Brother and Dad Visit From Out of State

[BuzzyBee]

  So it's been since Thursday they've come into town.... and I just feel so sad after being around them.... My dad and mom have favored my younger brother for practically my whole life. My dad had ruined his life, tried to ruin mine, and is actively ruining my brother's. Despite all of my family's awfulness, I try to be kind to them. I went to my mom's to meet them Thursday night,  took off work to spend the day Friday with them, and finally they came to see my house after 4 years of living here on Saturday. Everything seemed ok, up to the point of them coming over. We were all playing a video game together, my brother and DH both enjoy. Well my brother had been super competitive against DH, since he was losing he was announcing it, he would help me win to make DH lose. I wasn't really meaning any harm, but played into it because my husband  is hard to beat so thought we could possibly pull it off. Well, DH started getting upset, he felt we were all ganging up on him so he left the game towards the end. He went to another room, and we tried to call him back but he just didn't want to play anymore. This caused some awkwardness... I was then upset because I felt like DH was maybe a bit childish and we were going to end up on their crap list or be the reason they never want to come back... We were about to go out to eat, so I said to DH please apologize to them, even my brother who is hard headed apologized... DH refused and we argued enough where they could hear. My brother then said he and dad were just going to leave and just forget about lunch,  he didn't want to cause us to argue. I asked him not to leave, then they said maybe me and them could just go to lunch.  I was ok with it, but DH insisted on going with us and bringing the kids along, to which I said please just apologize to smooth this over if he was going to go, just to save face.. he did. We went and nothing was brought up about the tiff, we got along and DH paid for their dinner. We offered to take them to a shop nearby which my brother wanted to go to, but my dad made some excuse to leave and they went home. My mom asked me that evening if I wanted to go with her and my brother today to spend their last day together, but my brother said he just wanted to see mom alone. I offered to take my dad out to lunch since my mom and brother were going off somewhere, and he said he would. I call today to see the plan, and my brother says if your DH is going dad probably doesn't want to go... I call my dad an hour before lunch time and he says he didn't want to go, he was tired and had a bad night's sleep... I did let my mom and brother know it was DH's birthday and we were going to have dinner out with his family and they were all welcome to come. They declined to go... All weekend they heard it was his birthday but didn't really care much. They seem to dislike him, and even though my mom lives here, she never wants to celebrate his birthday but expects us to cater to her in laws and family. It just irks me that they come in to town to act like this, my dad lives with my brother but can't stand to leave his sight. If anyone does 1 thing they think is "out of line" they are unforgiving, but they can be as rude as they want.... Just the double standards, its like they're twice as hard on me than they are anyone. My brother hasn't been around for years and talks badly about mom and her family, but if hes in town its like drop everything he's here. Even though I've been forgiving of how awful they've been, its like they try to make me the bad guy. All they talked about is my teenage years, how bad I was, from like 18 years ago, even though they abused me and singled me out. Even though I have a good job, a house, good children and a good husband.  Its not good enough, I must endure hearing all my sins, while they judge me so harshly and cut me off. I'm glad they're leaving tomorrow. I tried because my dad is old, and I don't see them often. But its still the same feelings the old days, if not worse... I could go on... but I'll just leave this for now. There's nothing I can do to change them. Guess each time I just hope for the best.

[bloomie]

BuzzyBee - it sounds like disappointment with the visit with your brother and dad. It's hard to know what your DH might been feeling and responding to when he was upset over the game, but my guess is it was about more than a game.

It doesn't seem like your FOO build you up and are able to celebrate you and your life, but are caught in the same old patterns with each other.

I did let my mom and brother know it was DH's birthday and we were going to have dinner out with his family and they were all welcome to come. They declined to go... All weekend they heard it was his birthday but didn't really care much.

It took me awhile, but I finally learned that these moments - when family members declined to join a celebration - were a gift. It is an absence of angst when those who have shown you they are not invested in your family members decline to join you. I hope your time with your DH and his family was not too overshadowed by your FOO's choices.

[BuzzyBee]

Bloomie, it was disappointing that my brother and dad pretty much cut me off their last day in town. No calls, texts besides when I contacted them, and they didn't want to do anything else together.. It hurt, but what can I do.. None of my FOO came to DH's dinner, which I expected, but I did make the best of it and had a good time with DH's family. Also I didnt put in my post that my brother and dad are extremely paranoid. It took a long list of desires and practically bribery from my mom to get them to come down here, and they're very skittish.  The slightest thing could set them off and possibly make them go home, they even threatened it before coming down here. They specifically requested my mom not to throw a party, or invite most of the family over because they don't like them... So my intention of asking DH to apologize was really trying to not run them out of town and upset NPD mom. I would've really felt bad for her, and never heard the end of it. I probably still won't, I'm sure they've made DH sound horrible about the whole incident. But I do understand his side, and told him I'm sorry that happened and I'm on his side, just trying to keep the peace. Its a long story, but my brother ran off to another state, and my mom has missed him, he never visits (he hates the city, and moms PD family, and just people in general, I think he's def social anxiety type) So for him to even come was almost miraculous. But I'll leave him be, in his small town with PD dad, who manipulates and isolates him.  He won't listen to me, and has his own NPD tendencies. Dad will own his life until he passes away unfortunately. My brother doesn't like anyone, including his own family. He hasn't had a job in years, which I believe is my dad's fault. They live off his retirement and he tells my brother the world is ending, and my brother listens to him. It's a sad situation, which I've tried to speak some reality into, but nonetheless he won't listen.

[nanotech]

BuzzyBee - it sounds like disappointment with the visit with your brother and dad. It's hard to know what your DH might been feeling and responding to when he was upset over the game, but my guess is it was about more than a game.

It doesn't seem like your FOO build you up and are able to celebrate you and your life, but are caught in the same old patterns with each other.

I did let my mom and brother know it was DH's birthday and we were going to have dinner out with his family and they were all welcome to come. They declined to go... All weekend they heard it was his birthday but didn't really care much.

It took me awhile, but I finally learned that these moments - when family members declined to join a celebration - were a gift. It is an absence of angst when those who have shown you they are not invested in your family members decline to join you. I hope your time with your DH and his family was not too overshadowed by your FOO's choices.

https://live.staticflickr.com/5556/30943650082_7918b709bd_b.jpg
I love this poem.
I agree with Bloomie. It may be a ' box of darkness' but it is a gift. It's hard to accept at first, but  it is. It tells you who they are, and we need to start believing them. I always hoped against hope that they would change. There are several PDs in my family. They do all this kind of stuff.  They liked to 'hunt in packs' too. Sometimes  it was me they targeted, or sometimes my husband or my son. ( which was also of course, a way of targeting me).
When I read that your husband paid for their meal after having been basically abused by them, wow, that's happened with my husband too. 
Then the shunning of his special day and his family, after having taken his money? yup that's been done too several times.

We no longer go for meals with them. Whoop whoop!

It's tricky for you, as  your mum lives with you. But remember that her view is just that, an opinion. She either doesn't  see it, or she doesn't choose to see it. You are not responsible for smoothing over these relationships for her.
The criticism of you in your teenage years? YUP, I have had that for years. No mention ever, of any successes I've had. This used to make me feel really terrible. It was repeated at every family party, often in the form of a 'comedy' speech.
It took therapy to point out to me that I've actually made a good life for myself.
I'm VVLC with PD dad and NCwith siblings now.  I'm all the happier for it as they don't get to abuse me.  They are still not thrilled about it and try to draw me back in, but I use the toolbox on here to keep them out of my life. They try to use the silent treatment then try to find out personal stuff through my dad. I just do Grey Rock, Medium Chill, Broken Record, with no JADEing. It works. There's nothing they can do about it.
Take care and sending my best thoughts to you.