on out. I am scared to leave but dreading having to stay. I don't want to live this way.

[Cascade]

Gentle soul, I am aware of the effects on my health. I don't think it's any coincidence that I started experiencing headaches soon after I got married and rarely had them before. Thanks for your concern.     
                                     
Mary, I love Mondays too!

Black sheep, yes there are advantages to staying. In some ways my husband's pd behaviours have mellowed with age or maybe because our home is quieter now with most of our children grown.

Fae Greenwood, most of the time I think I can do this till the end but there are some days...My husband doesn't have any hobbies or interests either and no friends to spend time with. I hope you find the courage to leave.

[GentleSoul]

Gentle soul, I am aware of the effects on my health. I don't think it's any coincidence that I started experiencing headaches soon after I got married and rarely had them before. Thanks for your concern.     
                                     

Sorry to hear this.  Take care.

[Pepin]

It's easier during the week, when my husband is busier with work. It's the weekends that I find more challenging at times, with us spending more time together. 

Mondays are my weekend!
Mary

+1

Another +1 for me as well

I came here to start a similar post after a disappointing day yesterday.  And yes, I still hate weekends even though DPD CN MIL is gone because DH has been driving me crazy.  We were driving yesterday and chatting about the kids and there he goes having another mini tantrum/pity party about how they don't go to him or take his advice!   . FFS this is getting old.  I literally just want to explode and tell him exactly why our kids are cautious around him: BECAUSE THEY RESENT HIM FOR PUTTING HIS *MOTHER* AHEAD OF THEM.  Period.  His frustration at having to be at his mother's beck and call in order to garner the attention he needed as a rescuer was taken out on me and the kids.  If we disagree with him, get confused or make a mistake, he goes ape.  He expects the kids to be perfect at everything and have LIFE figured out.  Yeah, because back when he was a little boy, that was the only way to survive.  Being helpless was frowned upon in his family YET his mother WAS allowed to BE helpless.   

I'm staying in my marriage with hopes that DH will figure things out now that DPD CN MIL has passed.  But.  I'm watching him and taking notes.  I've got my list of deal breakers (including having picked out an attorney) and I'm not going to allow him to play the dumb games that DPD CN MIL used to play if he wants to remain married to me.  I expect better than that from a man that was able to show me that he was an honorable person when we first met and married.  And that I was his #1.  Life is short and I don't have the strength to continue with a toddler if this is how it is going to be with him.

[Cascade]

Pepin, I hope things work out for you and your husband as he learns to adjust to life without his mother. My husband has also complained about our kids coming to me instead of him, and didn't have much patience with them.

[Breakthrough]

I am still contemplating staying in my marriage. A lot of the replies here resonate with me. I don't get emotional support from my husband and he doesn't care about our marriage. I have 2 kids 7 and 9 and am 44.  I regret marrying my husband. He has never worked but also is very lax about any of the home duties. I feel i carry all the financial responsibility and have to manage the home and the kids. Husband physically is supervising the kids but that is all.  He is a good dad sort of but not emotionally available to my kids either.  His mom is NPD, I suspect he might be avoidant.  Contemplating divorce but I am not interested in getting remarried, and staying with my husband would be smarter financially.  I just can't help but feel I deserve to be happy with someone else.  I also feel like I can't even consider another relationship because this one was so painful and draining.  At my age what are the chances i would find someone I like spending time with enough to be in another relationship?  I don't see my chances as being high.  I do still look quite young, but i would focus on my kids first and only consider dating once they were grown.  So that being said, i feel like may be staying with my husband is easier, not necessarily better.  I need to work on building a better support network and i have lots of hobbies but they are solitary.  I know i would be happier that way.  I wish i had figured out that he just wasn't a good fit for me sooner.  I am happy to have my kids but worry they will pick someone like him. 

[GentleSoul]

I am happy to have my kids but worry they will pick someone like him.

I think this is a very valid point.  They are learning how relationships are "meant" to be.  I chose to marry a man that then recreated my childhood experience with parents with personality disorder issues and alcoholism.    I recreated the chaos and emotional abuse.

I thought that was how relationships were.

I am now with a calm, stable, consistent partner who adds value to my life instead of draining me, which was what I was used to. 

I had to unlearn and replace my childhood conditioning to be able to have a healthy relationship. 

[finally flourishing]

I'm staying until my kids are adults because I think they need protection from PPD husband and I don't trust him to have partial custody. I do worry about what they are learning about relationships by staying with husband.

But I'm trying to navigate it as openly and honestly as I can while being age appropriate. Husband and I don't sleep in the same bed/room anymore. I explained to kids that we needed to give each other more privacy and have our own space. As they get older I plan to tell them more age appropriate info but I don't honestly know what that means yet.

I hope they learn from our marriage that if they are in a difficult relationship in the future, they have choices about what that relationship can be and can look like. I hope they learn how to set boundaries and take responsibility for themselves no matter what anyone around them is doing. I'll never pretend that my marriage is one to aspire to or what I hope they have, but I'm also not being a martyr or pretending.

Either staying or leaving is hard and has consequences for my kids. I'm choosing the staying version of hard, at least for now.

[Cascade]

Finally flourishing, it sounds like you're handling it quite well. I wouldn't have liked to have shared custody either, especially knowing my husband would only want custody for the wrong reasons.