Husband says "she can't help it"

Lilyloo · April 08, 2022, 05:40:23 AM

Totally frustrated with husband taking his sisters side. There's been many arguments with him over this. His latest comment was "she can't help it" I posted before about the things she's done. I deleted because I gave to much info. Let's just say she has no respect for others feelings, has to be loved by everyone, stays close to even those who hurt family, has to always be center of attention. She noses into everything acting like shes the head of family. It even involves my husband and what she thinks I don't do but should be doing.

Every single time I bring it up my husband gets furious. He knows her past. He knows what she does now. I will never ever understand this need to defend family who are in the wrong. I certainly don't do it with mine. I've talked about my mom, my alcoholic brother, not in a I hate them fashion, I just state facts. I hate nobody. I am however, real, and I do not appreciate fake people. .

It's why I love this forum. I can come here and not be judged. I know some will say tell her, speak up. I have tried. She totally ignores. I am not young and years of trying to be heard have only caused conflict. He would do this with anyone in his family . I dont get this dynamic.

I am going to Easter. My daughter is hosting, but I feel very stressed about being around this person. I did stay very busy at Christmas. I did not sit in the living room near her. I washed dishes. I cleaned up. I did everything I knew to do to avoid. Oh and by the way, she never lifts a finger to help. She brings unprepared food for us to cook

Sits on her throne

My point here is that I know husband is in total denial. This is wrong. If I did what shes been doing, I would be confronted. I know many of you deal with this. I'm just beyond frustrated. I had to vent. This is my only safe place. Thank you friends for listening

treesgrowslowly · April 08, 2022, 10:49:49 AM

You nailed it in your last part of your message there - if you did what she was doing, you'd be confronted.

These double standards are part of FOG family life. A few members are always allowed to 'get away' with behaviors no one else would be allowed to get away with. The family is organized around the dysfunction.

"They can't help it" is infuriating to hear, because if or when we put down our own boundaries, and then WE start to say "oh sorry, I can't help it, I just need to go home after 3 hours with you people", we don't get that same reply. Apparently we "CAN" help it, but they can't?

This is because people have a long history of enabling this person who "can't help it" and they don't want to confront their own enabling ways. They'd rather just push everyone else to enable this person too.

Of course you won't understand their need to defend or enable her- it is not healthy which is why it doesn't make any sense to you. They are doing it because that is easier for them. It doesn't make sense to you, because it is dysfunctional.

I don't know if you'll get through to him if you keep arguing your same points over and over. Her behavior is right there, for anyone to see, so if he doesn't see it the way you see it, then you might never get him to see things the way you see things. Soooo many people just do not want to rock the boat in their FOO. I am sorry you are dealing with that. Hopefully after the Easter visit you go back to having to see her less. I say this as someone who lived through years of Easter weekends that were ruined by PDs.

Trees

Lilyloo · April 08, 2022, 11:57:21 AM

treesgrowslowly, Thank you!! Your reply is so great and I needed the validation that if I were doing as she does, I would be confronted. You are so right, this is a dysfunctional FOG family!! Yes they do enable her. I always say she gets a free pass. This is a family who people seem to admire, and it goes way back. It's been years, but the moment I got married. I saw it, the catering to his sister. Theres no talking to my husband. He's part of the problem. He will never see it. Enablers they all are. Your reply has helped me so much. I am going to completely ignore her at Easter. The PDs surely do ruin holidays.

bloomie · April 10, 2022, 09:01:23 AM

Lilyloo - I am sorry you are so isolated in identifying just how troublesome and unsettling the dynamic around your sil's behaviors are.

Something I noticed along the way in my own very similar in law dynamic with an eerily similar sounding sil... her outrageous, slanderous, gossiping, controlling, intrusive behaviors 'serve' the rest of her family. She does the dirty work in so many circumstances and they look like normal, circumspect people while she digs for personal info in conversation with others, intrudes on events and activities gaining entry for the entire family or especially her mother (my mil), she slanders and smears others, brings drama upon drama, and all the while... sitting right beside her is her mother tacitly participating in it all. They seem to feed off her as much as she feeds off of them. As trees says: " The family is organized around the dysfunction."

In my case, on some level every single one of the family members that allow this like it and benefit from it in ways that are inexplicable to me! All of it! But, only from sil.

The stuff you and I attempt to avoid and that we try to get lost in the kitchen to avoid, the stuff we find appalling and upsetting when said and done by our sil's. They seem to thrive on it because in my own in law family - without it they have nothing to say to one another. Their family gatherings and interactions are structured around one very powerful, possibly uHPD/NPD lady and that has been inconveniently convenient for them, if that makes sense at all.

One of the best phrases I have learned to use in addressing those statements: "she just can't help it...sometimes she just goes too far...she doesn't mean, intend, to hurt others...she is going through a really tough time..."

That may be, but....

That may be, but her behaviors don't work for me, so I will be taking my own car and leaving early.
That may be, but I won't be hosting her in my home going forward.
That my be, but I do not have one on one conversations with out of control people.

I could go on for days, but you get what I am saying. If your sil can control herself or not is something that is secondary to the reality that her behaviors are harming you and upsetting you to be in close proximity to for any length of time.

If she can control herself is not what you have been trying to address with your DH I am thinking. It is the atmosphere around your sil and how unhealthy that is FOR YOU that you are trying to address. What you are going to do about your side of the street when she acts out... and she will

is 100% your choice. And if that makes someone angry... they will just have to get through that on their own.

The pressure to comply and join the status quo is intense in a family system like you describe and the refusal to join in the dysfunction can be, as I said earlier, very isolating. Know you are not alone and that this is extremely hard to navigate and still not allow any of this to come between you and your DH. Keep coming back and sharing and using your very wise coping strategies when you are around her.

Lilyloo · April 11, 2022, 02:19:31 PM

bloomie, Thank You! I think the isolation is the hardest part for me. I feel that none of them try to see my point, even my own children, just casually brush her behavior off . It hurts as I feel like the bad person. I am sorry you have gone thru it also. Your reply is wonderful, so full of great advice and made me feel better. It sounds like your sil is just the same. Mine comes off as a darling. So many people are fooled by her.

What you said about every single family member allowing it, is so spot on! In their own ways they watch it, know it's wrong ,but continue to allow it! That is very hard to process for me. There's so much I can't say here as I went to far before and had to delete. I've learned, I hope not to say to much.

Perhaps we cant change our personality, but I've seen her post God things, then in an instant she will post a very nasty quote surely aimed at someone or other. This is a deliberate action in my opinion. But she cant help it???

Everything you say makes perfect sense! In my case tho the matriarch has passed on, but this left sil to fill her place. Nobody, absolutely nobody says a word to her. You are so right, it is total organized dysfunction.

Deep down, I do believe a few know how crazy it all is, but let it go.

I love your phrase, "that may be but" Perfect! I actually told hubby yesterday that I will be going early to spend quiet time with my grandkids, and I'm taking my own car, and leaving early. I said I will be kind, help with the meal, and then I'm coming home. My way of being kind will be staying far away as I can from her. I think it will be nice weather so I can sit outside. They can all listen to the bragging that shes an awesome grandma, etc etc. I have not hosted her in at least 10 years here in my home. She pulled a good one back then, and I said "never again"

I never understood bragging. The introvert in me cannot nor would want to do it. This introvert has a tough time around extreme extroverts like sil. I always stand out as the odd ball. LOL.

And yes, bloomie, it is the atmosphere around her that is terribly unhealthy for me. I feel tied up in knots. There is one issue that I am always on the brink of addressing with her. I know if I do that the consequences would be worse than telling her. I try very hard to not do it. So far, so good! I have a good husband and I think she is just not worth the stress it could bring.

It feels good to know I am not alone and I will keep coming here to talk to you and others who know what this is like. Thank you so much bloomie

lkdrymom · April 15, 2022, 05:05:29 PM

The other version I have heard is "that is just the way they are" and the perfect response is "well this is the way I am ".

Maybe if you look at it this way....no one else gets upset with her because she isn't important enough to get upset over. They have found a way to tune her out? I don't know what her issues are other than the bragging you mentioned. My grandmother had to be the center of the universe and if she wasn't she was very displeased. She would make little digs at others. While everyone tolerated her (feared more like it) I would speak up. She didn't make digs at me like she did others because I would call her out. Anyway, eventually, people spent less and less time around her because she was so unpleasant.

Pepin · April 16, 2022, 03:30:40 PM

Yep, he's in denial sweeping everything under the carpet. He's probably embarrassed, frozen and unable to bring the abuse to light -- and will get flamed if he does. So why not direct the wrath elsewhere: you.

I've been through the same with my husband and his mother (who recently passed). If DH spoke up then other family members would go after him with a pitchfork because they wouldn't want to deal with her either! They LIKED it that my DH was the one to take the fall for DPD CN MIL.

I wish I had some advice on how to break this because only your husband can come to terms with it on his own - despite all the facts you present. I'd say that distance is the best he could do in order to be able to step back and have the space to see the dysfunction. In fact, my DH and I met during a period of distance he was having with his mother. Not having been in his life before that, I had no idea what I was in for after we moved close to his parents and omg DPD CN MIL literally started cracking her knuckles and getting ready to claw into him hard - and she did.

Now that she is gone we are left to pick up the pieces.

Lilyloo · April 18, 2022, 01:16:07 PM

Pepin, Thanks! I do think my hubby is embarrassed. Sounds like you went thru an awful time with your MIL. It's all such dysfunction. I hope it's more peaceful now for you both

Lilyloo · April 18, 2022, 01:21:07 PM

Ikdrymom. Thank you! I did say the other day when hubby was getting annoyed with me " I can't help " lol! I don't think he caught on but I felt good!! I am glad you stood up to your grandmother. The center of attention people are so difficult to deal with.