Weirdest method for getting DH to attend wedding

[Gaining Clarity]

Hello all,

It's been awhile since I've been here. Hope all are doing well.

A strange thing happened today.

A little backstory: DH was betrayed badly by siblings some years ago. They made a huge financial and personal decision that he should have been a part of (especially since he faithfully tended to maintenance, finances and legal issues pertaining to it for years). However, they chose to leave him out of the decision making process. It caused a lot of hurt for DH and they have never acknowledged what they did.

There's a lot of family dysfunction there. Too much to unwrap. Suffice to say, the above was the final straw for DH. His relationships with siblings are basically non-existent EXCEPT for when youngest sib wants something from him.  This sib has a child getting married next year.

Today, DH received a box from sib's child. Inside were sentimental items related to the above decision they left him out of. There also was a note asking DH to play a VERY significant role in the wedding. He barely knows sib's child due to dysfunctional dynamics. As stated above, he has little to no contact with this sib; let alone the others.

Does anyone find this ask and approach strange? FWIW: This sib is uN and completely lacking in remorse or accountability. Sib also is very manipulative; getting others to do bidding so sib doesn't have to get hands dirty or take any ownership if it doesn't work out.

Appreciate unbiased perspective on this situation. Thanks.

[Hilltop]

Something definitely feels off about it.  Sending the items and then a note to ask him to play a significant role when essentially they are strangers.
Who can work out N's and what games they are playing.  I know any reaction to the items sent would be supply for a narc, so I would not mention or react to the box of items.  Nothing will be achieved by bringing up old hurts.

As for the significant role in the wedding, I guess that is up to your Dh.  Personally I would not want to be a part of it, an invitation is one thing and would be normal but this is not.  Personally I would be declining to engage in the significant role.  Whatever they make of that would be up to them.

There is something off about it, I would distance as much as possible from the circus that they are planning.  Protect yourselves.

[Gaining Clarity]

Thank you for your response, Hilltop.

You make many good points. ITA that any reaction is just supply.

Over the years and through my journey Out of the FOG, I have learned to spot the hoovering and manipulation tactics. I stay away as much as possible.

Agree regarding DH needing to decide what he wants to do. Despite any feelings I have, I try not to let them unduly influence him, especially when it comes to his sibs. Sadly, he also is realizing that these hoovers are not coming from a place of love.

Thanks.

[Cat of the Canals]

Definitely sounds bizarre to me. Both the ask itself and the method of delivery. Even if they were more acquainted with one another, wouldn't most people make this type of request in person, or at the very least, over the phone?

It also sounds like the perfect setup for a win-win Narc game. If your husband accepts, he proves to his Nsib that they can treat him terribly, and he will still do their bidding. If he declines, they can paint him as the terrible brother who is still holding some mysterious grudge against the family.

[Gaining Clarity]

You hit the nail on the head, Cat of the Canals! Thanks for the feedback.

Why not at least phone was one of my first thoughts too. And very astute regarding the win-win Narc game. I believe that is the intent as well.

I also think that if he shows up and performs this request that Nsib and rest of family will rationalize that he is no longer bothered by what they did to him and that they're in the clear.

[square]

Just brainstorming. I assume the bride is also being manipulated and isn't invested in DH having the major role. What would happen if DH tried to call her directly and say he was pleased to be asked, but he wondered what may have prompted it? If she is not a N playing along, maybe it can be settled between DH and bride that bride asks someone else. Like DH is worried about being able to perform the role as well as they deserve and maybe another man closer to them would do better.

Idk. Narc checkmate.

[lkdrymom]

To me it sounds like they want something from him and this is a way to draw him in.

[Hilltop]

I do like Square's idea.  Narc's love triangulation so if your DH is going to say anything to anyone regarding this role, it may be an idea to contact the bride herself and decline/accept, whatever he chooses.  Then I would not mention it to the sib at all.  Perhaps as Square says the sib's child may not really care at all about the request and just doing her mother's bidding.  I feel like silence about it would be weird as well.  A non reaction is still a reaction to a narc.

As cats said if it's a win-win narc game then simply don't play.  Not playing is calling up the sib's child direct and communicating normally about the request, decline politely if that's what he wants to do, and then go about your business.  They can try to say he is still holding grudges but this isn't really true is it, he can decline this request, he doesn't have to be forced into it.  And really narc's will lie or say anything to paint it how they want, so my feelings are do what you consider the right and polite thing to do is, say if they were all co-workers and then leave them with it.  I feel this would be side stepping their drama, be polite, be pleasant and then remove yourself from further conversation especially with sib.  It is not the sib's wedding.

Good luck, I hope it goes ok.

[Gaining Clarity]

Square: I think that is a good suggestion. It sounds like a good way to gracefully bow out of the request. I do think sib's child is doing parent's bidding here.

Ikdrymom: I agree

Hilltop: You also bring up a point that I try to adhere to when it comes to these types of personalities. Always take a calm, polite approach. Never give them anymore fuel for the fire.

Thanks all.