Mother's Day Card (just need to vent)

[waterfalls]

I'm sure those of you with NPD parents can relate and understand what a minefield Mother's Day and Father's Day can be. I shouldn't be surprised, and I should be laughing and shrugging this off, but I can't help but feel a little irritated.

I recently sent my mother a card for Mother's Day. I drove 20 miles to an actual card store to have an assortment of cards to choose from (the supermarkets near me have cards I know I've sent her in years past). I tried to get her a card I haven't gotten before.

Some background: my mother hates pink because her ex-mother-in-law (who was also a narcissist) loved pink. She also pays close attention to what a card says, seeing it as a reflection of what the giver wants to say.

I took a lot of time choosing and found a card that had the right message. In the store lighting, it looked peachy-pink rather than pure pink, so I thought I could get away with it (as you may know, it's tough to find many Mother's Day cards that aren't pink or have some pink in them). I guess I should have known better and shouldn't have taken the chance--my bad.

Well, today I call my mother and she tells me that she got my card, thanks me, and tells me, "You got me a pink card, and I was thinking that my daughter forgot that I don't like pink." I told her I was going by what the card said and that it's hard to find a card that's not pink, that I tried not to get her a card I got her before.

Yeah, this should be funny, but it just ruffles my feathers. Always criticism, even over the color of a stupid card. Thanks for listening.

[notrightinthehead]

A perfect lesson on how not to be with your kids - or loved ones for that matter - if you want them to stick around and be close to you. Next years card hopefully will be green and say Happy St Patrick's Day!

[Cat of the Canals]

She hates pink because someone else loved pink. That's peak pettiness right there. Good lord.

Out of curiosity, I'm wondering if she take such pains choosing gifts and cards for you? If she would deem it acceptable/unacceptable for you to point out that a gift wasn't to your taste? If my PDmom gets anything but fawning praise over the gifts she picks out, she pouts and rages.

[waterfalls]

Well, she doesn't rage over things she gifts me that I don't like, but she shows that she's hurt over it. I've had to tip-toe delicately whenever she gives me something I don't like (i.e., it doesn't fit, doesn't match my room, etc.). Of course, she has no problem telling me that she doesn't like something or can't use something I got for her. I know how she is, but it gets to me sometimes.

[moglow]

I saw a card online earlier, looked all pink and soft and lovey. Outside: love comes full circle. Inside: wishing you the kind of day where all the love you've given would come right back to you. Tongue in cheek, don't you think. A little bittersweet humor for a day that's so not funny for us.

Peace, waterfalls.

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm so sorry. How painfully petty. It is such a terribly commercialized holiday, isn't it? The woman who invented it in America spent her last days trying to get rid of it, she was so disgusted with the commercialization.

Greeting cards. Sheesh. My family is also very into cards as a gift. Which would seem like a convenient way to get through a holiday or a milestone with a pd parent. But ultimately, just like everything, it was never enough. I could never do enough.

Last time I was standing in a greeting card aisle working so hard to toe the line between funny & sentimental (because that's a big deal for my pd parents), DH felt terrible watching me getting an ulcer, reading all these cards, trying to pick the "perfect" one. More or less he said this of greeting cards: They're emotional poignancy for people who don't actually feel emotion. It's cliffs notes for emotional connection. 'Here's this sappy card somebody else wrote so I don't have to actually say or feel anything.' The person who wrote the card doesn't know you or your relationship, they're a perfect stranger, it's not a message from the giver's heart so how can it really be touching? Why in the world does it matter?

This perspective has helped me stay out of the greeting card aisle, but I'm NC now so it's kind of a hard line for me.

[FromTheSwamp]

One time years ago, I picked out a Mothers Day card with a sweet message, signed it and mailed it off.  After she got it, she quizzed me about what it said and got all hurt that I didn't remember exactly what it said.  Because obviously that meant I didn't really care. 

[nanotech]

" I took a lot of time choosing and found a card that had the right message."

Me too, and UNPDdad would still manage to pick on something, whether it be size, colour, design, time of arrival, method of arrival, etc
Now I just send any card. I don't put lots of effort in. The response is sort of the same. I say sort of, because I've found that if my card is very  generic and plain, my dad is less critical, or even gracious. No idea why this happens?  I've just found that in my case, less fuss and worry on cards pays off for me. I don't think it's the same though, for everyone on here. But it's my experience.
Last year I stopped putting money in cards for my PD flying monkey niece. I realised that she was well beyond the age for this. I told her that I was stopping, that it was time I thought, hope she understood (she's well into her 40s!).
I suddenly realised that despite having no real relationship with her, I had for years continued to send her money and a card.  and that it was FOG- fawning behaviour- eeek! 
Following this, OMG I was so shocked-  she sent ME  and some of my FOC an actual card too! This is the first card I've/ we've  ever received from her.

[nanotech]

I'm so sorry. How painfully petty. It is such a terribly commercialized holiday, isn't it? The woman who invented it in America spent her last days trying to get rid of it, she was so disgusted with the commercialization.

Greeting cards. Sheesh. My family is also very into cards as a gift. Which would seem like a convenient way to get through a holiday or a milestone with a pd parent. But ultimately, just like everything, it was never enough. I could never do enough.

Last time I was standing in a greeting card aisle working so hard to toe the line between funny & sentimental (because that's a big deal for my pd parents), DH felt terrible watching me getting an ulcer, reading all these cards, trying to pick the "perfect" one. More or less he said this of greeting cards: They're emotional poignancy for people who don't actually feel emotion. It's cliffs notes for emotional connection. 'Here's this sappy card somebody else wrote so I don't have to actually say or feel anything.' The person who wrote the card doesn't know you or your relationship, they're a perfect stranger, it's not a message from the giver's heart so how can it really be touching? Why in the world does it matter?

This perspective has helped me stay out of the greeting card aisle, but I'm NC now so it's kind of a hard line for me.

Wow this is spot on!
"They're emotional poignancy for people who don't actually feel emotion. It's cliffs notes for emotional connection."

[waterfalls]

Thanks, everyone, for your responses and for listening. People who are lucky not to have a parent with PD don't get how difficult holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day can be for those of us who have a PD parent. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't make a big fuss over things like cards (I save cards I've received, and I realized my mother sent me the same birthday card 3 times in the past decade; I haven't and don't plan to mention it to her). If someone sends me a card, I just thank the person for sending it and for thinking of me. I don't criticize or analyze. As we unfortunately well know, PDs operate differently.

[Lilyloo]

I picked out a card today. I was sad as I am every moms day, because I want so much to pick one of those cards that praises a mom and thanks a mom and tells her how she made me who I am and all those sweet things. I choose from the section that says for EVERYONE.  Life could have been so different.

[moglow]

Lillyloo, I looked at cards last night thinking to find something bland and under the radar, almost hurled right in the middle of Publix. They're lovely and imaginative and artful, precious and playful and fun. And dear Lord baby Jesus, they're painful to read.

Monday can't come soon enough. Holding us all close in one more big tight hug!!

[LavenderLime]

I've been making cards for over 20 years. I enjoy it and put time and love into it. About 10 years or more ago, sent one to Unpdmother for some holiday, she actually made a remark about sending her "a cheesy homemade card" . I was crushed by this comment but now it is a sad joke between me and my husband. Yes, insulting because I didn't go to a store to get a card and underline the "meaningful words" like she does.  So, I keep sending a handmade card, but don't spend much time on it and usually the Mother's day card just says Happy Mother's Day.

[SunnyMeadow]

usually the Mother's day card just says Happy Mother's Day.

I did this one year after she turned my grown daughter's social media post into a big conspiracy against her. This caused me to go NC with her but I felt enough guilt to send a Mother's Day card.    I send a very generic, bland one that basically said Happy MD. She emailed me a hateful message that read like she was spitting fire. That's how I knew I didn't block her email...quickly fixed that. I don't think any of my cards measured up to her high standards.

Ahhhh NPD mothers...aren't they a delight? 

[moglow]

LavenderLime, maybe use future endeavors as a learning opportunity - trying new techniques and materials etc? Twisted that she can't even appreciate the gesture, or how much you enjoy making cards. 

[Starboard Song]

I've been making cards for over 20 years. I enjoy it and put time and love into it. About 10 years or more ago, sent one to Unpdmother for some holiday, she actually made a remark about sending her "a cheesy homemade card" . I was crushed by this comment but now it is a sad joke between me and my husband. Yes, insulting because I didn't go to a store to get a card and underline the "meaningful words" like she does.  So, I keep sending a handmade card, but don't spend much time on it and usually the Mother's day card just says Happy Mother's Day.

If we were friends IRL, I'd want some of your cards. And I'd want you to brand them on the back with a little logo: Cheesy Homemade Cards.


I can see the logo now, with a cute little bucktoothed mouse smiling at you, tail curved around. "CHEESY" in larger font, across the top of a circle around the mouse, "Homemade Cards" curved up around the bottom.

[moglow]

OMG, YES!! Genius, Starboard!

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow, LavenderLime. A handmade card seems infinitely LESS cheesy than anything storebought, in my opinion.

My family is not really into cards, but my PDmil is, and all of her cards are either super religious or give her credit somehow. "I'm proud to call you 'SON.'" etc. Who would even think to write that in a card? It doesn't even sound sentimental to me, just WEIRD.

[Amadahy]

I found one this year that said, "I hope you have a beautiful day" on the front and "Happy Mother's Day" inside.  It was one of those 3D when you open and had lovely flowers and a multitude of colors, very artistically beautiful and I thought the sentiment was as generous as could be.  Nmom is generally oblivious (dementia), but I took it to her care home, helped her open the envelope, and put it within her view on the windowsill.  It's sad in that whole interaction that my happiest take was that the card was lovely and I could give without feeling like it was a lie. 

The original "Mothers' Day," as you know, was built on quite a different premise, one that I can accept.  From Julia Ward Howe:  "Arise, women!" Say firmly: 'We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We, women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country, to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.'"

Not exactly hallmark material, but something I can get behind.    Peace to all on this very, very difficult day.  xoxo 

[Sidney37]

I am so sorry for her hurtful criticism.   You definitely went out of your way to try to get it right.  It's definite her PD and not your lack of trying. 

I'm NC but I remember that trip to the card store to find a card that wasn't filled with things that I didn't feel about my mother was difficult.  Add to it, trying to find a card that wasn't pink!  That would be impossible.

My kids are now teens/almost adults and are dating.  The significant other of one of my children told me on a call this morning that they had made blueberry muffins for their mom and were going to bring me one later today.   There is no way they would know I don't like cooked blueberries.  I responded that I was excited to get the muffin and with a sincere "thank you".  It came so naturally, but immediately I thought of how my PDm (I've been NC for several years) would have reacted.  She would have made some sound indicating how yucky she thought they were and told them not to bother  to bring one because she doesn't like blueberries.  I'm always amazed at how these PDs can be so thankless when people are trying to be kind to them.

I still find it unsettling what can be a trigger of my PDm's verbal abuse.  Something as simple as someone telling me that they are going to bring me a blueberry muffin.  Healing takes a long time, doesn't it?