Went NC in February. The fallout has me feeling on the verge of breakdown.

[honeytide]

I've realized everything in my life has been a response to trauma and abuse. I don't even know who I am anymore. Every day I go through an extreme emotional roller coaster. I'm in therapy, so I have that at least.

When I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel devastated and break down. I'm overwhelmed with the fact that both my parents are narcissists (dad overt, mom covert) and ruthlessly abused me for 29 years. When I distract myself, I feel empty and hollow.

I try very hard every day to grow, release, and heal, but this is overwhelming me. I'm worried it will overpower me and cause me to have a breakdown, so I came to this forum to get some support.

When I do self-care, I feel wrong and disgusted. I know this is because of them and how they've conditioned me. I hate them. I re-experience their abuse in my dreams and try to get away.

I don't know where to go from here. My entire life has been a delusional lie on multiple fronts.

I've recovered from an eating disorder, but this is much harder. At least I could make the choice to eat or not. This is out of my control, and I have no idea what is really me and what is programmed from abuse.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Baby steps is all I can say. Patience with yourself and baby steps. Tiny, hesitant, brave. One after the other. Keep breathing. Learn mindfulness and do breathing exercises when it gets really bad. Maybe where you are right now is something like late onset puberty and you now have the chance to get to know your true self. This is what I told myself after the final discard from my narcissistic husband. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted.
I am glad you go to therapy. You might also want to look into self help groups for Co-Dependency or ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists). It helps to be with people who understand.
Most of all: be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, be the mother to yourself that you wanted and should have had.

[footprint33]

Welcome, honeytide, you are in the right place.

I am so sorry that you are in pain right now and that you are feeling your trauma very closely at this time. I'm not a therapist and so can't advise with expertise, but I can say that whatever steps you are taking in your life to distance yourself from your narcissistic parents, coming to this board will be of help to you. It is excellent that you have a therapist, which is such an important step in understanding what it is to be raised by parents like the ones we have. I first sought help here years ago when I was between Very Limited Contact (VLC) and No Contact (NC). Coming to this board helped give me the strength to go NC and also helped me with many other practical matters related to being VLC and then NC. Most importantly, the care and nurturing of those on this board will help you on your path.

Like you, I have two narcissistic parents. They are also both malignant narcissists, so many of their actions towards me since I was quite young have involved malice and attempts at creating rupture and trauma in my life. I felt very distraught in the past, and also came close to a full breakdown after their mistreatment of me following the birth of my first child. I'm now 47 and first strongly realized there was something wrong with them when I was 34, though deep down, I had known since I was a young girl that the way they treated me and others was not right.

I will write more, but wanted to welcome you and to say that many here understand the feelings of distress, the lack of love, the sabotage by our parents and also subsequent self-sabotage that can occur, and the many other complex patterns and feelings that we go through after being raised by parents who did not nurture us as parents should.

Feel free to share more of your story. Sometimes, it can feel very overwhelming to write because there are so many stories and events that we've been through and it's difficult to know where to start. Wherever you start, you will be supported.

Big hugs,
footprint

[SeaSalt]

Like everything is life, its very hard during and you might have impression that you are not going forward but you are every day, especially when it does not see like that. Than one day you will feel the progress that you are doing now but all at once. Its a bit like learning a new language. Seems like nothing stays but then after few months you suddenly can understand a new language or even speak it. It seems like all of the sudden but actually its the every day silent progress that get you there.

To me personally writing a diary helped a lot. I was being my own therapists. Asking myself questions and answering them. Writing my own truth. Writing down everything helped me to now need to keep all of those thoughts in my mind. My therapist told me also to write to my anger, sadness, grief letters or to talk to these emotions. As crazy as it sounds, actually it helped me tremendously. Its like it these emotions needed to get attention to be able to leave. Healing my inner child was also super useful. You can talk to your inner child or write your inner child letters. Writing here in this forum helps a lot. Staying away from toxic people creates a safe place and allows your nervous system to reset. To me personally magic mushrooms helped a lot, micro dosing, it completely healed my depression.
Also one method that helped me a lot to stop fighting with my NPD mother in my head is to force myself to think of a friend of mind, lets say Maria, each time I think of my mother. Eventually I was directly thinking of Maria instead of my mother. That was fantastic.
Also you can read the book from Luisa Hey : You can heal your life.

I will write more when I think of other tips. You got this. You are not alone. We are all here for you. Big hug.

[moglow]

Good morning, honeytide, and welcome to our little corner! We're walking it with you and are all too aware of how painful and sometimes hopeless it can feel. It's NOT, even though we may think so at times.

Baby steps is all I can say. Patience with yourself and baby steps. Tiny, hesitant, brave.

THIS. Motion matters. Those little things grow into bigger things. Practicing kindness and patience starts with us, even though most of us with PD parents were taught nothing about self care. We learned guilt and shame and stuffing things down to pretend they werent there. So we get to learn as we go.

Like others here, I get/got a lot out of journaling, stream of consciousness "just get it all out" style. Sometimes I'd read back over it, sometimes I'd just get it out and leave it be for a while. Getting it out helped me put it down for a while so I could do other things. An exercise by a recent therapy session also created a shift that has helped me - write/type out my ten best/ten worst memories. While it's painful and stirs up things you'd rather not see again, it also helps shift your thoughts to the good things, the happy moments, what brings you joy.

My hardest time was when I trusted no one, didn't talk about anything I'd been through. I stuffed it down but it was there. Getting it up and out, clearing the air so to speak, made me realize I wasn't alone - that I MATTER. Contrary to what these parents have taught us [whether overtly or not] we all matter as individuals. Our lives, thoughts, actions aren't dependent on or necessarily an extension of them at all.

I tend to be an introvert and am finally where I'm content being alone for the most part, but even there I reach points where I know I'm too isolated, too much buried in the dark places in my mind. Volunteering, stepping out of my self imposed box helps. Sometimes just a hard break in my routine, a lunch or dinner out in a new place. Maybe there are classes or groups you have some interest in, to expand your circle where you're comfortable.

Baby steps. Talk to us - we get it. You're not in it alone.

[kethartikt0kb00m]

 I plan to go no contact with my parents hopefully very soon.  I can't imagine what you must be going through. If it means something, the truth about how you were conditioned coming up is hitting like it is because it wasn't safe to come up until now. Probably because you were in survival mode. You're very brave already for sharing how you're doing with us after going no contact. I'm sure you'll be okay. You were able to do something that many others unfortunately don't do: be free from toxic programming. That alone is proof you'll get through this too.

[kethartikt0kb00m]

Healing my inner child was also super useful. You can talk to your inner child or write your inner child letters.

I recommend this too. It helped me understand a lot about myself. Listen to some guided inner child meditations. They have some great ones on youtube. Try visualizing it even if at first it may feel like it's not working. It takes some practice. 

[Liketheducks]

oh honeytide.......sending you cyber hugs.   
You will get through this.   IF either parent had taken the time to get a diagnosis, I'm pretty sure my Dad was overt narc and mom was covert.   It is so hard when you have both.   They do this evil dance together.   
It is great you're getting counseling.     I've been doing it for years.   EMDR was very helpful for my history of physical and emotional abuse.   
GO.EASY.ON.YOURSELF.    You will take two steps forward and one step back.   Healing isn't linear....as much as we desperately want it to be.   Mindfulness, re-parenting my inner child.    I had to learn to treat myself as an adult with the gentleness that I would treat a beloved child.   You deserve that.   Writing unsent letters to help express the anger and grief, helped me.   You're in the right place.   You deserve to feel love, acceptance, security.    You might not get that from your FOO....but you can make that happen for yourself.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

"...the truth about how you were conditioned coming up is hitting like it is because it wasn't safe to come up until now. Probably because you were in survival mode. You're very brave already for sharing how you're doing with us after going no contact."



Big hugs to you. I too have felt similar feelings early on in NC. You probably are feeling things for the first time that it was never safe to acknowledge for you before. I remember it all bubbling up at once. My NC was like suddenly dropping Mentos into the Diet Coke of my psyche and holy cow there was no holding it back! I didn't want to but that was my lifelong conditioned reflex and I was afraid of my own emotions. It was quite a storm of emotions that I didn't know what to do with but once I accepted the feelings and let it happen it was much better. I filled pages and pages of pure catharsis. It really did help. And eventually it did run itself down into calm and peace.

The emptiness for me was unfamiliarity with the absence of fear and drama. And hey, there was room for joy. I think you will get there too.

I do not have experience with eating disorders myself but I know enough that if you can beat that, you are already very strong! You have been pushed down enough. Best wishes and we are here!

[donutmoonpanda]

Just take it day by day. You don't have to sort it all out right away. Each day recommit to healing & focusing on yourself. It becomes easier and easier.

The emptiness for me was unfamiliarity with the absence of fear and drama.

--- very apt quote from Cordy

[Adria]

Welcome Honeytide,

You are in the right place. I'm so sorry you are hurting this bad right now.  I've been there too.  It is a process, so please be gentle and patient with yourself.

Here are some things that have helped me tremendously:

The book "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfield
"Jerry Wise" videos on You Tube.  He does a lot on narc family situations and healing.
Luke 17:3 Ministries.org on the internet.   

Stay strong, celebrate the smallest victories. Sometimes healing is two steps forward and one step back.  That is okay. You will get through this. Hugs, Adria

[foobarred]

It's scary not knowing who you are.  But there's a flip side: you could, technically, be anybody.  Don't think of yourself as a shapeless blob.  Think of yourself more like a stem cell - a cell that has the potential to become *anything* it's little heart desires (brain cell, heart cell, you name it).  For all you know, there could be all kinds of talents and positive character traits buried in there, suppressed by the trauma, waiting to be uncovered.  Think of yourself as starting on a journey of self-discovery, rather than staring into the existential abyss.

For me, naming things was very powerful, especially in the beginning.  For example: I'm not defective, I have "complex PTSD".  I don't have sucky social skills, I have "avoidant attachment disorder".  My dad wasn't just an a$$hole, he had "narcissistic personality disorder".  I didn't lose my $hit for no reason because I'm crazy, I got "triggered" and had an "emotional flashback".

It's like when you have all these physical symptoms, and you can't make any sense of them, and it's very scary.  But if the doctor says, "Oh, you've got XYZ disease", then it's not so scary, because at least now you know what you're dealing with.  You have a diagnosis, you can educate yourself about it, maybe even treat it.  And when those weird symptoms crop up, you can say, "Oh, that's just my XYZ disease acting up again", instead of freaking out and blaming yourself.  Somehow naming things helped me to start identifying things that were "not me".  And then it was easier to see what was "me".

It took 29 years of abuse to grind you down to this point - it won't be undone in a day.  Think years, not months.  You've already shown a lot of guts by going NC and overcoming your eating disorder.  Be patient with yourself, you got this.

[Morocha2015]

What you are doing for yourself is very brave and amazing!! I went NC about 3 years ago. The first 3 months were the hardest for me. I didn't expect to feel so sad. I can tell you that at this point now, my life is so rich and I find myself with the capacity to love and feel the love of those in my life like never before. I don't question my worth or identity nearly as often. If you stick with it, I promise one day you'll wake up feeling good and thinking about what a wonderful morning it is. And at some point during that day you'll realize you haven't thought of your FOO in several days, and rather than feeling guilty about that you'll feel proud. You put the work in. You liberated yourself. You can love and accept love like never before. I hope this gives you hope, because if I can get there you certainly will too! ❤️