When to tell my son (35, parentally alienated) we are shifting?

[AlisonWonder]

Hi everyone, I don't post on here very often but this situation has me in knots.

My oldest son is in his mid-thirties and living with my brother in law about an hour's drive north of me.  He is a victim of parental alienation like my other 2  adult children who are overseas and don't communicate.  My oldest is usually not in contact but there will be episodes where he is.  I have done training to manage relating to an adult estranged child but its not designed for parental alienation and it ends badly and he does silent for months.  I don't know his street address, he doesn't want me to phone him or email him, but if he texts and I reply he misreads it.  I already know that texting is very bad in these situations so I want to move him "up" to a better form but he won't.

I'm not in touch with any of his, or my, relatives. 

I'm used to leaving him alone as required but now we have some compelling reasons to move away from here, namely my husband's growing family down south and our own ageing and lack of family here.  Instead of an hours drive it would take him half a day in airports etc.   I'm not phased by this because I've only seen him twice in 20 years, but he may see things differently once it is out of his control if you see what I mean.  It won't occur to him that he is not the only person to consider, here. 

I've learned not to approach my son,  always to wait until he is ready, but I feel wrong whether I tell him we are shifting, or whether I don't. 

I have a little space because we don't yet have anything in writing from dh's employer to confirm that we can pack up, but on the down side we have already told my husbands family we are trying to go (in case they had some relevant information, such as, they are all moving away too) and it could easily get back to my son, because my husband's youngest used to be fb friends with my youngest.  Although I don't know what I have to lose, I don't actually want to hurt his feelings.

I feel like every contact with him sets me back in my own recovery.  Hes my son, but he's also a grown man.   

I remember about Fear Obligation and Guilt.  That's excctly how it feels.  Does anyone have some useful questions or answers for me?  Thank you for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

My heart goes out to you - it must be so hard to be alienated from your children.  From what you describe, there is no way of knowing how he would react, he does not seem to be keen on any contact with you.  Therefore I would just inform him, once it is decided and definitely happening, I will be moving to X by (date)  and my contact details will be xyz if you wish to get in touch with me.  Brief, informative, friendly, firm.  You respect his wish for NC, you let him know how to get in touch with you.

[AlisonWonder]

Thank you Notrightinthehead, yes it is hard and that's all.  That was kind of you to say

In your reply,  the part I found most helpful is you saying "if you wish to get in touch with me".   My son is like a burn victim, everything hurts, but this last bit will make a difference if and when he goes back to read it a second time.  I could also add the words "respecting your space" .  I know that can be twisted around by him to "yes that suits you, doesn't it", but anything can be used that way. 

Thank you again.

My heart goes out to you - it must be so hard to be alienated from your children.  From what you describe, there is no way of knowing how he would react, he does not seem to be keen on any contact with you.  Therefore I would just inform him, once it is decided and definitely happening, I will be moving to X by (date)  and my contact details will be xyz if you wish to get in touch with me.  Brief, informative, friendly, firm.  You respect his wish for NC, you let him know how to get in touch with you.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I don't think you should add anything to what notrightinthehead suggests.
In my experience, the more you say, the more there is to find fault with.
Keeping your message to the BIFF guidelines respects his space. A declaration that you are doing so, does not.

[AlisonWonder]

BeautifulCrazy thank you for this,  now its pointed out to me I can see the truth of it.

Our plan to move south is progressing slowly, we may soon have the paperwork to begin looking for a new address there. 

There has been a bit of a change though.  Last year I had a very difficult and upsetting visit from a cousin who had been out of touch for about 10 years.  It was unexpected and she wouldn't leave.  I knew this cousin was in regular touch with my estranged sister, and even heard the very creative version of our contact that she relayed to my family, but it was only recently that I realised she could only have gotten my street address from my estranged family, or from my estranged son, not the phone book or an online search. 

Another change is that I have started making regular contact, or contact attempts, with my extended family (mostly cousins and nephews) and it's helping me see the patterns of alienation going on there, even though they aren't as hostile or difficult as my siblings.  I have not contacted the visiting cousin since about 2010 and that still holds.

Anyway I now have the opportunity, because of this shift, to keep our new street address confidential.   At the moment, even we don't know what it is, so I want to think it through well before anything can slip out from people who haven't been asked to keep it secret.

I plan to get a PO Box and ask my adult stepchildren to only give that out, not our street address.  My intention is to stop any more members of my family forming relationships with any more members of my husband's family,  or having enough information to create and pass on their usual distortions.  Since I would have 3 young step-grandchildren, and my siblings have none, there could be a real attraction to do that.  I am so tired of having no family, and I don't want my husband to lose his relationships because I am a scapegoat.

Does anyone have any ideas about this?  My adult children have never given me their addresses in the last 20 years, so they will have no cause for complaint, but it still keeps me awake at night.  My husband says not to even tell them we have moved, as it won't affect them.  The time delay could certainly give my stepchildren time to get used to not talking about our location, and give me time to build a better relationship with each of them.

Perhaps you will say that the answer notrightinthehead gave me needs no modification, that's great. I hope you will let me know either way.   

Thank you for reading.

[hhaw]

AW:

How is your move progressing?

Did you tell your children or son you're moving?

If you haven't, I'd consider what your husband said and not inform your kids of the move.  You've only just texted with your so in years and that informtion won't change.  Contact may continue uniterrupted. 

I agree with  your h to limit the chaos where you can, in ways you can.  Nothing would be gained by sharing the move, IMO.  Enjoy those step grandbabbies: )