you're right, every sibling is affected by PD parent

[Jolie40]

always thought PD parent affected me (SG) mostly & other siblings were fine

now I believe  posters who say "everyone in family is affected by PD parent"

I went NC with everyone but recently phone connected with one sibling
just found out from her that two of my other siblings are in therapy

growing up in a dysfunctional family really does affect everyone whether favored or not

my mistake!

[moglow]

I always knew we weren't okay and struggled on various levels, but very much questioned my own memories after all md had said contradicting anything less than positive said to her. It's like she had some driving need to be "right" and me to somehow be wrong, and I thought she just did it to me. "You have a convenient memory" was a favorite phrase of hers, and it applied any time I dared mention anything less than grand. She was all about appearances, and cutting loose behind closed doors where there were no witnesses - that way no one saw or heard it. She'd ridicule and belittle us to others to make it seem we couldn't be trusted to tell the truth, that we were making things up. And she kept us isolated a good bit, so we didn't trust much of anyone after a while.

The golden child now lives closest to her and is the only one who's seen her at all the past few years - he tries to look after her property and be a fixer there, but he's found his limits. He'll flat out walk away or drive off when she starts raging. We made a point years ago to give each other a heads up when her broom was in motion. Once she got going, any target was fair game for her and having that warning made it easier to just find other things to do until she landed. It's only the past few years the oldest and I have discussed her at all, and like me he has no happy memories of her. It's easily 10-12 years since she saw him or our youngest brother and they have no plans to revisit that I know of. I think they kind of blew it off and the things she did/said to me as long as they could - when it came full circle and she turned on them, it was over.

I'd say all of us teeter on the ledge of antisocial/avoidant behavior, and I'm not altogether sure whether that's a good or bad thing.

[Hilltop]

Jollie40 this is one I struggled with as well.  I simply couldn't see it. I thought my sister was the GC and had it easy.  More recently I see that our mother has triangulated and done the divide and conquer. I now see that this is very common in PD families and common for it to lead to decades of estrangements between siblings.  I remember my sister in her teenage years going to our mother to mock me about something I had done or the way I looked.  I do think part of this was just kid behaviour tattling on each other, I probably did this as well. She didn't always do this but from time to time she did.  This sort of behaviour continued in adult life until my mother was successful with her divide and conquer and we no longer speak. I remember years ago telling my sister that my mother lied but my sister either didn't want to see it or couldn't see it. 

I can now see that my sister was also playing her role, gaining favour with our mother by doing what made mother happy.  I get that kids do some of this behaviour and I get that adult kids talk with their parents about their siblings however with PD families it's usually more than idle gossip or sharing news.  There is mostly unkindness and hurtful behaviour attached.  This younger behaviour in my sister grew up to be her snubbing me and excluding me within the family.  Really she was doing our mothers work for her.  As Moglow said to me in one of my recent posts, my sister was going along to get along. 

I could be wrong and I'm sure there are a ton of other things involved in my sister going NC however I don't think the GC role is easy any more.  I think even though my sister moved away I think she is or was still playing her role.  When she texted me outraged at something our mother had said, she was completely in on the triangulation, blindly following.  She still partakes in those conversations.  Whether she ever gains some understanding of our mother is unknown to me.  She blindly believes and follows everything our mother says about me.  If I find my relationship with my mother hard then I can only assume my sister also has her own difficulties as well.

I have come to some understanding that my sisters actions are not the actions of a self aware grounded adult.  She is still being played and pulled by our mother.  I recently did an intentional funeral, said some words, burnt a photo of her and I do feel I have let her go.  I still love and care for her as a sister and I want the best for her however as things stand I have to accept that whilst our mother is alive the chances of a relationship are slim, really none.  I also have accepted that she herself may also have PD tendencies and a relationship may never be possible. So I accept it as it is but I will not take it personally or to heart any more.  I do agree that everyone in the family is affected and it is really only through healing work that you free yourself from being entangled in it.

I'm glad you were able to get some clarity around your own family and hopefully if they are doing therapy there may be some hope for better relationships in the future.

[Liketheducks]

Former GC turned SG.....I think the GC get a bad rap.   GC's become GC's to make themselves feel safe in a world of chaos.   I'm so sorry you're going through this

[Leonor]

Former GC turned SG here, too! I'd say the GC doesn't even turn themselves into the GC. They're manipulated into that role by the PD parent.

There's also a lot of covert, weird, mind-games, boundary violations and self annihilation that is inflicted on the GC child, because they are parentified.

We're all responsible for our own healing. It's up to the GC adult to acknowledge his/her hurtful behaviors towards others. And to do so in full awareness that doing so will "dethrone" them as the GC - and cast them into the role of the SG.

But they are not the abusive parent. They were brainwashed as tiny little tender children who didn't know anything about the world beyond what the PD parent projected onto them.

It is possible, it is necessary, and it is kind to be able to hold that sibling in compassion and be aware that in their unhealed-ness, they can be hurtful.

[Jolie40]

thanks for replies everyone!

feel sorry for GC now
PD parent is in long term care & has nothing to do cause refuses participation

however, a phone is handy
PD parent calls GC daily & constantly
all the phone calls are now irritating GC

how many phone calls did I get from PD parent this past year?  one...on my b'day
in this case, it's better to be SG

[Jolie40]

I thought my sister was the GC and had it easy. 
I can now see that my sister was also playing her role, gaining favour with our mother by doing what made mother happy. 
She blindly believes and follows everything our mother says about me. 

yes, GC & spouse would bring flowers over to PD parent if they got upset for any reason
GC wished to stay on good side to get $, classes & private school tuition paid for kids
it all comes with a price, however which GC is paying now (previous post)

believing what PD parent says about me is true, also
once GC called me & said "what did u say to PD parent yesterday as she called me So upset!"

funny thing is husband & I left PD's house & both said "that was the best visit ever"
we could not think of one thing we said that could have been upsetting
only thing possible is we talked about us some instead of talking about PD parent only

[Jolie40]

They were brainwashed as tiny little tender children who didn't know anything about the world beyond what the PD parent projected onto them.

agree, GC was treated like a little doll
dressed in expensive, beautiful clothes
sent to a private college

she had & still has a beautiful face/hair so others treat GC as special, too

[Jolie40]

And she kept us isolated a good bit, so we didn't trust much of anyone after a while.

I'd say all of us teeter on the ledge of antisocial/avoidant behavior, and I'm not altogether sure whether that's a good or bad thing.

PD's saying was "you can't trust anyone"
to this day, I have little trust for people

I'm very introverted so jobs I took were usually working one-on-one with people or often by myself
this whole pandemic, I rarely go anywhere (sahm) & don't miss interaction with others

interaction with husband/kid enough for me

[Amadahy]

I have one sis, who was the GC until I left for college.  Then, when I dared to differentiate, to individuate, to try to live my own life, Nmom "disowned" me and went full throttle abuse on my sis (abuse I had taken my whole childhood, abuse that sis had not seen or acknowledged).  She didn't see it coming and it wrecked her.  I mean really, really wrecked her.  She had a nervous breakdown and one bad choice after another leading to prison and homelessness.  More stable, now, but I felt awful for her. 

Nmom is in long-term care now with, sort of, mid-level dementia. (Some days she knows me, some days not.) My sis is having a much harder time accepting mom's decline, whereas I think I grieved losses associated with her years ago and am somewhat more resigned to everything, as sad as it is. 

[sandpiper]

Decades ago I listened to a radio program with a counsellor talking to scapegoats who'd gone to therapy and had left their families to create new lives. There were some really interesting ideas thrown around in that program which have stayed with me.
That being that the scapegoat was often selected as a target because the abusive parent recognised their strength, their resilience and their capacity for leadership, which made them a threat to the system the abusive parent required to maintain order.
The T said that she focussed on this idea with her clients because by the time they came to her they were so beaten down by the abuse of the entire dysfunctional family system that they'd lost sight of all their natural strengths which they needed to heal.
The Hollaback team who drink the Kool-aid and who pass on their dysfunction to their children are the ones who really lose out because they never get the courage to face their demons and to heal.

The older I get and the more distance I have between me & my mother's FOO, the less I miss them & the more I'm grateful for what I have now to occupy space which was taken up by emotionally abusive and narcissistic family members.
Every family member is damaged.
The ones who are so damaged that they don't know they are damaged - and who perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction - are the ones who stay trapped in that web.

[Jolie40]

  More stable, now, but I felt awful for her. 

Amadahy

So sorry for what happened to your sister!

[Jolie40]

That being that the scapegoat was often selected as a target because the abusive parent recognised their strength, their resilience and their capacity for leadership, which made them a threat to the system the abusive parent required to maintain order.

Never heard that before but it makes perfect sense

thanks for sharing!

[sandpiper]

It was a really interesting program, and when I reflected on what I'd learned in T, it was an 'aha!' Moment.

[sunshine702]

Kids notice different treatments at a certain age.  And unless they are maladapted - they feel uncomfortable about it.   Although I think some of the grooming is the taking of the big gift.  My parents bought GC brother a used Range Rover (as his 18 year old car). I got a old Honda and my Brother got a very used Ford truck. (Normal)

This when only CA celebs had Range Rovers!!

But that was the pathos.  Special treatment. 

[NarcKiddo]

PD's saying was "you can't trust anyone"
to this day, I have little trust for people

I'm very introverted so jobs I took were usually working one-on-one with people or often by myself
this whole pandemic, I rarely go anywhere (sahm) & don't miss interaction with others

interaction with husband/kid enough for me

My uNPD mother drummed it into us from an early age that you cannot trust anyone "except family". By which she really meant her. If other close family members were to be trusted with something she would make sure we all knew that she was making sure they kept up their end. So I, too, have massive trust issues, since she was spectacularly untrustworthy. I guess I thought "if this is the best you get, what on earth must others be like?"

Since I realised my mother's condition I have been experimenting with trusting others more. Very carefully, but by and large it has all been completely fine.

And as far as the OP goes - yes, I totally agree every sibling is affected. My younger sister and I were shunted between roles as it suited my mother. Now we are both adults we seem to be in hybrid roles. She tells me how marvellous I am and how difficult my sister is, but ostentatiously gives money to my sister "because she needs it". I am pretty sure my sister is also uNPD and I think she is a Flying Monkey. She lived at home until her very late 20s (I escaped the minute I could, even though I did not know why) and is very damaged. So I do feel sorry for her but for my own protection I am very LC with her and I can't see our relationship ever improving. Once the parents are dead I may point out some things about them, but I suspect it will cause more distance between us rather than bringing us closer. If it gives her a chance to work things through for herself later in life then I guess that's a decent result.