Going NC slowly or rip off bandaid?

[fogclear]

I have slowly been decreasing my interactions with the FMs in my family and I am Down to only texts on birthdays to my siblings.

The distance has turned into a behavioural unlearning of sorts.

Denial of how I was scapegoated is no longer a luxury I afford myself to avoid dealing with the painful emotions involved from knowing other people decided I
should be targeted for no logical reason at all.

I created a space around me to actually just come to terms with the reality of the role and story my family created to fill their own holes and deny shortcomings and face their own issues directly to heal.

I am the scapegoat they lash out at, the excuse to gather FMs around themselves to fill an emotional void and feel small moments of superiority in comparison to me when ever my application of self resulted in self-created gross personal injury to them.

My whole family experience can be summarized as DARVO whenever I attempted to subtlety and kindly set boundaries. The boundary in and of itself was such a slight that they denied my right to boundaries citing that I hadn't earned my autonomy, while FMs were responsively rolling their eyes and even going to the extreme of falsely narrating my boundary setting as volatile, uncalled for and indicative of me having a PD.

I know that all of the above is no longer worth fighting  to be a part of  but I  would like to know what advice others have been given for NC to see if it would be a better fit for me than going NC slowly.I do this  to avoid a giant blow out of a repeated abuse cycle filled with FMs again.

I thought slow might result in less volatility, but wonder if it is just dragging out the pain into smaller increments. I don't know which is healthier and still struggle with internalized feelings of holding no value to people I put so much effort into and gave so many pieces  of myself to.

Advice on whether to rip off the bandaid facet or slow is greatly appreciated.







Slow or fast NC and why?

That's it on that front,

[moglow]

Seems to me you're already on a line of slow NC, gradually decreasing interaction with them and their stuff. I don't know that there's a thing as "fast" NC - I can see where it may seem abrupt on the surface, but it usually takes a lot to get you/us to that point, where we can't see any way forward with them. Sometimes there's a big ugly event that removes all doubt, and cements that decision in your mind where there's just no turning back.

I do this  to avoid a giant blow out of a repeated abuse cycle filled with FMs again.

But will it, if you simply remove yourself and go full NC? I think any time we upset the status quo -THEIR status quo- where you're stepping outside your assigned role, there's going to be blow back of some kind or another. BUT if you've chosen no contact, it's yours to manage. You can block whoever wherever you wish, explain or not. Know that every question you answer would only likely raise more questions and those answers raise still other questions - or not.

What we often forget is that our boundaries are ours, not there for others to agree or not. When we set boundaries, part of the process is deciding how we respect and protect them. They're not punishment for/against others, but protection for ourselves. I wouldn't go into explanations over my boundaries - I've been learning to simply live them instead. They can wonder or adapt, but no one owes another an explanation how they choose to live their life.

One thing I would be sure of is that I neither owe nor are dependent on them/family for funding. Remove yourself from joint accounts and/or set up new accounts in your name only. Don't leave something like that dangling over your head any longer than you have to. If you choose NC, make it part of your plan to pay them back every dime owed as soon as humanly.

[fogclear]

Thank you for your thoughts. I often revert to the trained in concept of owing to the DARVOs  whatever will please them, over honouring self.

Their lack of acceptance of my boundary setting is what got us into this mess and now it is only about protection to move on with less strain and overcome the trauma.

It has been 5 years and I am still hearing rumours and facing fall-out through their FMs and wonder if fast-tracking to cold-turkey NC for the last 3 FMs might also fast-track the resulting fall-out. I just don't want to be dealing with continued attacks 5-10 years from now.

[moglow]

You may be able gently shut down flying monkeys but it takes some persistence. Redirect conversations and don't share too much personal info unless/until there's trust established. If you're not a good source, it defeats the purpose of a true FM.

Some truly aren't aware they're being used, and with them a few pointed questions or comments like "I'm not sure i understand what youre asking?" or "I'd rather not gossip about mom/sis/others" followed by cheerful subject change can help immensely. If they persist, "honestly i cant answer that for you. You'd need to ask them."


Non committal,, even disinterested answers work too. Gray rock the hell out of q&a sessions and stay off those subjects yourself. Basically don't ask don't tell when it comes to people you don't want in your business.

[fogclear]

Thanks, I have found the grey rock technique and used the broken record response approach successfully in the past with the aggressors themselves-but it did make them up the their efforts to target me.

I have been less effective with the first 2 suggestions because of my own desire to connect with them on a level of authentic and genuine care. I am starving for good relationships with others because of all those that were lost and or markedly changed.

I don't want to become NC with the FMs in part because some of them are victims too and I think the first 2 suggestions are going to be helpful in protecting myself and not losing them altogether.

Thank you

[sandpiper]

Honestly, both have their benefits and their pitfalls.
I think the best way to deal with them is geographic & emotional distance, and it is better if you also distance yourself from any flying monkeys.
Early in the piece my trauma counsellor encouraged me to slip away unnoticed and just to be very, very dull when I did have to show up at some sort of family obligation. It didn't stop the smear campaigns or their attempts to undermine any and every relationship that they could but it did buy me some peace.
One counsellor that I saw told me that she'd moved to the opposite side of the planet to get away from her family and she said that while under ordinary circumstances she would never advise anyone on a particular action, after listening to enough of my stories she wanted me to know that this was how she'd coped and it was the best thing she'd ever done.
It's tough.
There's no right way to deal with it, there's only what is right for you and what works for you.
If you need to take a break from them, just take it.
It's a mistake to tell them why or to expect them to have any capacity to change. Recovery is about us changing how we live our lives so that the abusers can't take our time and our energy.
Don't expect suddenly going into NC to solve it, though.
Most of us have found that this usually kick starts a fresh load of drama, smear campaigns & aerial assaults by flying monkeys throwing poop.
Sometimes the best way to deal with it is just by slipping away quietly, being very uninteresting to them when it is necessary to have contact, and finding ways to cut off their access to you.
I got really, really sick of interactions with my mother's family where they'd start off by telling me whatever they'd heard about me from a mutual contact. They had no interest in cultivating a relationship with me but they had plenty of interest in talking about me behind my back with old friends from school.
In the end I realised this was just one of those 'we have power over you' type games where they knew that if I displeased them, they could find a way to sabotage my friendships.
It hurt, but I stepped back from a few of those and I decided it was better to develop friendships with people who weren't going to whittle away their free time passing on ammunition to PD FOO. It's not about eliminating the flying monkeys from your life - it's about developing healthier relationships and 'quarantining' the new friendships so that FOO & flying monkeys have no idea who they are and they can't be recruited into your family's abuse of you.
Hope that helps.