Confusing behavior from SIL

[Danie]

I share a cabin with my husband, his brother and his brother's family. I don't think my SIL is happy with this arrangement and she does a lot of things that cause problems! I have a previous long thread about her.

This weekend these in-laws were going to our shared (co-owners) cabin and bringing their new boat! They asked if they were to break down on the way if we could go help them. Our house is on their way to the cabin; they are 5 hours from there. Fortunately, they made it without problems, but I cannot believe, given other circumstances, that they would ask this.

Here is my main question: why would my SIL go out and purchase 2 paddleboards, without telling us, when we purchased 2 last year for everyone! BIL aknowledged it, SIL didn't. There isn't room to store them, they are expensive, we're not there at the same time. It seems like an invalidation of some sort to me. We are supposed to be sharing, not competing or overlapping. SIL keeps saying to me It's a FAMILY cabin. Ok. She has some meaning, she thinks I'm not getting. They have 3 teenagers and we share 50/50 but SIL is very cool and standoffish to us. I keep wondering why be in this if they dislike us.

I'm just curious if anyone has insight into the paddleboard ordeal?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Maybe she is miffed you didn't buy enough for their whole FAMILY to use? Who knows? And a new boat, eh? And yet they anticipated breaking down on the way? It appears your BIL and SIL like to spend more than may be realistic and are more than happy to let you do the unsexy spending like maintenance if I recall correctly. I remember how they couldn't afford to go in on this cabin without resorting to tricking you into signing. I'm amazed you're in it for another summer, frankly, but if you are going to enjoy it at all, maybe your next addition to the house can be a cushion embroidered with, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

[Danie]

Very good insight about buying for their whole family. That sounds a lot like the angle she would take. I want to be prepared in case we have to defend ourselves. I wish she would've said something when I asked BIL if they would like to use them before we bought them last summer.

We are still in this with them. We've done a lot of research about selling it as co-owners, we just haven't pulled the plug. If we sell it to BIL and SIL they will be in serious debt. My H knows this and feels responsible for them in a way. I don't expect you to remember, but they couldn't afford it and a bank gave them a 30 year loan for it without any equity or collateral. Our paid half (co-owners) is their collateral. So if we sell it they will either have to have "no" cabin or convince their bank to give them another loan for our half!

They didn't ask us about using our half for collateral, yes they tricked us. I was really, really shocked when I figured that out! Now I know them better and I see how they are.

Thanks for your answer. I know I'm complaining and not fixing it. I hate being caught up in this negative cycle--life is too short and precious to not be happy.

[Danie]

In thinking more about it, it does seem like SIL would like this to be equal, fair, fulfilling, full of warm fuzzies....like a family should be. That actually explains things quite well. It's a little unrealistic since H & I are not really part of their core family. I wonder if this is her way of making us feel excluded or if she really believes we could fall in line.
What's really a problem is that she doesn't communicate with us. I won't go into detail, but she's very shut down.
I've decided, I'm not going to give it another thought. She can have her unrealistic, nostalgic ideas, but the reality is that we're half owners and I don't plan on leaving easily. We would have to go to probably sell the whole thing and or go to court.
That idea, Cordelia, gives me a baseline from which to work.

[Danie]

Me again! I've gone on quite long with this issue. I apologize for that, and thank you if you respond, but if you don't that is okay. I'm just needing to write again for myself.
Husband and I spent Memorial Day at the shared cabin. We have issues with BIL and SIL whom asked us to share this with them. We were shocked when we got there (they were there first this year) by some changes they made and by her returning hoarding behavior. Basically, she just added a bunch of crap! Everything I've read about sharing a timeshare you should have agreements on decorating as well. A huge cutesy sign (store-bought) in the kitchen "Kitchen Rules", bright red, crammed into a small space where I had a tiny grapevine wreath and removed because it was getting old. Lots of candles. My H cannot do candles-he gets migraines. We've told them. A tacky yard ornament in a prominent location. There's other various items she placed and it's really annoying.
I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to decorate, but I've tried to converse with her about it and she shuts me out. At our fall cabin meeting I asked her about decorating and she just kind of pouted-but didn't speak.
Their 2 paddleboards were there-in the box (?) Once they blow them up, there will be no room for them.

From the cabin I texted SIL and told her I was designating 2 bed pillows as ours.  I wrote our names on the tag and left the pillowcases off. Who shares bed pillows with strangers? Not me. I purchased the majority of the pillows there and have now forfeited them except for the 2.
She texted back a very snotty answer. And that pushed my H over the edge. He didn't react right then, but it was the last straw for him-in his heart. He came out of denial about his brother scamming us into signing his mortgage and securing his loan.
Most notable was the clutter and her hoarding! She had a handle on it after the first couple years and our discussion about it, but it's back. In one of the 2 bedrooms (shared by-the-way) a big huge stack of towels, comforters, blankets, sheets, washcloths etc. Piled high on the dresser. Two large dressers crammed with useless junk! Under the bed - completely packed with unnecessary stuff! Why does she need this at her cabin? It's in our way too. If we want a guest we will have to pack it all up and store it.

While we were there 2 other families invited us over! That made me so happy and it was a sign for me to stick this out. We have no children and I just retired so our long-range plan was to be a part of this community. H and I have talked quite a bit about giving it up, but we have decided to hang in there. I know her issues (they're totally hers) and am going to look the other way. I think some of her behaviors are so obviously from a troubled mind I can work around her. I do love it, and if they want to sit down and discuss things with us we're all ears

[thduda]

Hi Danie,

So sorry you are going through this! It does sound like SIL has a troubled mind.  Good for you for sticking with it since you love the place and the community. It must be very difficult that your attempts to be responsible and mature about shared property is not being met with like-minded behavior.

Hang in there!

[Danie]

Thank you JDCooper.
I'm trying to wrap my ahead around the sharing issue. In my mind, sharing a space (cabin) aren't certain things obvious to everyone? For example, the hoarding of stuff. I am not exaggerating when I said she has 2 large dressers full of useless stuff. And under the bed; stuff I can't identify. Those plastic zip containers you purchase linens in, re-used and full of mismatched stuff. Broken toy parts, a sock, part of a fishing pole, etc. etc.
None of it is stuff you need on vacation. There was a box on their dresser with about 10 hats in it. I don't even own 10 hats, neither does my husband. You can't wear 10 hats. If you want to collect hats --do that at home.
We discussed the hoarding issue the first year there and she got better. Now it's back. 

[Danie]

So frustrating, SIL is moving and replacing major things in shared space without consulting us. Even though we had an agreement to talk about it. SIL is unable to share. BIL looks the other way. They are stonewalling us. My H and BIL love each other and generally get along.

My H says she is just trying to make things look better to her. I think she knows she trying to mark her territory. I've never known her to even communicate about anything with this cabin. She doesn't show up to meetings; the one time she did she controlled it by pouting, acting mad, not speaking etc. There was no back and forth.

I feel like decorating the place oddities, to make my point, and not say anything to them. I just want to end this thing with them so bad. 

[Danie]

Things have taken and even uglier turn. Communication has almost completely broken down. I tried to talk to SIL about cabin stuff; never had a conversation with her in 14 years. All I have gotten was short rude answers like "sounds good" or her totally ignoring me. She also over reacted when I asked her about more cluttery things she has added. I got angry and confronted her about not communicating. She was really defensive and asked me what she was supposed to say. She said she is "busy raising 3 children".
I asked her if they were going to let their kids use the cabin since they are getting older. Again she got really defensive and the answer was yes. Then she very sarcastically said, "don't worry our kids are nice and won't reck your investment". She has some trouble spelling. I simply thanked her for her answer, I finally got something out of her. I guess she can talk!
This is not the first time they've used the investment dig. It's a cheap shot, saying we're worried their kids are going to cause damage. We have never said anything like that. I told her she made that whole thing up in her head and that it was really offensive to me. I reminded her that by being her co-signer on their mortgage that enabled them to become owners. She said she didn't want to speak to me anymore and that she was, stand back, pissed! Oh no.
I called her a snob. I think it is fitting. I don't want to speak to her either. There's actually no need to. I suggested we all have better boundaries. And I realized we just share a vacation property and trying to be family is just too enmeshed. She said she wanted us to get to know their kids. I'm not sure if that's flattering or not. They're trying to force a family scenario. She commented accusingly that that wasn't working. So they had us pegged for financial support and babysitters?
These 2 narcissists keep making cracks at us about money ---they are resentful and jealous of our financial situation. We don't do anything to expose that we're doing well right now. I think BIL has ways of knowing. The old cliche, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" is so fitting here. I really am done talking to them, for good. H can handle affairs.

[Danie]

Setting boundaries can be frightening and difficult, but I did just that and I am glad and there's no turning back. I made it clear to my BIL and SIL that since they have continued to ignore and mistreat me, around the shared cabin, that I no longer am a part of it. They cannot afford even their half and need us to pay for half of things so they can keep it. That's what we do, and more, and I just get treated like I'm insignificant and in the way, but my H continues to fix everything and pay for a lot! I even took the shared items I purchased out of the cabin yesterday.

I tried to get my H to be on board, with me, so we can move on, but he isn't. I always suspected he would might pick his brother and his family (3 kids) over me and if he does so be it. It will be messy, but I feel so much better and free!

I made my position very clear and tried to fix things, but BIL and SIL weren't having it. My husband's family has some issues.....not my circus though. It does hurt and confuse me why my H is so attached to his younger brother and feels so codependent on him. My H gets something out of it and even uses B for emotional support, which I suspect isn't ideal. BIL has clearly gotten in between my H and I and caused a lot of problems, possibly divorce. I tried to get everyone to understand we need boundaries and even described a few: leave personal issues out of cabin-business, only discuss cabin-business as a foursome, etc., but nobody would even respond. I think BIL is a bully, so does my H. He is a really big guy and probably an alcoholic. I know my H cares for him, but they're a mess and confused right  now.
So they want, and got, ownership of a cabin by using us. Pretty slick. They need my H to keep fixing and maintaining it so it doesn't literally collapse, which I suspect it could.

The value has doubled and I am entitled to 25% the value of the place, but I suspect I will somehow be screwed out of that too. I am bracing myself for another gut-punch. Meanwhile, I am trying to start fresh with new adventures and ideas and positive things because there are so many in this world.

[blacksheep7]

Wow Danie, all this is certainly exhausting.  Good for you, putting up boundaries against all the odds/family. 

You will no longer put up with this abuse. Being nice, helpful is taken for granted.  People put up with lots of crap in order to avoid family wars but in the long run, there is a limit to what is acceptable to each and everyone.

Sorry that it has created problems with your Dh.  I hope DH will see your side of things . It was bound to happen reading your posts.

I wish you strength and peace.

[JenniferSmith]

Just guessing, but maybe there is an element of them not feeling like financial equals that has caused hurt feelings lurking under all of this.  Maybe they feel some sort of shame or humiliation about it.   If that is the lens through which your actions get filtered, it might explain why you are getting the types of responses you do.

[Danie]

Jennifer, thanks for your response. That certainly gives me something to think about. I think BIL and SIL do live on the edge financially. They weren't able to afford a cabin without a co-signer and they had nobody, but us, but they never asked us. They only re-worded the deal to make it sound like our signature was needed only because we were tenants-in-common. I thought that was so dishonest, but my husband does not feel as bad even though he didn't understand it either.
BIL has a habit of leveraging deals for himself off of other people. My mother in law (BIL's) mom used to complain to me that he wasn't paying his own bills. So that's the money part.
SIL is from a poor background. It's very true they do things on the cheap. I've never been unkind, to my knowledge. I have put nice things in the cabin that they couldn't afford, but I thought they would enjoy it and not see it as an insult.
Is that why SIL won't talk to me (never in 14 years) about the cabin? She feels inferior?

[Danie]

I know my response sounds insensitive. I don't know how to react to them. If they are in their shame about money, what do I do? Should I not purchase nice things for the cabin? I really don't know.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You say you are done with them and the cabin, and for very good reason. Your SIL's hidden feelings are not your problem, and not your business if she hasn't shared with you. She certainly haven't shown any consideration for your feelings! You don't have to do anything to help her, and frankly the relationship is so bad I don't think you could help if you wanted to.

If they are feeling shame about money, that's too bad but also not your problem. Remember the Three C's: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

Another thought: If you see a truck careening toward you, you get out of the way. You don't stop to consider whether the driver is having a heart attack or is homicidal.

[Danie]

Cordelia....I get it.

My husband doesn't stand up for me. We are not a united front. Ten years ago, when I was I was in therapy, my therapist said, "He wants him to be his maintenance man and financial support". Speaking about BIL.

BIL has never been nice to me. I've wanted to get out of this, but it will mean a split with my husband because he will choose them and that situation over me.

[moglow]

My husband doesn't stand up for me. We are not a united front.  ... I've wanted to get out of this, but it will mean a split with my husband because he will choose them and that situation over me.

Dysfunctional and frustrating as this whole situation came together with their backhanded signing of deed etc, this part hurts me for you, Danie. This is your husband, the partner you chose and who chose you. Y'ALL may need a Come to Jesus meeting, just the two of you.

[Danie]

Danie here with an update on sharing a cabin with BIL and SIL and their 3 kids.

First of all, my BIL finally paid off his mortgage to the cabin that had our names on it. He lied again, he said he paid it off in July. When I checked with the registrar of deeds I found out he paid it off Nov. 7. At least it's paid off! My H didn't like that he lied to us again, so when we get a copy of the satisfaction of mortgage (dated Nov. 7) that I had to track down, my H is going to send him a copy; his way of saying "I know you lied to me again".

SIL invited only H to Christmas---I was NOT invited. I stated I was willing to put our disagreements on the back-burner and do something fun for their kids. SIL said no.

She has no grounds to be mad! We don't even know what her reasoning is. We're the ones with the complaint. It's too complicated unless you've read my whole thread.

H and I talked bout about how we think she's now using their kids as pawns. My H is close to his nephew and nieces and BIL wants H in their lives. H wasn't going to go, and this might sound twisted, but what we decided was for him to go (the Monday after Christmas) and connect with the 3 kids, talk directly to them. Not about problems, but strengthen his relationship with them and overtly plant doubt in their minds about what SIL might be saying about us. It's not that important to us, having a relationship with them, but we like the idea of trying a little damage control.

I had a hip replacement 3 weeks and am still recovering so that's our explanation to the kids. Usually, for several years we did something really, really fun! I'm sure the kids looked forward to it. Now SIL put an end to it. I think that's kind of depriving them, they don't have a lot of family and their holidays are pretty isolated at home with no relatives.

Anyway, that's our strategy. And H and I have brought up selling the cabin to SIL and BIL. It's no secret that we are really considering it. SIL and BIL do not have the money to buy us out even though they have "threatened" to do that. I re-read an e-mail from 2015, from BIL, that said he would buy us out for the original price. In other words he thinks we would give up the profit. The value of the property has doubled since we've owned it. What! That's crazy. I warned H that's our next hurdle. BIL will try and low-ball us.

They cannot afford it on their own, they need to share expenses. Unless they have another plan, they will have to sell it too.

There's no way I would cut them a deal. How some people can be so narcissistic is unbelievable.

[Danie]

Is this grounds for divorce from my husband? Unfortunately, I'm still wrapped up in this mess and it's been 15 years, but not all of them have been bad years. My husband wants to stay in this arrangement with his brother and his brother's family --even though they don't include me and treat me poorly.

It's summer 2023 cabin season and we have gone there 3 times so far. I kind of have a panic attack when I arrive. Last week I almost turned around and went home right when I got there. My husband had been there for a few days by himself doing work on the cabin.

In my previous post I mentioned my SIL went out and bought 2 paddleboards right after I did; I actually checked with them, to see if they would use them, before I bought them and got a wishy-washy answer. SIL's paddle boards are still in a box in our storage space. They over-wintered twice. BIL admitted to my husband that she said. "I'm not using their paddleboards". BIL also said she has a very resentful personality.

My husband refuses to resolve this one way or another. He just keeps putting off a resolution. I understand if he wants to have a relationship with his brother and nieces and nephew, I do too and am totally in favor of it, but SIL has created some kind of dynamic where I'm not part of "their family" so my husband kind of lingers in the middle of BIL/SIL and me.
I haven't done anything wrong. As a matter of fact, I've been too nice and gracious, in my opinion.

I inherited some money from a relative that passed in January in I could use this as a way out of this mess. My options are: ask BIL to buy us out. Buy BIL out. Walk away. Force a sale. Try to get everyone to go to a professional mediator.

Each one of these options has variables that are really difficult and even if I pick one it will be met with a lot of resistance. My husband ultimately wants to stay in this and is picking his connection to his brother and brother's family over me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think you could opt out of the cabin before opting out of the whole marriage, personally. I completely understand your frustration and hurt, but as long as you're helping it work for your DH to stay in between, he evidently will. Are you afraid if forced to choose, he won't choose you? Where is the fear/obligation/guilt in this scenario for you?