No Contact Request and Boundaries Violated Repeatedly

[StillGrowing]

First and foremost, I would like to share that I recognize that I am in a highly triggered state and very fearful of recent experiences I have had with a long term friend with BPD.  After trying to go no contact, this person reached out to my partner asking them to put us in touch and eventually showed up at my home confronting me for "abandoning" them, which seems bizarre.  I feel trapped and like my every move is being monitored. 

This friend has been around for 30+ years, and while the BPD diagnosis was confirmed 12 or so years ago, this person has seemingly chosen to not work with their BPD.  Early on, they relied on medication to do the work and their therapist had to terminate the relationship because this person was a no show to several scheduled visits.  Recently, this friend has re-engaged with a new therapist (10+ years later... finally) and psychiatrist, however, I am unsure that the BPD is being treated (or that this previous diagnosis was shared with their new healthcare provider(s); this friend shared that they are only working on their depression for the time being.

Last year, this person "split" on me.  First by slowly going no contact (a common occurrence as this person often deals with things by not going to work and sleeping) and then with intense emotional and verbal abuse after I had revealed that I needed their support (I was pregnant).  At some point, I stopped engaging, and they would come back and say more and more hateful things to me.  Then I received the apology a few days later and the cycle started again.  I was love bombed.  I forgave this person because their apology seemed genuine and historically speaking, I have always tolerated this behavior and excused it because I recognize that this is their mental illness acting out, not the loving person I have grown to love all these years.

Recently, I have been dealing with my own mental health issues.  This person lives 5 minutes away and any time something went "wrong" I was the person they called.  I found myself constantly on call.  I was involved in triangulation via worried family members asking me to walk by this friends house on my lunch break to check in or if I had heard from them during the day.  Zero engagement with this friend unless something drastic happened (ie: a breakup).  I would begin to have panic attacks when they asked to come over and I did not have the strength to say no and deal with the repercussions.  This friend began to engage in risky behavior by not going to work, spending the day sleeping, or drinking and smoking weed, having unprotected sex, re-engaging with an abuser (seeking "to make amends") who also threatened me and others in the past.  I found that when we were together, we wouldn't do anything except drink and chain smoke, which began to feel misaligned from what I wanted for myself. 

I began to set soft boundaries advising of my lack of availability to support her during a "crisis" as my own partner was experiencing their own series of catastrophic events (several deaths of loved ones) and I felt the need to prioritize being there for them.  By the end of the week, I got a text message saying, "No need to respond, just popping in to tell you I love you" followed by a barrage of texts, DMs and phone calls desperately trying to get in touch with me the very next day.  I had a panic attack and sent a message asking for space and requesting that this friend rely on the help of their family and therapist to help them navigate their own crisis.  My requests for space were not respected and after a period of time, what I privately did was monitored via social media and weaponized against me.  I was criticized for spending time with other people (seen via posts my friends had made on social media).  I received confusing emails along the lines of "can we talk, but if you don't want to, just say so or ignore me" which was followed up by attempts to call me or by texting my partner asking me to get in touch.  Then this person showed up to my home.  My therapist is extremely concerned, had initially recommended I try to file a RO or call the police if this happened, however, I was "hoovered" when they showed up clearly suffering from an injury.  In the moment, I had decided to follow my gut and diffuse the situation instead.  I confronted them about my boundaries being crossed and instead of apologizing, I received excuses or "well you did this" responses.

I am still very clear on what I want, which is to go no contact and to separate from this individual.  I do not feel safe, as I am aware that they have made attempts to assault other people.  At this point in time, it feels as though my only option is to make myself scarce and to slowly pull away, to force this person to "split" me once again and to use that future event as a way to point to why we must remain no contact.  My therapist is worried that even if this is done, it will not be successful, as this person will continue to try to get my attention.  I am hopeful that this "event" would be enough to provide me with leverage to file a RO or in the very least, give me the ability to point to why we can no longer remain friends.

What can I do to protect myself and my loved ones from this person?  They clearly do not see their wrongs and have poor boundaries and entitlement issues.  I am scared and feel very trapped.  Any advice on how to navigate this is greatly appreciated - thank you in advance.

[bloomie]

StillGrowing - hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really glad you have found us and have reached out for support.

Wow!! This is a lot to work through with a friend. I am so sorry things have turned so confusing and threatening in this relationship.

I want to point you to a resource that may help you assess just how at risk you may be along with you following the advice of your therapist and local law enforcement about the physically threatening nature of this relationship.

This assessment is a good place to think through the experiences you have had with this person and get some objective feedback: https://www.mosaicmethod.com

In terms of the emotional fall out to you from the chaos you have been subjected to I would say that the most powerful way I know of to set boundaries with someone who is not willing/able to listen and hear me is to live them out. You don't have to ask someone for space. You simply pull back and take what is yours already. However that looks for you.

A slow fade may work for you with this person, but another option would be quietly blocking all communication avenues and starving them for any information about you, your family, your activities if that is what keeps you safe. It may mean taking a break from social media and being very cautious in what you share with any mutual friends about your life and this relationship in specific.

If they come to your door you do not answer it and if they will not leave you call police services for help. Install a doorbell/camera if you do not have one already that will capture her behavior if she comes to your door again. Document everything. Every contact. Keep emails and texts that you have received that are threatening and take action sooner rather than later by contacting appropriate services for guidance where you live.

Sadly, you are not equipped to save this person, be their therapist, to rescue them. Their problems are beyond what you can deal with as you rightly know. There is nothing more compelling than a friend we love showing up on our doorstep hurt and in trouble. I soooo get it! But, we come here to learn how to keep a strong and steady head about us when these powerful manipulations come our way and keep our fences and boundaries strong and intact!

There are several amazing threads and articles about boundaries you will find by searching the site, or I can link to if you have trouble finding them. We are here to support you as you break free once and for all from these toxic interactions that are bringing you such pain and anxiety. Keep sharing and coming back. It helps to lighten a heavy heart!

[moglow]

That's really sad, that you've invested so many years into this friendship and it's just untenable. Very much as with a family member, and having experienced some of it that's my angle of answer here. Sometimes we all have to do what's best for US and let the other person do the same.

Given your fears of their instability and possibility of them taking it further [mention of RO, which unfortunately isn't typically granted without threats or an actual event], I'd be inclined to put it in writing. One time only - Spell it out that you're concerned about their behavior and treatment of you, the repeated demands and showing up unannounced with the expectation that you somehow fix thing, the barrage of messages after you've asked to be left alone. Make it clear that you don't want phone calls, visit, texts or messages of any kind, that you're concerned about their well being and your own safety given what you've seen in the past. Keep a copy, but don't respond if they come back with anything. File it away, then journal to get it out of your system so you can put it down again.

Quietly block them from everything, tell anyone who comes to you with messages or updates that you don't want to hear it, you just hope they get the help they clearly need. [Remember: What others choose to do or say is on them - you can't demand they cut that person off too. You're to limit your own exposure, just as others are for themselves.]

If there are ultimatums or threats, document them. Don't answer the door if they show up! Get that Ring/camera doorbell Bloomie mentioned so you can easily see and document any drop ins and anything they say or do while at your door. I'd get in the habit of locking the doors when you go home, lock any gates and limit access to your yard and back door as well. I know it sounds like a bit much, but when someone's unbalanced, you have to protect yourself and your loved ones first.

Thing is, you can't waver. One step back, allowing one phone call or answering one text and you've rejoined the chaos. You can't justify or get a restraining order and still willingly engage.

DO your boundaries, LIVE your boundaries, same as you do with anyone else! Expecting someone else -much less an unstable someone - to respect or listen to something that doesnt serve them is going to leave you disappointed and hurt. You don't want someone around you? Limit or totally remove their access. You've asked to be left alone and they ignore? Block them. Their anger or whatever reaction is all on them, not your stuff. I'm not saying tiptoe around in fear, not at all. But you can't live your life fearing setting someone off. Find your inner ignore button and activate it - I guarantee it's there, if a bit difficult to get in practice.