Financial abuse-help!

[Mary]

I am being punished by my uNPDh for spending a bunch money on our roof that needed major repairs. He had wanted to do the work himself, but in reality, the months have continue to slide by with a mold-infested, leaking roof.

In retaliation for me moving forward, he decided that I should now start paying for half of our household bills and that none of "his" money can go to pay for the roof. When we got paid at the beginning of the month, he withdrew an enormous amount of cash, including any money for groceries, fuel for the cars, pet food, etc. I make considerably less than him as I homeschool the kids and work part time from home. Anything leftover after paying half of the bills from my income needs to go to the roof payment. He said he will not let me starve, and gave me a little cash for some necessities. But I hate to have to beg for more money.  He does not want to have a civil conversation about the basics of cash flow for the family, and freely chides me about the roof in front of the kids.

The weirdest thing is that now he is love-bombing me, saying how much he appreciates me and my hard work, etc. But this!

I know that half of everything we make is rightfully mine--heaven knows he spent money like a faucet when I was the breadwinner for 15 years. I am at a loss as to how to handle this upheaval. Suggestions?

Thanks,
Mary

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! That is so cruel! And to put insult to injury he love bombs you on top of abusing you financially.
In the long run, the only way out I can think of is to become financially independent- have your own bank account that he has absolutely no access to. Would you consider to only buy and prepare food for yourself and the kids? Which consequences are you willing to implement for his abuse? Are you willing to implement any consequences at all?  Can you make what he does known to his friends and family? Can you ask them for money for food and explain the whole situation? Let  people from the church know that you might need money for food because of your husbands actions?
I have found that narcissistic people like to have a good public image and will adjust their behaviour in order to retain it. Good luck to you! You deserve better.

[Mary]

Thanks for those suggestions. My church is absolutely standing by to help in any way they can. In fact, it is because some of them and my family saw the condition of the roof (when he had gone on a trip) that I went ahead and fixed the roof. They didn't just insist on it, they said the church would pay for it if I needed that. It was a huge, new type of boundary for me to set. The roof had to be fixed, period. But there is no reason for us not to pay for our own roof or groceries. We both make decent money.

Mary

[SonofThunder]

Hi Mary,

Im sorry your husband is treating you like an unpaid servant.  Since he's obviously forgotten how he survives in the home and has resorted to a state of mind of mine/yours punishment, heres what i would do to embrace and amplify that mindset fairly. 

I would make a list of daily marital-home related 'work' I do (chores, errands, shared outside financial income, sex etc) which my spouse also benefits, and put a self-employment monetary rate on each item per day/week/month.  I would tell her that I only choose to work in ideal work conditions, and so the prices for each item on my list increased for her, to cover the safe and protective roof at my current place of self-employment, since my current customer didnt provide those for me.

Then, upon presenting the long list, I will immediately stop doing those things for her; only doing them for myself.  If she wants to benefit from my continued work, she will have to pay me from HER money by the rate on the list, otherwise she can do the work herself and therefore my services aren't needed any longer.  If she refuses to pay me, I tell her that I dont work for free for ANYBODY and I also need a steady job to care for myself, so I will have to find another good paying job in good working conditions, which means that I will end the agreement between us and find another customer who appreciates my work.

Whats the worst that will happen to me??  She leaves me??  Well now, that was easy 😂

SoT

[square]

I like the idea of making this public, asking for help. Will your minister speak to your husband about being a Godly husband? Providing a LITERAL ROOF is part of that, of course - without punishment.

I am so sorry to hear about this, it's appalling.

One worry I have is that even if this blows over, you've been taught not to do things like this in the future. Even if your brain knows better, you will be afraid to arrange necessary services and other solutions when problems come up again. I'm speaking from experience. I don't have a solution except to encourage you to stay strong and be readyto make the choice again.

He has power but so do you. You not only have the power to publicly shame him. You have power just inside yourself, with no actions even necessary. The power to see how powerless he really is, how small he is, a man who would punish his family because he would not protect or provide. This knowledge could take away the fear. And if you have no fear, he no longer has power over you.

Wishing you peace and strength.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're being treated so badly by your husband, Mary. My ex doesn't like to spend money on things he thinks he should be able to do himself, and he also has difficulties with motivation, so much was not done in our family home. We got divorced 6 years ago, and I'm gradually chipping away at getting (costly) work done on the house, when I can afford it.

[Mary]

Thank you all for your concern and comments. It was a pretty difficult couple of months until he eased up on the finances. I ended up telling him that I would put half of my income in the shared account to pay the bills, and that he needed to cover the rest. Thankfully he agreed, and I've had enough to live on.

He has agreed to go to counseling to talk further, and I'm reserving my true arguments and feelings to share with him until there is a 3rd person in the room. I'm hopeful that in that process, we can establish a plan for future spending on the house, especially where my income is concerned. I know counseling is a crap shoot, but arguing my point with just me and him in the room is so far fruitless.  I'm super blessed to have family/friends/church that came along side me, and continue to be there as I need them.

DH is still mad about the roof, but I've given him more to be mad about. The floor. (Can you tell we bought a fixer-upper?) It needed complete gutting. My brother's family came to help me with the house and got nearly all of the subfloor laid. Again, DH is super unhappy with me moving forward without him. He wants the work to be a "family project". He doesn't want me to get outside help, but he will lift nary a finger on the project. He threatens to tear down what we've done.

The punishment for the floor? He's threatening to not go to our son's wedding if my family goes. Now, from my standpoint--fine. Don't go, I'll get to have fun at the wedding in peace. But he's tormenting the younger children about it, insisting that if Grandma and Grandpa will just not go, then he can go. And of course they look at me like, Why don't you just tell your family to stay home so Dad can go to the wedding? Golden Child (age 15) defends him to the point of ridiculous non-reasoning. The twelve-year-old keeps ruminating about it, and we pray together. The son who is getting married has told DH that he's not uninviting my large family.

I'm not sure if I should keep moving full steam ahead with finishing the house, or back off and let things cool down some. The house is finished to the point of having a cabin feel--minimally safe and livable, but still needing a whole lot of work. We are sleeping and eating in an RV on the property, but with each new thing done on the house, I spend more and more time in it during the day with the kids (Golden Child enjoying it too), and am doing most of my work from it as well. It's becoming a place of reprieve, and I'm glad he doesn't want to spend time in it.

Anyway, I suppose all of this sounds crazy. Lots of convoluted issues but I feel sustaining help from God along the way. I was able to take a couple of trips recently that gave me much-needed rest and encouragement. I find a lot of joy in my nonprofit work that has been growing in unexpected ways. I am resolved to stay, but need courage and wisdom to do it right for the health and well-being of the family.

Mary

[square]

Sure, it sounds crazy, but we know crazy around her

My instinct is for you to keep going, not back off. Why?

Well, aside from the honestly primary reason that it needs to be done... you have momentum on your side.

If he were a person living in logic and fairness, you might back off for a while and let him recover his equilibrium and then he would be more understanding of the next item.

You know that will not happen.

If anything, he will redouble his efforts to shut you down, knowing he got you to stand down for a while before.

Also, for me, I'm terrified to poke the bear when the bear has sat down for a bit. But if the bear is already poked, may as well poke here and poke there. I'd hate for you to become frozen in fear, because I have been there.

Good work on everything you've described, including the wedding.

[Free2Bme]

I can't help but see an analogy here. 

If H doesn't see his responsibility to "cover" his family with a physical roof, then I would think he is not motivated to cover/protect/provide for other needs ie., emotional, mental , spiritual, financial, etc. 

I went through similar in my marriage.  I believe this is a form of abandonment.

[Poison Ivy]

I felt abandoned by my spouse, financially, emotionally, and physically.

[Mary]

Sure, it sounds crazy, but we know crazy around her

My instinct is for you to keep going, not back off. Why?

Well, aside from the honestly primary reason that it needs to be done... you have momentum on your side.

If he were a person living in logic and fairness, you might back off for a while and let him recover his equilibrium and then he would be more understanding of the next item.

You know that will not happen.

If anything, he will redouble his efforts to shut you down, knowing he got you to stand down for a while before.

Also, for me, I'm terrified to poke the bear when the bear has sat down for a bit. But if the bear is already poked, may as well poke here and poke there. I'd hate for you to become frozen in fear, because I have been there.

Good work on everything you've described, including the wedding.

Thanks for the encouragement Square and others. It means alot! I got my kitchen table and chairs, piano, and bed moved in. And I'm using it daily for work. Praise God for a quiet place to "be"!

[Mary]

Quick update here--DH did not go to the wedding, and it was  awesome. The week away with the kids was so much fun. And my family was a huge help with putting on the rehearsal dinner. It would have been so stressful with DH there. Not that I wouldn't have made it work. Folks pretty much ignored the elephant in the room and did not question me about where he was. Some of his family attended, and they were nice to my face, thankfully.

When I got home DH was excited about his new project of collecting free materials to build a shed. Very little said about the wedding, like it's a non-issue. I'll take it.

[SonofThunder]

Mary,

Im so glad it all worked so well and you were able to enjoy the wedding in peace.  Plus the additional 'non-issue' peace upon your return.  A positive update!   Have a wonderful weekend.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

Find out what teachers make per hour in your area and charge him for half of the hours you spend homeschooling.  Give him an invoice.

If he thinks it's a bad idea to pay or credit you for 1/2 your homeschooling time,  make him a schedule of schooling tasks to do with the kids equivalent to half of the hours. 

If he does not agree with the idea ask him if he will pay half of private school so you can go to work to pay for the roof. 

That he responded to you spending money on the roof by taking a chunk of cash out of the bank is very suspicious to me.  If he does it t again I would wonder who he is spending it with.

[Mary]

Yes, I wonder that very much. He has done this now for about 8 months. He doesn't know it, but I can see his bank account balance daily. Usually, I can account for his spending. But this month $1000 disappeared immediately. At the same time, he is love-bombing me.

The good news is that I now have a separate account set up. He does not know that my income has increased quite a bit, and I am able to make payments on the roof again without his knowledge. Having power over my own earnings is a boundary that has been a long time in coming.

Moving forward is a challenge because I have several projects that will take more than a day to complete, and he will know once I do them (aka earth moving, installing a subfloor, jacking up a wall, etc.) He will wonder where the money is coming from and who is helping me. He may try to stop me. He already sent one worker packing. I have alot of fear about moving forward, but I know I need to do it. It's medically necessary. It's financially responsible. I expect him to flip out; I just don't know what he will do. People keep pushing me to leave, but I cannot do that knowing that he would likely get joint custody. He's a successful teacher. So, I'm soldiering on and learning lots of construction stuff. Trusting God to open a week when my husband is gone so I can get a floor and insulation before winter. Thanks again for your posts.

[notrightinthehead]

Good work you are doing Mary! Taking care of yourself and your kids.
Is there any way you can record observations like the 1000$ vanishing and such, without your husband knowing?  Just the facts. Dates and facts. You might never use them. And yet, you might.

[square]

Just sending you encouragement and my admiration for your progress.

[Poison Ivy]

I echo the suggestion to keep track of changes in financial account balances, both yours and your spouse's. It might be very helpful to show "I spent x amount on the house" and "Spouse withdrew x amount from an account but I don't know what the money was used for."

[Mary]

Yes,  I had daily account balances sent to my email before he set up his own account. Yet somehow, the settings on his new individual account were the same as our joint one. So praise God, I get a daily record of his account balance in my email.

I met with the builder today, so now I have that piece in place. Funding is in place. Just waiting on the timing when he will be away. I'm tempted to just start even if he knows, but that could backfire.

[Mary]

A quick update here--it has been a year since the drama of rebuilding the end of the house. It was nothing short of miraculous that DH did not notice the work until it was finished. I now have a roof, walls, insulation, an enclosed crawl space, gutters, kitchen cabinets & counters, and beds in all of the bedrooms. Once my bedroom was set up in the house, I began sleeping in it immediately. For nine months, he has resisted moving in. My son began sleeping in the house soon after I did even though he was made to feel guilty for doing so. Just in the last two weeks, DH, and thus my daughter as well has begun sleeping in the house. It's awesome to have everyone under the same roof again. I am so grateful for all of the friends/family/church that helped me and continues to help me with the building projects so that we could have a safe place to live together. And to God for bringing it all together finally in peace.