To marry or not to marry

[Associate of Daniel]

Ok, bear with me.  I'm just throwing thoughts around.

As a christian, when I was in my teens and twenties, the goal of a romantic relationship was marriage and then to have children.

So eventually, at nearly 31, I married and after some years we had a child.

My husband (uNPD exH) left the marriage nearly 12 years later for his long time girlfriend and moved in with her. He divorced me not long after our 13th wedding anniversary.

I'm now 52 and not likely to be able to have any more children.  I love kids and would dearly love to have had more but God had other plans.

So now I'm wondering, does the goal of marriage in a relationship still stand and my age?

I'm ok with the idea of pursuing a relationship again. (There is currently, and never has been, any possibilities of that.). But I'm not quite at that point of wanting to contemplate remarriage.  I'm guessing that would become an easier thought once if I were actually in a relationship.

But, do I have to marry?

Don't get me wrong.  As a christian I don't believe in living together or sexual relations outside of marriage.  But wouldn't it be ok to be in a relationship without marriage, (or sex or living together)? 

Yes, it's "better to marry than to burn".  But let's face it.  As I age, how much burning is there likely to be?

The companionship is more important to me at this stage.  And the practical help.

Yes, maybe, as the relationship progresses, the thought of marriage might not be as scary and might actually be inviting.  But does it even have to be a thing?

Thoughts, anyone?

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi AOD! I majorly respect your asking these questions. It's so wise of you to think these things through in the abstract and get real clear on your principles about what marriage is so you can then act on them instead of allowing yourself to be driven by emotion and circumstances.

The difficulty that stands out to me is that you have been married. Jesus says that a man who divorces his wife and takes another commits adultery. Which is your ex's situation exactly. If what you and your former husband had together is a valid marriage, then remarrying would be off the table until he is deceased. If at the time of your wedding you both understood and meant the vows and were able to make them in good faith. Of course discerning that is not always simple, especially when there is a disordered person involved. (Can someone who is emotionally immature even make an adult commitment to marriage, for example?) If he had been cheating long term, and especially around the time of your marriage, that would be evidence against his intending to honor those vows. This is a process that is good to have outside help with in my opinion! Both for support and objectivity. That would be step one, being sure you are in fact free to pursue a marriage, regardless of your age/sexual desires/anything else. It's hard when you are obviously the wronged party in the divorce, but I have to take what our Lord says about marriage at face value.

Having a relationship for mutual help that is not a marriage and there is explicitly no expectation of anything like marriage is a different thing all together in my mind. If the Lord puts such a person in your life, perhaps who is in a similar boat to yourself, then you have a partnership that can be a real blessing! I would think that this kind of relationship could also be with a woman. But it's a separate issue and really isn't something you could make happen quickly in any circumstances. I hope that outside perspective is helpful.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, user for your detailed reply -and giving your perspective as a male. 

Reading your post made me realise that I have again fallen into the trap of thinking selfishly only of myself regarding the issue of marriage.  I guess it's common to do so the longer one remains single!

I agree with you that marriage can be completely fulfilled without children.  I don't think I've ever really thought that the choice to not have them, was ok.  Your post has given me much food for thought on this and I appreciate that, despite it not being relevant for me at this stage of my life.  It is important though that I examine this aspect for future conversations with younger people.

Thanks, Call me Cordelia for the reminder to examine whether or not remarriage is Biblically permissible.  I have done a lot of reading and talking with various ministers etc regarding this and concluded some time ago that in my case, it is permissible.

Your mention that the partnership I described could also be with a woman was thought provoking.  I hadn't thought of that.

I have various female friends who I catch up with fairly regularly.  We have strong relationships that are very mutually supportive.

I must therefore be desiring something more from a relationship that can't be met by friends.  I should examine this more to work out what that is.  Perhaps it is the physical intimacy thing.  I feel it wouldn't be appropriate to cuddle up with my female friend on the couch.

So thank-you, both.  I really appreciate your thought provoking responses to my post.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

AOD,

Thank you for starting this thread.  I am at a similar phase of my life.  Exploring the possibility of a relationship after divorce.  Do I want marriage?  Do I need marriage?  Is it morally right?  And so many more questions.

I am Catholic as I have posted before on these pages.  Like CMC posted, for me to remarry would be immoral and against the catholic church and I would not be permitted to take communion again.  Unless I pursued an annulment.  I spoke with my priest about this - he believes that my xOCPDh did not enter the marriage in the right mind and in good faith.  But getting the proof is not possible.  I would not want to go that route at this point in time.  So I abide by my vow and am not pursuing marriage.  But I also in good faith here state that I am not currently practicing.  I have so many issues now with the church outside of this marriage.  So I look at it as more of a covenant with God.  I have faith - and my faith is outside of the structure of a church.

But despite the above, I miss the physical side of marriage - not that it was great - but that fleeting feeling of being desired.  Feeling beautiful.  And just physical touch - a hug from my kids etc.   That cuddle on the couch like you spoke of.  I miss having a person check on me or ask how I am.  Not that it occurred in a healthy way - but my perception of it for so long in the FOG is still there.  So what do I really want?

These are topics that my therapist has asked me to explore in my journaling.  She also asked that after each date/interaction/connection - whatever you call it these days with apps and whatnot - that I list good/bad - wants/needs/desires.  A list per se.  I have to say it has helped me define what I want and need.  I am beginning to understand that I have been leaning on the outside affirmation of a man for my self-confidence.  That's not healthy.  I also think that my loneliness is self-inflicted - granted I'm fairly immobile right now but that doesn't mean I can't facetime or text or call.  And my loneliness doesn't always mean I have to put a man there.

Think about that when those feelings bubble up.  Let them sit for a while.  Don't push them away.  And when you can, trace it back to the trigger.  If there is one.  Write about.  Pray about it.  Grow with it.

In God's love, you will discover what you really want.

[Associate of Daniel]

JKT, I appreciate your candour.

The lack of hugs has been really difficult for me in the last few years.

I think the isolation caused by Covid, my ds moving to live with his uNPD dad and uNPD smother just before Covid hit, and ds (now 15) now no longer wanting hugs, has caused a great hole in my life!  I never realised how much I needed physical touch before all of the above.

However, marriage is about so much more than a physical connection.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

AOD,

Absolutely!  Marriage is more than a physical connection.  That's why it's been a revelation in my journaling - dividing exactly what do I miss?  The physical? The emotional? The community?  Dividing each of those desires/wants/needs - at least just looking at them has been so helpful.

To be candid again, I am not sure what a deep emotional connection is?  For 32 years I felt like I had to withhold a huge part of myself to cope with my xOCPDh behavior - to keep myself as grounded and sane as you can be in the FOG.  I think that is how I was able to begin leaving - withholding myself kept me just a toe over the line into realness.

So knowing this, marriage commitment and even dating is a daunting proposal.  Is it losing yourself like I did - or gaining a partner/friend to approach life with.  I thought at those lucid moments with my ex that we were partners with similar values.  I suppose I need to trust myself again as well.

I hope relating my journey and candor - revealing those questions that I ask myself - will help you.  At a minimum let you know you are not alone in your questioning.

[Associate of Daniel]

Yes, a deep emotional connection was lacking in my marriage.

I loved him. He didn't love me.  He doesn't seem capable of loving anyone, other than as an extension of himself.

But he also doesn't seem capable of receiving love.
So I loved him as much as he would let me.  I had so much more love to give but that love had nowhere to land.

Sad.

AOD

[1footouttadefog]

I am more familiar with fire that seems like an eternal flame.  I cannot imagine it going out. 

If I ever have a chance at marriage again I will have to be someone with a similar makeup.

As to marriage, I am not sore so would seek a legal marriage again.  I would be okay with a spiritual covenant marriage commitment.  I am only accountable to Go and will render unto Caesar what is Caesar's as the gov has changed alot about the legal aspects of marriage.

Regarding being Catholic and remarrying I had a very close elderly friend whose wife left him and served him for divorse about the time their kids were out of school.  He eventually met someone he had a desire to marry and talked with his friend a Priest and Monsignor.  His friend told him he understood but could not change the Catholic church for him.  The priest told him to go become a protestant, marry and to live in peace because he had done nothing wrong.

Two things that come to mind regarding remarriage but are never popular to bring up in Bible study are that as a man he can morally remarry in that it's a second wife.  Additionally in the old testament adultery was an execution by stoning offence.  Widows and widowers can remarry.

For that matter Blasphemy was a stonable offence.  A great many abusers enter this territory quite often.