Hospital AGAIN!

[p123]

Spoke to Dad hes unreal. "You have to come tonight I need you here".

I explained I have the kids, wife is away "she'll have to come home!"
OMG - I told him I'll be getting divorced with the way you're carrying on.

Like I said, I saw him Tuesday, he was ok, slightly stiff leg, Wednesday he was at the hospital. They sent him home, told him its arthritis which is quite bad. Friday - its virulent this arthritis its worse again! I don't buy it.....

I asked him "so you can get to the bathroom, you can cook, you can eat". "Yes but my leg is painful and I can't make the bed properly"

I lost it at this point. So, in his head hes worse, but he just wants me there. An hour round trip to make his bed! "but you're brother has been here 2 days". He lives 5 mins away and has no kids!

Then he says "Oh the social are coming 1pm Tuesday to assess things, I need you to be here". NO IM WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"yes but you're employer needs to understand". Jeez I don#t know how many times I've told him, its my client not employer. Yes they will understand but I'm not dropping another of Dads made up wild goose chases on them. Again brother 5 mins down the road - ask him! "but hes working" Jeez - back to the old hes got a proper manual job you just work at home in an office job again.....
And anyway - WHY DO I NEED TO BE THERE? Can't you speak any more?

I'm SO annoyed..... I've told him MAYBE I can pop over sunday night (wife is back sunday) but no way Jose for Tuesday. Hes not happy. He really is the most selfish man in the world....

Trouble is I'm rubbish at this. I lose my temper with him but he still comes back with it all. I end up agreeing to do things..... I'd love to just ignore him totally.

[p123]

Really tempted to book and pay for a carer for him to visit him over the weekend. Can GUARANTEE he'll say NO DON'T WANT.

Of course, all he wants is everyone running around for him.

[moglow]

Your employer needs to understand ... that dad has arthritis and can't make his bed. Got it.

Look I don't want to be ugly here, nor do you I know. This sounds a lot more like lonely bored old fella who's feeding off the attention. Book the carer, see how it falls out.  I'd probably find a way to be there for the assessment just as a witness. If he needs care, fine, he'll get it. If he's crying wolf that'll come out too.

He's feeding off the arguments, the discussions,  the irritation etc. He doesn't call your brother because brother doesn't engage. He says no - if he answers at all - and goes his merry way. Maybe you can take a lesson from that. I'm not saying ignore completely but damn. Why is all of this necessary and how can you stop it?? By backing off. Forcing yourself to not engage with every little thing he throw at you.


Boundaries!! They're yours - use them. Don't think for one minute he'll just stop and say okay - you have to guard those fences. He's hearing only what he wants to hear anyway, so learn how to stop the conversations and answer fewer calls.

[Cat of the Canals]

By backing off. Forcing yourself to not engage with every little thing he throw at you.

Boundaries!! They're yours - use them. Don't think for one minute he'll just stop and say okay - you have to guard those fences. He's hearing only what he wants to hear anyway, so learn how to stop the conversations and answer fewer calls.

1000 times this. You spoke to him yesterday AND today. Has anything changed? No. The "problem" (if you can even call it that) yesterday was that he can't make the bed and surprise surprise, that is STILL the problem today.

I'd take this as a lesson. He's cried wolf one too many times. Maybe make it a rule from now on to only check in with him once during these little dramafests.

[p123]

Your employer needs to understand ... that dad has arthritis and can't make his bed. Got it.

Look I don't want to be ugly here, nor do you I know. This sounds a lot more like lonely bored old fella who's feeding off the attention. Book the carer, see how it falls out.  I'd probably find a way to be there for the assessment just as a witness. If he needs care, fine, he'll get it. If he's crying wolf that'll come out too.

He's feeding off the arguments, the discussions,  the irritation etc. He doesn't call your brother because brother doesn't engage. He says no - if he answers at all - and goes his merry way. Maybe you can take a lesson from that. I'm not saying ignore completely but damn. Why is all of this necessary and how can you stop it?? By backing off. Forcing yourself to not engage with every little thing he throw at you.


Boundaries!! They're yours - use them. Don't think for one minute he'll just stop and say okay - you have to guard those fences. He's hearing only what he wants to hear anyway, so learn how to stop the conversations and answer fewer calls.

I know exactly - Arthritis doesnt get worse in 3 days..... I've seen this 30 times before with him. What starts out as something minor then escalates in his head to being serious because hes not willing to wait or help himself.
He did bang his leg, he had a very small bruise on his knee, Im sure it was uncomfortable but now its all in his head.

There are many, many holes in his "story". They released him from hospital same day on Wednesday. In my experience, if theres any doubt they will keep the person in especially if they're old (dont want to get sued) so you can bet there was ZERO serious problem. Same with the "assessment". Someone in hospital would have decided on the priority and decided he was fine until next week. If he was urgently requiring care they would have put a carer in place same day. Dad forgets my wife is a nurse and knows how things work mostly!

Brother I think has been there - like I said hes 5 mins away. How his "employment" is more important than mine always annoys me... Im at home so I must be free to drive over.

He does have anxiety problems and panics. I can see that. This is where a lot of this comes from. I've tried for years to get him to speak to his GP about but he refuses. He always said "when I was young people died working down the mine, these days noones depressed. Going to the doctor like a little girl and getting tablets, just need to pull their socks up" exact quote.

So, as with everything with Dad, I now try to help, he refuses so in this case "pull your socks up then"

[p123]

By backing off. Forcing yourself to not engage with every little thing he throw at you.

Boundaries!! They're yours - use them. Don't think for one minute he'll just stop and say okay - you have to guard those fences. He's hearing only what he wants to hear anyway, so learn how to stop the conversations and answer fewer calls.

1000 times this. You spoke to him yesterday AND today. Has anything changed? No. The "problem" (if you can even call it that) yesterday was that he can't make the bed and surprise surprise, that is STILL the problem today.

I'd take this as a lesson. He's cried wolf one too many times. Maybe make it a rule from now on to only check in with him once during these little dramafests.

I know "cant make the bed". Basic human right there lol.
He can eat, sleep, use the bathroom, etc. Yes he is in some discomfort but Dads biggest discomfort at the moment is that I'm not running around mollycoddling him.

What was telling also was I said no can do these things because I've got responsibilities like my kids. At no point has he acknowledged that - my kids to him are just an inconvenience getting in the way.

The older he gets the more I think - what a sad life you're living now. I'm never going to be like that....

[Poison Ivy]

p123, it's possible that your father does need help with activities of daily living (ADLs). Probably the best thing you could do for your dad and yourself at this point is to figure out how to get unbiased information about whether your dad does need help without offering to provide that help if he does indeed need it. Many, although not all, elder people will say that (1) they need help, (2)  they don't want to move out of their home, (3) they don't want to pay people to help them in their home, and (4) having family members' help would be fine. It might be worth being at your dad's home when the social worker visits so that you can provide some unbiased information of your own and hear what the worker says.

[p123]

p123, it's possible that your father does need help with activities of daily living (ADLs). Probably the best thing you could do for your dad and yourself at this point is to figure out how to get unbiased information about whether your dad does need help without offering to provide that help if he does indeed need it. Many, although not all, elder people will say that (1) they need help, (2)  they don't want to move out of their home, (3) they don't want to pay people to help them in their home, and (4) having family members' help would be fine. It might be worth being at your dad's home when the social worker visits so that you can provide some unbiased information of your own and hear what the worker says.

Of course, I understand that and I think he does need help. Trouble is in the past hes cancelled it after a week and told them "my sons will do it". Without asking me.
Chance of getting him to spend even a penny is ZERO. In his head, why when my sons are there?

Literally, about 30 times I've sat him down and explained yes of course I'll help where I can, BUT he needs to realise I live 30-45 mins away, I've got a teenager with Aspergers, and 8 year old, and wife whos disabled herself. This all gets ignored by him all the time.

[nanotech]

P123, just imagine you were single and childless, with more regular working hours, and you lived nearby too, would you want to virtually give up your life to look after him 24/7 for the next 5,10, 20 years?
Because that's what it would take. That's the expectation from someone with a NPD personality disorder. And you still wouldn't get appreciated for it. You'd get grudging toleration at best.
Mentioning your commitments doesn't help you. PDs think, and always will believe, that they come first. He couldn't care less if you get divorced, and in fact might  well prefer it. They don't rate good spousehood  or good fatherhood, unless it's about them, and especially not if it takes attention away from them. Your being a good father, a supportive husband, doesn't carry any weight for him. Just the opposite.  He'd rather you weren't these things then he thinks you would come tend to his needs all day and night forever. 
When you offer these  commitments as reasons for not being able to help more, you also give him sticks with which to escalate  the abuse.
He  scoffs, dismisses them as reasons, then telling you ways that yes, you can meet his needs, you just have to think harder! For example, he tells you to 'tell your wife to come home from work!' or you to 'get a 'proper' job'.  Then it's a vicious and escalating cycle for you. It's just fodder for abuse. They use our explanations against us. The trick is to stop explaining.
So I recommend just saying NO and repeating that.  Less painful in the end.
Just no because you don't want to, because you think a lot of it is unnecessary, and proximity to him give him opportunities to abuse you. Don't tell him the last reason -he doesn't see it as abuse, and will deny it. Try not to offer any reasons, other than  no. Just say NO. Then end the call.  Keep convos short. Don't tolerate telephone abuse, end the call early if he tries that. Tell him being his carer 'doesn't work for you' . If he tries to ask why, just repeat that it  just doesn't work. Don't elaborate.
if you have  to say anything else. Keep it GENERAL. Never mind  in depth explaining about your job, kids, wife. That just gives him information he can study and dismiss as weak reasons.
Let me tell you too, social services do have  experience with dysfunctional family dynamics,  and they are aware that some parent- child. relationships have toxic elements. They have to think about everybody's well being. It's actually better FOR YOUR DAD if social services were to step in.
By all means tell SS of your commitments,  but also  tell them your dad has cancelled their care  based on a false statement., you never said you would replace the care.  When he had carers in, their not being family members meant that  he couldn't press their emotional  buttons so there was no satisfaction, no narcissistic supply for him.
Tell SS he was UNTRUTHFUL to them about your being willing and able to provide that care yourself!
Due to how he is with you, and also your needing to live your own life, you could never replace that care, commitments or not.
You'll find people are more understanding than you think. 

So glad I put my boundaries in place and began to say NO without explanation. It seems incredible but it actually does work. If I hadn't done so  I'd now be running round pandering to my dad and ignoring my back condition and the rest of my family.  If I can do it  so  can you.

[bee well]

P123, I am sorry you are dealing with this tough situation. As I once heard someone say  [about aging uPD family drama, I believe it was, ""It's like carrying a piano while walking a tightrope." You've gotten some very helpful feedback, I don't think I could add much, but wanted to chime in for solidarity. The observations from Nanotech, are priceless: " So glad I put my boundaries in place and began to say NO without explanation. It seems incredible but it actually does work. If I hadn't done so  I'd now be running round pandering to my dad and ignoring my back condition and the rest of my family.  If I can do it  so  can you."  (I need to put that on auto repeat for myself and DH.)

[Waz]

My father was a raging Unpd, rather than a waif, but the social worker was sympathetic to me after a long phone call and having tried to work with and for my parents. It didn't take long for Dad's mask to slip! She was very professional but did describe the situation as challenging, with masterly understatement after a few contacts with him.🥴

[lkdrymom]

This is such a trip down memory lane for me with my father.  Minor illnesses turn into fatal diseases in his mind and the end result is he just wants your attention.  The problem is, no matter how much attention you give him, he will want more.  His bed is unmade and that is a cause for concern.  My father's crisis was always the remote wouldn't work.  And my work needed to understand that I had to run right over right now.

[p123]

Well after my blow up with him on Friday hes suddenly "managing".
Proving once again its all in his head..... Jeez.

Nano - of course everything you say is right but its difficult when he ropes in the entire family to his little games and they believe him.
Hes even dropped his request for me to take time off Tuesday now.

Of course, I'm under no illusion here that hes sat down, thought about and decided he is being unfair. All I've done is burst his bubble of his little team of enablers and stopped the descent into more pity. Or more importantly hes realised how upset I am and doesnt want to lose such a valuable resource.

[Poison Ivy]

"it's all in his head": maybe, maybe not.

"doesn't want to lose such a valuable resource": probably yes

[p123]

"it's all in his head": maybe, maybe not.

"doesn't want to lose such a valuable resource": probably yes

Oh its 99% in his head. Whether he can cope depends on what mood hes in, what hes worried about. I've seen it a 1000 times with him...

Like I said, last Saturday he hurt his knee. I saw him Tuesday he was fine. Wednesday, I dunno, hes talked himself that theres something serious, hes off to the hospital, home same day (not a lot wrong its arthritis), by Friday the family FM have confirmed that "he really is ill" so its escalated now to "can't manage, cant cook, cant wash" (although hes got an adapted shower which is for people in wheelchairs so I don't get that one. Oh and he showered monday 2 days AFTER the injury but 4 days later he now can't)

Other things too hes massively anxious/worried. I've tried to talk to him about speaking to his GP who can get him maybe councelling or something to start with. Tried loads of times. Trouble is he says things like "I'm not starting that, people like that end up in a padded room". And "In my day, people died working down the mine, these days people just need to pull their socks up and get on with it".

Which, of course, he doesn't do at all! I've tried and tried to explain (I've some experience of mental health) but he just won't listen so I've given up.
You can lead a horse to water and all that.

[Happypants]

Perhaps the visit from social services would also be a good time to highlight his issues with anxiety to give them the full picture. You have an opportunity to make your position clear and, dare I say it, put him on the spot - he either needs help or he doesn't, either way it's not on you to provide that help and that made clear to social services in his presence may be a step in the right direction.

[bee well]

This:
"Oh its 99% in his head. Whether he can cope depends on what mood hes in, what hes worried about. I've seen it a 1000 times with him...

Like I said, last Saturday he hurt his knee. I saw him Tuesday he was fine. Wednesday, I dunno, hes talked himself that theres something serious, hes off to the hospital, home same day (not a lot wrong its arthritis), by Friday the family FM have confirmed that "he really is ill" so its escalated now to "can't manage, cant cook, cant wash" (although hes got an adapted shower which is for people in wheelchairs so I don't get that one. Oh and he showered monday 2 days AFTER the injury but 4 days later he now can't)

Other things too hes massively anxious/worried. I've tried to talk to him about speaking to his GP who can get him maybe councelling or something to start with. Tried loads of times. Trouble is he says things like "I'm not starting that, people like that end up in a padded room". And "In my day, people died working down the mine, these days people just need to pull their socks up and get on with it".

Keep strong p123, in my view you are doing the right thing, taking care of your family and your marriage. It's hard to deal with the fact that parents do not mellow with age. Often, they will use that position as an occasion to get their own way. The existential anxiety is one thing, but he has to want the help...The "in my day" thing is a massive roadblock. That's not your fault. Good on you for being there when you can, and giving the help you are able to reasonably give.

[p123]

Yeh thats the big thing - I often feel guilty because hes so stressed.
Thing is I know physically hes ok most of the time.

I just have to let it go when he refuses to help himself. He'll NEVER go and see someone about his stress/anxiety I know that.

But then I can't afford to go running whenever hes manufactured something in his head.

I've said before, hes cried wolf so often with me, the doctor, the emergency services I've made peace with the fact that when his time comes we'll find him dead in the chair and I'll be saying "Oops he was telling the truth this time!"
I know its not funny but it makes me laugh sometimes.

[bee well]

Things that aren't apparently funny can make us laugh in disbelief. You can't make this stuff up.

It's ok to laugh- it lightens the load. That doesn't mean one takes it any less seriously, or care any less.

"... I can't afford to go running whenever hes manufactured something in his head."

You care for your Father, but what you have written above is something I would hold on to, and repeat, each time you evaluate how to respond.

[p123]

Things that aren't apparently funny can make us laugh in disbelief. You can't make this stuff up.

It's ok to laugh- it lightens the load. That doesn't mean one takes it any less seriously, or care any less.

"... I can't afford to go running whenever hes manufactured something in his head."

You care for your Father, but what you have written above is something I would hold on to, and repeat, each time you evaluate how to respond.

Whenever I feel guilty this is what I hold on to....

To be perfectly honest, a few years ago if I'd kept on the same path I'd probably be divorced by now.