FIL does not want to attend our wedding!

[Maz]

So, it's been a while since I posted on here but in law stuff has been ongoing for years.

Myself and my partner have set a date for our wedding.

We've be been together years but finally got around to getting married.

My partner invited his Dad to our wedding, they spoke on the phone and his Dad was positive. They had a fall out before Christmas so it was a little frosty from my partners side but still he was invited and he said he would let him know all the details.

A month or so went by and my partner had not had any contact with his Dad, (FIL) so I suggested he give him a call to let him know the details of the day whilst we're still planning it.

Long story short FIL said he doesn't know if he's coming yet. It was awkward and I could see my partner was upset. He gets off the phone and he broke down.

A few days later my partner gets a text saying FIL cannot stand in front of God in a church and support us because he would be a hypocrite.

Again my partner was so upset so he spoke with some family who all said it was disgusting. My partner sent another text telling his Dad saying we have friends and family who are all supporting us and happy to stand in church with us to celebrate our wedding.

FIL responded with this: "Thank you for respecting my decision. I want to give you and X the space you need to have a successful marriage. I wish you both well in the future."

It was something along those lines but can't remember all of it.

My partner sent a text telling his Dad how he felt and that he would not forgive him.

This afternoon FIL calls to chastise parter for daring to speak out. FIL told parter that we should get married overseas because it would be better. That was we don't need any guests.

He said he would speak to partner in a year or two after the wedding and them all get along in the future.

Can anyone help as I feel like I'm going mad?

My previous posts explain some of the back story.

I thought your adult son getting married would be a celebration. I really don't understand.

Any advice would be welcome.

[bloomie]

Maz - this breaks my heart for you and your partner. You will be surrounded by people who love you and know how to celebrate the life you have built together as you take this next important step in your relationship.

Draw close to each other. Continue to talk and work through this, but find some balance in and that as you focus on all that you do have together and how much you are loved by your immediate, trustworthy community.

I know it doesn't 'feel' like it right now, but your sacred vows and your day will be protected from someone who does not mean either of you well. This is not what fatherly love looks like. This says everything about your partner's father and nothing... nothing about the valuable human beings you both are.

Read that again  ⬆

Your partner spoke up for themselves and for you! That takes strength and courage. That is loyalty and commitment.

We do not allow those who would harm our most protected connection in close to our lives. It is good and best he is far from you both from where I sit on this side of the screen.

Process, own your feelings, grieve, and then let it go and have the most wonderful ceremony and continue your good life together!! Hugs to you both!!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Reading through some of your backstory it looks like a pattern with your IL's of discarding your fiancé and then trying to make it look like it's his fault. Or at least that it isn't the IL's who are the problem. Talk to you in a year or two indeed! And all get along in the future! What presumption! Preemptively rug sweeping and trying to make himself look like the good guy here because he's willing to get along in the future. After some predetermined silent treatment so the abuse amnesia can take effect, I suppose.

And then his response to your DH saying he would not be forgiven and that he is very hurt by your FIL: He tells you how you should have your wedding! Just don't have any guests so that it doesn't make him look bad for not being there, is how I read that one. All about him. That is not a caring father.

I agree with Bloomie that his absence is really a gift. He is indeed giving you the space you need to have a successful marriage. It boggles the mind but I think he's telling the truth here, that the best he can do for you is leave you alone.

[feralcat]

 
Take the gift. Please !
If FIL had been going to the wedding, I'm darned sure he would find a way to spoil the day.
Your best 'revenge' is to have a great day, a great life....and that your partner comes Out of the FOG eventually, and retrospectively feels grateful FIL didn't succeed in spreading his toxicity into such a memorable day

Have a fantastic day !

[moglow]

They never cease to amaze, do they? "FIL told parter that we should get married overseas because it would be better. That was we don't need any guests." SERIOUSLY?! That man doesn't have a vote or deserve any input in your wedding, your marriage, your chosen life together - he's made it clear he's not part of it. So be it. Please encourage your partner to find the strength to not respond to future jibes. Honestly, he might want to consider blocking dad's texts altogether. Yes, it's hard coming from a parent, but from one who's been similarly poisoned all her life, y'all deserve so much better.

I know it doesn't 'feel' like it right now, but your sacred vows and your day will be protected from someone who does not mean either of you well. This is not what fatherly love looks like. This says everything about your partner's father and nothing... nothing about the valuable human beings you both are.
Read that again  ⬆

THIS.

[bee well]

Hi Maz,

I've been sitting here shaking my head for a while after I read your post, so please excuse me for being direct. Your FIL sounds like a miserable person. His behaviour is hurtful, and that has nothing to do with you or your future spouse. I hope you will keep a protective barrier of boundaries at all times possibile.

Below are two things that stood out as I read the responses to your post.

From Bloomie:

"I know it doesn't 'feel' like it right now, but your sacred vows and your day will be protected from someone who does not mean either of you well. This is not what fatherly love looks like. This says everything about your partner's father and nothing... nothing about the valuable human beings you both are."

And Call me Cordelia wrote:

"I agree with Bloomie that his absence is really a gift. He is indeed giving you the space you need to have a successful marriage. It boggles the mind but I think he's telling the truth here, that the best he can do for you is leave you alone."

It's incomprehensible that those who would naturally want the best for their children behave so outrageously.  I wouldn't even try to understand the why of it. I spent years doing that to no avail, both with uPD FOO and MIL.

Use that precious time to enjoy the celebration of your love, with folks who appreciate you and share in your happiness.  Breathe and enjoy the fresh air going forward.

My congratulations and all the best to you and your dearest on your special day...