Moving from the Welcome Mat to Here - the latest

[CatLady25]

Hi everyone.  As I described in my first post, my uBPD husband is having a myriad of health issues, both physical and mental.  He is highly intelligent and has done a ton of research on his symptoms, and as of yet, there is nothing that is a clear cut diagnosis for him.  Meanwhile, he has deteriorated rapidly mentally in that he cries all the time, is distressed, in turmoil, visibly shaking and almost incoherent at times.  I sometimes wonder if I need to have him hospitalized. 

So today he talks to me about what he thinks his latest issue is, and how horrible the medical community is in that all the neurologists and other medical people he has seen have been unable to help him for over a year.  He talks all the time about wanting to end it, to end the suffering.  As we're talking, he tells me that if he gets bad enough to be admitted to a psych ward, that I'm to do the research to keep trying to figure out what is going on with him, and to not let them drug him up, etc., etc.  I told him, look, all of these specialists haven't been able to diagnose you as of yet, but somehow you want me to continue to try and figure out what is wrong?  And if you go to a psych ward I'm to tell the doctors, hold up, let me google and see what he needs or doesn't need.  I'm sure that would get us nowhere and besides, I wouldn't do that anyway.
I might add that he is on multiple forums all day long, and I mean all day long, talking to people who have chronic fatigue, lyme disease and other similar problems, people with MS, people with Parkinson's, and on the list the goes. 

I talked him into taking some of his medications that he is adverse to taking as he feels they are making his neurological problems and therefore his mental issues worse.  I find myself in constant turmoil, vacillating between guilt, that he could commit suicide and I wouldn't have done enough for him, to obligation to fear to all of it wrapped into one, exhaustion, anger, resentment, you name it. 

I think a part of him is angry with me that I haven't been able to fix him or he perceives I am unwilling to do so.  He is totally isolated from anyone else, and I am basically the only person he sees or talks to for weeks and months at a time.  He feels too awful to be out and about.   I have been very compassionate and empathetic with him, as I am naturally a very caring person.  I've always sat with him when he cried, and listened when he needed to vent. 

I feel our situation is so complex, but then, isn't everyone's?  Although this is the worst he has ever been, he has been mentally ill and personality disordered his entire life. I've been witness to it for almost 50 years.  I know it has taken its toll on me as well, both mentally and physically.  I do what I can every day to keep my sanity, and thankfully have quite a few outlets and friends to do them with.  Or I would have surely lost my mind already.

Again, thanks for letting me vent.  I think when we live in the midst of sickness for years on end, it changes us and we lose our perspective along the way.  My heart goes out to all of you, dealing with loved ones and trying to maintain your own life balance.  Heaven help us all.

[square]

That sounds really complex, and seems like there are a lot of pieces tangled together and hard to tease apart.

I'm sympathetic to your husband's health issues, that sounds scary and baffling. I had a chronic illness (not nearly as bad) begin years ago and all the doctors just ultimately shrugged. Doctors are great at certain things but medical science doesn't seem to know much about things you can't x-ray or ct scan.

I'm sympathetic to you for having to deal with the PD level of coping your husband is doing. It is normal for partners to support each ither in illness, but his view that you are responsible for curing him is off base.

Btw I recommend that you stay vague about his symptoms and any suspected diagnoses (besides PD) here, since you do not want him to find your posts while searching for answers to his medical issues.

[notrightinthehead]

I might sound hard hearted, but what strikes me from your post is that it seems like in your relationship all the attention is on him and his illness. And that is not fair.
While having such a vague and debilitating illness that no specialist can diagnose must be scary and disheartening, there are terminally ill people out there who are still pleasant to their loved ones and do not demand that all their attention is on them.
You write that your husband has been ill for 50 years now, does that mean that he has denied you a normal life of give and take for 50 years? That the focus of your relationship has been him and his illnesses for 50 years? What is in it for you? Is your role to be his caretaker?
I am so glad to read that you have outside interests and people to be normal with. You need all the help you can get.

[CatLady25]

Square, I'm sorry you have dealt with chronic health issues too.  I am very sympathetic to my husband's issues and to anyone who is suffering.  His situation is very complex.  Thank you for your advice about staying vague.  I'll be sure to do that.  I hope we can find some answers going forward.  I've always been the rescuer and the one who has tried to shield him from suffering, so it's only natural for him to want me to fix this too, even though I think intellectually he knows I can't. 

Notrightinthehead, thank you for your response as well.  I've been the fixer and rescuer my entire life, in my family of origin and my marriage, and this situation is no different.  Don't get me wrong, we've had a good life and lot of good things along the way. But I think sometimes in relationships there can be a dominant and a passive personality.  I've always allowed my own needs to take a back seat to his, so I own my part in our relationship over the decades.  I'm finally at this stage of my life realizing that what I need and want in my life is equally important, and am working on taking care of myself and finding my own path.  That has translated to untangling myself from him, stopping being codependent and allowing him to have his own journey, experience his own pain and come to his own solutions without me stepping in to shield him.  I guess these lessons are better learned late than never, huh? 

[Poison Ivy]

CatLady, I'm sorry you're in this very difficult situation. IMO, the appropriate response for repeated expressions of suicidal thoughts is for you to call for emergency services (for example, 911 in the United States).