What's your relationship like with your siblings?

[BefuddledClarity]

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Pseudonyms
Eldest brother - Yaw
Older brother - Kwasi
Youngest brother - Kofi
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Hi, just want to give quick background on myself:
I grew up in a dysfunctional family with 2 PDparents and 3 brothers, with me being the only woman amongst men...

Each of my brothers fulfill the following roles:
Golden Child - Yaw
Mascot - Kwasi
Lost Child - Kofi

Whereas I am the definite scapegoat of the family...

Anything that went wrong, my parents would automatically assign the blame to me and punish me. If the milk was left out for example [even though my younger brother was usually the culprit] my parents would yell at me to put it away, if I said I didn't do it, I'll either be accused of lying or told "I don't care! I told you to put it away!" even though my PDfather would be holding it in his hand yelling, right next to the fridge...and I'm in my room...

Anytime I gave my parents "grief", my brothers would look down on me and complain I'm being disobedient and caused my parents to treat me like shit and caused my parents to hit me.

It wasn't until our adult years, they started to realize how messed up our childhood was...

I don't know if I'm lying to myself, but I'm not sure if my brothers are really my best friends as I typically describe them...Everytime I hangout with my brothers, I feel annoyed...We all have the same interests/hobbies but ... As we get older, my perspective on things have changed and now I have lower tolerance for being stepped on. My brothers are people pleasers to others, but can be complete jerks to me in return.

For example, they'll give money to homeless people, or even some friends who are KNOWN to be leaches, but they feel bad for them...

If I ask for money, so I can eat or use it on a bill, I get told "sorry, can't help you." Or "Why can't you get your own money?"

DESPITE THE FACT that I would give them money in a HEARTBEAT regardless on what they need to use it on, once I'm employed. Mind you, I was unemployed for that time, so I reached out and asked for help...

Also, they've failed me on really tough times ... I was in a visit with my son and (stupidly) forgot to pack more juice. It's really hot like a desert here, and it was during one of my supervised visits with son. I called up both Kwasi and Kofi, and asked if they could please drop off some juice, since I'm not allowed to leave my visit to go grab some. They replied with "Sorry, I'm busy eating at a bar, can't do it". I felt frustrated...I hung up the phone and both a single mother nearby and the case aide supervising the visit overheard my conversation and offered water to me to give to my son. I wanted to cry from their kindness.

I'm also tired of the sexists views Kofi & Kwasi have as well. Kofi describes women as "wenches" that you have to try and obtain and Kwasi ALWAYS has to be a macho man about everything, meaning he can't be caught SEEN holding a woman's purse, even if they're asking for help [ex. If a girlfriend needs him to hold it for a minute, he'll refuse because it's "girly", he's also the type that wouldn't help his girl buy tampons/pads, because it's "unmanly"], while Kofi plays dumb "dating games". Kofi mentioned he wants to get a woman dumber than him so he can teach her "life", someone who's really pretty(he doesn't really care about personality...), and clingy to him. He also claims he has ABSOLUTELY no flaws and told me to name one...

I mentioned he can be self-centered and stuck-up, but according to him, those don't count as flaws...

Furthmore, Kofi tries to date woman...or rather girls as young as 16y.o... it's just gross to me, since we're grown, we're adults. 16 is considered a minor here. Kofi has even tried hitting on an older BLOOD COUSIN while drunk, a YOUNGER BLOOD cousin who was 14y.o., and Kwasi and I had to stop him from being disgusting, because he kept asking "How related are we really to this 'cousin'"[he was referring to the 14y.o, and yes, he was aware of the age]. Kofi even mentioned to me, that we'd be "perfect" together, if only we weren't related.  He clearly has issues he needs to work on.


As for Yaw, he lives with our PDmother, so it's hard talking to him. It seems like all he does is parrot back phrases that PDmother has implanted in his head, and he's not allowed to have an opinion. He's scared to upset our parents, and live in the same state as them [both my PDparents are separated, for context ...]. He's actually the nicest one out of them all.

Yaw and I used to be roommates in a snowy state, we come from the "plain" state (home state), and now I live in a hot desert state...

Anyways, he was SO different back then, much freer to be himself. We got along really well, and...I guess the opposite schedules helped too? Once a month, when our schedules would align, we'd go out and hangout. He also understood me whenever I mentioned women issues that I face and didn't invalidate my experiences[Kwasi & Kofi LAUGHED when I said I was scared and getting stalk by a random man down the street and made an insensitive jokes, I ended up crying while Yaw comforted me ...], like the other two siblings... Anyways, we always meal prepped/ate pretty healthy and even shared cooking with one another. But ever since he moved back with PDmother, he changed again...and I grieve the older brother I used to have and could trust. I feel like I can't trust him, and that he relays my info back to PDmother. He has extreme social anxiety, and has a hard time lying. My PDmother has a way of extracting info from him, by guilt-tripping him.

I feel bad for him, but at the same time, his grown and can easily get his own place. Our of ALL of us siblings, he always had money, because he saved, saved, saved. He never uses money on himself, unless it's an ABSOLUTE necessity, like bills or household toiletries, etc. Nothing extra.

Despite some of these bad traits, they do display good traits... Kwasi allows me to live at his place rent-free and his only rules really are 1) Don't mess with his stuff 2) Buy your own crap for the house[ex. Food]. So...In a way...I can't really get mad that he doesn't help with money, because that's his rule. He's helped me before, so I'm guessing he is just burnt out...Whenever we go out though, Kwasi'll pay for Kofi and my food. But that's as far as the buck goes.

I don't know... Maybe there bad traits seem amplified right now, because I'm living at Kwasi's duplex, with Kofi there as well. Kofi never helps around the house and leaves messes...I get tired of calling him out. He'll clean it if I tell him, but he's so damn oblivious all the time and has some gross habits that I won't get into. Kwasi, on the other hand, doesn't like anything that seems "fancy". He still hasn't got the laundromat key for the duplex, and just washes clothes by hand. When I asked for a ride to the laundromat when I didn't have a car, he refused to help everytime...because it's going out of his way.

As I mentioned before, I DON'T care how much money my brothers ask for or WHAT they need, I always try to help and give rides...though to be fair, Kwasi doesn't ask for rides...he's too "manly" and "prideful" to ask for help...

Ug... Sorry... Everytime I try to say something positive, I feel negative towards my brothers. I don't know...I don't know if they have fleas. I don't know if they might be PD...I don't know if I'm overreacting and need to calm down. Kwasi DID save me from my abusive PDex though... Kofi HAS given me money randomly to help me. Yaw ALWAYS tries to be supportive...

I don't know...I just think I need a break from my brothers is all. I don't know how to feel right now with everything else going on in my life. [TLDR; left my abusive PDex and called cops on him, son is in temporary custody PDex's PDfamily, I'm doing court ordered requirements, got an eviction, car was repossessed, left toxic friends/jobs behind, etc etc]


Anyhow...

Anyone else ever felt like this?
Do you feel close yet distant to your siblings?
Are you NC or LC/VLC with any of your siblings?
What's your relationship like with your siblings?

[sunshine702]

There is a lot of triangulation in my family.  It's ridiculous in my opinion.  But everyone dances around my Narc mom and keep in the roles that it is what it is.  Sigh.

There is a type of therapy called family systems where the family is looked at as the full organism it is.  Sounds a lot like what you describe.  Are you guys all happy in the roles or is there tension?

[Aeon]

I have one other sibling -brother that is the GC. Groomed since he was in early grade school to cater to my unNMom.
I used to look upon him as a really nice guy who was just short on words and then as time has gone by I realize that he's a bit more off than that. He is certain of his great brilliance (perhaps he is a N, not sure) on every topic -ex. rewired a bedroom in Moms house that if you plug something in it makes all the lights go out and when I mentioned this event he said flatly that the room is wired perfectly. He invited me and unAvPDH to his house for Christmas one year and said approx. 3 words to us, no emails, no phone calls in addition. I have never felt close but now I am essentially NC. I can come home and get ignored with my H, I don't need the same abuse from my brother.
I'm very sorry that you have to deal with any mistreatment from you siblings. Heaven knows it is bad enough from parents without being able to lean on siblings to compensate.

An aside about the self-centered or stuck up not being a flaw : My PDH told me not long ago that he was 1) a liar 2) a hypocrite and 3) self-centered and has never ceased to demonstrate that he thinks these traits are OK (at least for him). These are not okay things to know about yourself but it seems like the best most of us can do is stay clear of those who think any of those things are good traits.

Seeing the good and bad in others speaks well for you. 

[Pepin]

Our relationship feels superficial at this point due to the past dysfunction.  One sibling struggles while the other has started displaying PD traits.  They are very closed individuals and keep to themselves -- yet are also both highly opinionated as well.  They have always been close to each other but have also had their share of bumps -- which obviously happens in families where there is competitiveness and assigned roles.  I think we are all waiting for NF to pass despite being NC with him.  We might have to clean up his mess and after that I feel that we will all go our separate ways. 

[nanotech]

Since I've stopped over functioning, I don't have a relationship with them any more. It's as simple as that for me. Older Nsister went from frequent phone calls to no phone calls, once I stopped joining in her games of triangulation and gaslighting.  Result? I no longer fear her chaos.
Her ruthless response, and that of my GC Nbrother, has been to try to punish me with perpetual silent treatment.

It helped me see how right I was to place boundaries in the first place.
It helped me realise that I never really had a relationship with them. My over functional behaviour was the only thing that kept it all going.
I have another sister, who is more enabling, but can sometimes act as a flying monkey. I have a little bit of social media contact with her.
But I'm so careful.
Is she friend or foe? 
I really can't tell.

[Jolie40]

2 threads down is my thread "it's over" re one sibling who was always my favorite sibling & who I always helped whenever that sibling needed help

when PD parent fell & ended up in long term care, sibling-in-charge went "wacky" from stress of being in charge & selling house
at first that sibling kept everyone updated but then got angry over group texts & cut all of us out of updates re PD parent

two other siblings who had lived with PD parent their whole lives, had to move out & get apts
they are busy now trying to each live alone for first time in their lives
(one sibling moved out of state, way across country)