Decades of crazy making

[Bettyrubble]

Hi

I'm new here but it's safe to say I could already deliver a complex PowerPoint on PDs and codependency!

I've been with my partner for over 20 years (almost half my life!) and we have three daughters (16,11,8).

It's been turbulent from day 1.

It took a very long time for me to start waking up. I embarked on a journey of self discovery and trying to "fix" myself about 6 years ago as I knew I wasn't happy and felt lost.

I knew things maybe weren't normal in my relationship but put it down to my faults, his stress levels, my inability to communicate.... etc etc

I was told by him soooo many times that it's normal for couples to argue. And that seemed logical, right?! Except I eventually figured out that they aren't actually arguments at all. 99% of the "incidents" stem from him. And they are always about something I've done / not done / said / not said. And every time they'd spiral into this bewildering drama. I'd be told I was selfish, I didn't care, I'm unsupportive, if only I'd just done  xxx then we would be having this conversation. I'd try to explain, apologise ( I'm gonna estimate that I've apologised to him literally thousands of times). They were more like monologues that conversations and I'd leave them feeling utterly broken.  Somehow I could never figure out how to prevent or deal with them.

A few years ago (still not fully aware of what was actually happening in my relationship) I had an emotional affair. I'm not proud of that, but someone from long ago popped up online and made me laugh and feel good about myself and it spiralled from there. It only lasted a week and I felt so awful and guilty so I ended it. But I realised with Crystal clarity that I wasn't happy at home.  Unfortunately he found out about it and everything went a bit haywire. He cried and cried and said he wasn't angry (he was) and begged me to stay and promised to make loads of changes and I stayed (partly because of guilt but partly because I actually believed we could fix things). But for 8 months things were insanely overly intense- we wanted me by his side 24/7, anted me to tell him everything that happened in the affair again and again for hours every night, wanted sex every day. I thought it was all understandable. But the bubble burst and the anger and mood swings returned.

After another 6 months of painful ups and downs I blurted out after a week long silent treatment that I couldn't do this any more but again was convinced to stay. I was now in therapy and starting to really see what the patterns were. I tried to explain in calm and careful ways how some of his behaviour hurt me. I always made sure I owned my own faults and talked about his good stuff too.

So that last 8 months have been an attempt to "fix" things. We've been doing relationship counselling and he's basically convinced he's done everything I asked for.

The penny finally dropped for me a few months back after I stumbled on an article about bpd. It's him. He's a high functioning variety but it's him. My therapist also sadly informed me that so much of his behaviour falls into the emotional abuse category (guilt trips, manipulation, criticism, blame, control, gaslighting)

I'm also to my horror now aware of the fact he does this to our kids too). In fact since trying to be less angry with me he has become more angry with our eldest.

So how I'm in the terrifying limbo land of knowing I can't change this, it's never going to  be "fixed" and knowing in my heart I need to leave but somehow unable to do it.

Sorry about the essay!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have now redefined her as my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

You articulate very well what many people are trying to understand and cope with. My conclusion after decades of abuse and educating myself about PDs is that I can't change anyone else's behaviour I can only change and control my own.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Observe don't absorb.

I have learnt about projection. I have learnt about cognitive dissonance and the surreal and bizarre situations we endure. Other people really don't understand unless they have had similar experiences themselves.

One if the many people I follow on YouTube is the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She has a podcast of the same name. I have learnt a lot from her. She keeps me grounded and determined to keep to my firm boundaries of no contact.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[notrightinthehead]

I want to add my Welcome BettyRubble. You have found a good place. I am glad that you are in therapy and that you have started to work on yourself. If your h suffers with a PD, you will be clever to accept that it is very unlikely that he will change. But you can change, in fact you might have to in order to make your and your kids life better than it was.
There is a lot of information available and I urge you to start reading the Toolbox. Pick those strategies that are suitable for your situation, in my case Medium Chill and non Jade as well as boundaries were the three tools I practised most. They really made my home life calmer. Self care is essential, so you want to find spaces and places of peace and quiet where you can regain your energy.
Emotional and financial independence might be goals you want to aim for - even if you decide to stay in this relationship. Start working quietly but consistently towards your goals. And teach your children well too. Do not apologize or explain away his behaviour. Allow them to see him for what he is and draw their own conclusions. Help them to make healthy choices and process their reality in a way that enables their growth.
I would like to recommend a book that I found very helpful 'Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad. And a book that opened my eyes to all the ways in which I was being abused 'Why does he do that?' by Bancroft.
You are not alone in this! Stick around and join us in our journey out of the abuse. 

[Bettyrubble]

Hi thank you so much for the welcome it's nice not to feel so alone 

[Bettyrubble]

One if the many people I follow on YouTube is the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She has a podcast of the same name. I have learnt a lot from her. She keeps me grounded and determined to keep to my firm boundaries of no contact.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

Thanks I will check this out!

[apparentlyImgiftd]

Hi! I am new here too- I have 4 kids 20, 18, 18, 16 and I can tell you they are affected too.  Mine now have anxiety and have attachment issues just by seeing and absorbing daily events from spouse's constant negative energy and never knowing if he would be happy or annoyed at life.  They are also fearful of leaving me because they think I need them and will not be protected emotionally.

You have to show them you are a priority and not a victim.  YOU show them who the strong parent is and by actions you free them from the cycle of crazy too.

I will tell you what the cycle will be so prepare your kids:
You separate
Your kids MUST go NO contact (they block his number and cut off the oxygen) If they don't he will find the one that is the most like you to manipulate (who is compassion and feels bad for him)
You have to then realize that you don't want to feed them - so your tendency is to tell him all the answers, how this happened, what you learned in the egg shell book, what your therapist said, blah blah, cause to you that is amazing stuff! What talking to him or replying to ANY text, email does, is feed the beast with the attention he craves.  So one word answers only, thanks, yes, no, understood...
Once these two things are in place create a group chat for you and the kids alone.  Don't gas light them anymore, no more protection from reality of what is happening- they see it and understand it is happening.  Keep communication open, tell them you are sad too, and for God's sake get each a therapist on Talkspace, best invention ever! it is 24 / 7 open communication with a therapist and they can text and video tape messages any moment they feel it. 
Then the cycle begins: Deprive him of attention, he will do the following in no order but it will be brutal my friend so grab those big girl panties and let's go!
Anger that you can't do this to him- he will be abusive verbally, tell you all the things you did wrong, bring up all the crap he can and yell, stomp feet and be a petulant child. he will also say you will destroy the kids, you will be penniless, you will be ... he will try and use fear to change you back to the victim you were and he controlled.
Denial and relief- he will text you and the kids, show up, just act like nothing happened and you all will be like... um sir are you insane? yes yes he is
Self Pity party for one- he will then tell you he has had a nervous breakdown, threaten self harm (take this serious and call 911 - if he is full of shit it will embarrass him and show him you don't play games he will never tell you again) He will also have others call you , email you and tell you how sad he is, how sorry he is...blah blah STRONG GIRL!!
Love Bomb - flowers will show up to you and your family, gift cards for the kids, groupon's for massages... tell him to stop and take those smelly flowers to your neighbor and say thanks for being you girl.  Drop them off with not a second thought - or just put them one by one in the garbage disposal for happy times

Here is the hardest advice to follow- shut up- yup- don't say what you found, what you are going to do, what any of your plans are - ZERO, just plot, and giggle that you are free- think about how to stay busy. You must start a side gig of living for the new you.  You now focus on making different dinners for your taste, you get to start pickle ball or mahjong or find meetup.com groups for bunko- and you MUST exercise and breathe my friend.

I am in the thick of it right now- mine moved away 3 weeks ago and I am reeling from craziness myself- There is a playbook to this, I am also loving the audio book Leave a Cheater Gain a life- even if this does not resonate (she gives you a perspective of not being a doormat and super empowering on what not to do)