Respecting space

[AlisonWonder]

Hi Everyone

Recently BeautifulCrazy said this in response to one of my posts:
"Keeping your message to the BIFF guidelines respects his space. A declaration that you are doing so, does not." 
I can see the truth of this, I was very struck in fact, but I wonder, can anyone enlarge on this?   I couldn't explain it to someone else even
though I agree.  This kind of "declaration that you are doing so" has riled me before, too. 

My issue is 3 estranged or alienated adult children and respecting space is very important both ways.

Thank you for reading

[bloomie]

Hi AlisonWonder - I went back and read the thread to get the context for this comment you are wondering about.

If I understand correctly you are trying to find a way to communicate your new address with your adult son with whom you have a narrow avenue of communication and who has put very strict restraints on how/when/if you may contact them. The most important way I know of to show value and respect is by doing so - by interacting in respectful and honorable ways.

In a relationship that is surrounded by a lot of unresolved pain communicating the information of your move to your son simply, without a great deal of over explanation or careful couching of the words and declaring your intention to respect their space, shows respect for them and yourself.

Leaving how and if they respond to your brief, informational, and friendly statement of how they can find you is also respecting their position. Treating them like a grown adult who can work through their own side of the street in their own time and way is healthy from where I sit and from what I know of the situation.

[AlisonWonder]

Bloomie thank you, I like that.  Be friendly, but don't walk on eggshells?

It seems counterintuitive that saying "I am respecting you" is not respectful, but when you really respect someone, you don't say that,
Just as, if you really don't trust someone, you won't want to tell them that.  But people often do.

[bloomie]

Bloomie thank you, I like that.  Be friendly, but don't walk on eggshells?

It seems counterintuitive that saying "I am respecting you" is not respectful, but when you really respect someone, you don't say that,
Just as, if you really don't trust someone, you won't want to tell them that.  But people often do.

I know, right? It does seem counterintuitive on the surface, but in a relationship with such unresolved issues someone telling me what they are doing, or to put it another way declaring 'how it is' could imply how I should be experiencing them or their actions. I hope that makes sense?

I have someone in my life who has hurt me a lot and who tip toes around and couches so much of our interactions with what he is trying to do or how respectful he is being or tells me how I might be feeling or how I should be seeing things. It is nearly impossible at times to find a natural rhythm to our back and forth messages. And without realizing it, the walking on eggshells and overthinking and over communicating is experienced by me as controlling and declarative.

Coming from a foundation of confidence that you are unemotionally, unapologetically passing along your new address keeps it nice and simple and clean.

[AlisonWonder]

Bloomie thank you, I like that.  Be friendly, but don't walk on eggshells?

It seems counterintuitive that saying "I am respecting you" is not respectful, but when you really respect someone, you don't say that,
Just as, if you really don't trust someone, you won't want to tell them that.  But people often do.

I know, right? It does seem counterintuitive on the surface, but in a relationship with such unresolved issues someone telling me what they are doing, or to put it another way declaring 'how it is' could imply how I should be experiencing them or their actions. I hope that makes sense?

I have someone in my life who has hurt me a lot and who tip toes around and couches so much of our interactions with what he is trying to do or how respectful he is being or tells me how I might be feeling or how I should be seeing things. It is nearly impossible at times to find a natural rhythm to our back and forth messages. And without realizing it, the walking on eggshells and overthinking and over communicating is experienced by me as controlling and declarative.

Coming from a foundation of confidence that you are unemotionally, unapologetically passing along your new address keeps it nice and simple and clean.

I appreciate your example from real life here bloomie,  anecdotes help me so much more.  Reading it through again, the words "heavy handed" come to mind, and yes it does seem manipulative now you say it like that.  You are telling them what you want them to notice.

"I'm sorry I didn't" is also going to be more acceptable than "See how I am doing this" - but if it's repeated, then it seems to become manipulative as well.

I'm going to have to stop walking on eggshells with my son, and that's going to be a challenge as it's second nature after my FOO.  I was always either doing that, or just blurting.

Thank you, it was exactly the answer I needed.