Week 1 NC - Meh

[foobarred]

Thank you all for your advice and support last week.  First week NC now under my belt.  Wish I knew how I felt.  I've been working on my EIQ for years, and gotten pretty good at playing "Name that Emotion".  But this week I mostly had no clue.  There were some identifiable flashes of grief, occasional awareness of some dull anger.

But mostly I just felt tired.  Like the tiredness you get after the flu, where staying awake is a chore and taking out the trash leaves you exhausted.  Except I haven't had any flu.  I wonder if it's depression, but usually my depression is obvious, with SI and crying and hopelessness.  This is more like a stunned bunny.  Sometimes I wonder if it's adrenaline crash.  I read that the body can get so used to the stress hormones that when the levels drop, you go into withdrawal, basically turning into an unmotivated slug.  No threat? No need for fight / flight / freeze / fawn?  Ok, then, not moving.

Did a good job not thinking about PDMom and keeping her number blocked, and was noticeably happier for it.  But now the Empire has Struck Back.  Mom gets assistance with housekeeping, errands, and stuff at the independent living facility, but just to make sure she was covered, I lined up a home health agency to come 1/wk to help out if needed.

Welp, she fired that nurse after a single visit, and hired *my* caretaker instead.     I'm disabled, and have a lady, R, who comes to help with cooking, housekeeping, etc.  She's a godsend, but she does not "get" PDs.  She thinks that because she loves her children and wants the best for them, all mothers must love their children and want the best for them.  Per psych advice ("get ahead of the narrative"), I explained the NC thing, told her that my relationship with my mother had been having problems lately (ha!), and that I "needed a break".  That I had suggested to Mom we go NC for 3 months, but that she had made it permanent.

R seemed ok with it, which was a huge weight off my mind.  But now Mom has maneuvered her into the perfect flying monkey position, and I don't know what to do about it.  I can't forbid her from working for Mom - who she works for is her own business.  But now she's coming with little messages from Mom, about have I seen her back brace, and here's some of my dishes she wants to return, and here's some keys that she found, what are they for .  All very innocent-sounding, so I can't make a fuss without looking deranged.  But it's forcing her back into my head.

[Miss Kay]

She is your employee and you have made it clear where you stand with your mom.  I think I'd tell her you value your privacy and in no circumstance is she to discuss you with your mom and you do not want to discuss your mom either (unless you have specific things you would want to know about such as being in hospital etc.)  If she can't go by those rules I think I'd be looking for someone else.   

[NarcKiddo]

Oh my. That is an epic PD manoeuvre by your mother.

If R will not respect your wishes on the subject and wishes to continue working for your mother then the only thing you can do is fire her and find someone else, since you can't force your mother to fire her.

Ugh. Poor you.

[moglow]

Wow. If that isn't just the most ... wow. Who'd ever have seen this one coming?! I'd have declined if someone came to me that way, particularly knowing the background. It just wouldn't be something I'd want to be involved in, even on the periphery.

But now she's coming with little messages from Mom, about have I seen her back brace, and here's some of my dishes she wants to return, and here's some keys that she found, what are they for .  All very innocent-sounding, so I can't make a fuss without looking deranged.  But it's forcing her back into my head.

I think I'd have one more conversation with R about this, make it clear that you're on a need to know basis regarding mommie dearest - if it's not emergent or important, you don't need to know. And she most assuredly is not to carry tales to your mother regarding your health and well being either. Pretty sure they're forbidden from sharing client's issues with others, regardless of who those others may be. I realize some mothers can be pushy and intrusive, if she's not just playing the poor victim card to R.

Addressing this directly isn't making a fuss, it's making your wishes clear. R has some decisions to make.

[Cat of the Canals]

Addressing this directly isn't making a fuss, it's making your wishes clear. R has some decisions to make.

Totally agree with this. This is a professional relationship and honestly, you shouldn't even HAVE to make these boundaries clear. It should be obvious. But clearly it needs to be communicated directly.

In my experience, most mature adults are quite capable of hearing and respecting the "please keep your relationship with my and your relationship with this other person separate" boundary. If R is not capable, that's a big red flag.

[foobarred]

Wow, thanks for all your input.  R *did* ask me at the outset whether I would be OK with it if she worked for my mom.  I felt I really couldn't say no.

And mom *has* been playing the poor little old lady card, heavily.   R is compassionate, and was always going to be a sucker for that ploy.

But I think, too, it shows how the enmeshment within my family is reflected in the perceptions of outsiders.  And how blind I've been to it.  Mom and I have been up in each other's bidness for so long, I think other people see us as joined at the hip. Deal with one, deal with the other.  We even have the same names (first, middle, and last), which makes it extra difficult.  Or maybe just extra creepy.

I think it will take a while for external perceptions to match the new internal reality.  Or maybe they never will - maybe this is a sign that I'll eventually need to move, so as not to be forever bracketed with the *other* "Foo B. Arred".

I think I'll talk again with R, and make it plain that I don't want to know about mommie dearest (unless she's going to the hospital or something), and I don't want her to know anything about me.  We'll see how it goes after that.

[feralcat]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you provide instances where you would want to know ( hospital, a fall, emotional crisis whatever) , then that's an invitation for R to push your boundaries on this.
It's also not NC, because R is the gatekeeper, not you.
I'm sure you'll find out from others.

Also, can I ask ...whose idea was it that R might become your mothers carer ? I presume your mothers , as she knows that R was already working for you. I.e. She would have chosen R as a means of getting to you. If R tells her she cant act as an intermediary, a Flying Monkey, then presumably your M will up the anti - to guilt trip her into passing on information. Holiday health crisis , smearing you etc. It will eat her up, being stuck in the middle. And ' loving' of faaaamily.
Someone on here said recently " empathy without boundaries = self destruction".