Thinking of moving away

[Adria]

We moved to the same town to be by my daughter, her husband and grandkids.  My daughter has been very rude and sending mixed messages to me.  Then when I pull away to give her space she freaks out.  I don't know what is going on.

Today, I spoke with daughter, and she basically told me she blames me for everything wrong in her life.  I understand how she could feel that way because I was the only one that stayed around for my children.  Her dad hasn't been in her life, my parents were horrible to us and not in our lives anymore. So, I guess I'm the only one she can take her frustrations out on.  I've asked her if I've done anything I need to apologize for and she says she doesn't know. So I did a couple blanket apologies for anything I might have done mothering her that could have hurt her.  She says she can't accept my apologies. They won't do any good.

I am very sad. 

My parent's stole our home, tried to buy my kids away from me, took all my extended family away from me, etc.  I've never done anything to my daughter to deserve her treatment.  My ex-mil basically replaced me with herself as my daughter's mother as my daughter has lived by her for the last 15 years, but this even started when my daughter was young.  I have been up against horrific battles with people coming after my kids. (Long stories written in past posts.)  I've worked so hard trying to keep me and my kids together, but I fear there has been far more damage done by my family and ex dh's mother than I could have ver realized until moving close by.

Anyway, my heart is broken. I'm always trying to make my daughter happy by buying her things, babysitting, etc.  Nothing I do ever gets a thank you.

I came home today and told dh what my daughter said to me, and he was flabbergasted.  He said, at the end of the year he will sell our house and move back to where we lived previously to get some peace back in our lives.

My health isn't good and I wanted to spend my last years near family.  I guess it isn't meant to be.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry. Big hug. Even if your mothering was lacking and your daughter had a difficult childhood, she is an adult now and has been for a while. She is a mother herself. For every choice she has made since she left home and started her own life, she is responsible. Not you. She can decide to heal and take responsibility for her choices and actions or she can blame others, in particular you, for what is wrong in her life, making her resentful.

You have chosen to heal from your wounds and to work on yourself. Who you are now is the person to connect with. You are trying but you can only go half way. The rest is up to her.

[Boat Babe]

That's heartbreaking Adria, I'm so sorry sweetheart. I hope you can find some peace with this. I also hope your daughter comes to her senses. Huge hugs my dear.

[Pepin]

That's heartbreaking Adria, I'm so sorry sweetheart. I hope you can find some peace with this. I also hope your daughter comes to her senses. Huge hugs my dear.

I also agree and came to say the same.  You've genuinely tried to make amends and there isn't anything else beyond that.  As a parent, I completely understand how painful this situation is.  You deserve to be your own priority going forward and your husband has the right idea.   

[Adria]

Thank you everyone.

I'm totally stymied. I feel this is the way she treats her husband and kids too, only now dh and I are close enough to get sucked into the drama full time.  Now she is sending me texts that she is sorry and that she loves me, but each time I cave in, it's just a matter of time before it starts all over again. 
I'm starting to wonder if maybe she has bi-polar or something as things seem to be spiraling more and more out of control lately.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening, Adria. From your descriptions of your daughter's behavior, it does seem as though she might have a mental illness or a personality disorder. Either is a lot to deal with, for her and for you.

[blacksheep7]

Adria, I am so sorry this is happening to you and it is very hurtful and exhausting indeed. You have been dealing with this for a while (your previous posts).

NRITH gave you a correct and truthful response.  I second it.

You are not appreciated for who you are and what you do in this relationship. You are an emotional garbage can for her.  You had a hard life and I'm sorry for that also. I'm sure you did the best you could with what you had.

I have no relationship with my dd, vvvlc. Quite the opposite from you, she avoids me at all costs.  I stopped calling or writing to her thinking that it might improve a dd and M relationship.  NOTHING.
It took me years to finally accept who she is, no interest in me or my life, dismissive, no emotional connection towards me. I would ask her to go shopping or to the movies, always an excuse. Could never hug me and believe me I've tried, I was never mean with her. Was passive-aggressive with me, jabs below the belt and no empathy.Covert narc traits.   Made comments about me leaving her father (the narcissist)  that I divorced when she was six  ran to him at 20 yrs old  when things weren't going well with us. She was never willing to talk things out when necessary.I was in T at the time and she told me that she would never go to T.
Fast forward.
I gave her a special bday present for her 40th birthday and all I got was a thank you with a half smile, not even a kiss.  She would politely  kiss me on both cheeks before Covid, now it is the norm, her real persona.
I've tried talking with her, asking her if there was anything I did, nothing.  She only calls when she needs me for babysitting.  I don't refuse because I want to keep the good relationship that I have with my gkids whom I love.  I Finally made peace with who she is after many years of trying, much heartache, crying, etc...  Asking myself, what did I do wrong.   My dd is filled with repressed wounds.  I know that she blames me for the divorce since I was the one who wanted out and also the fact that my son went to live with his father.  The sibs were together on weekends. It was the best thing at the time.  I discussed this with her and made my mea culpa for the hurt it caused her.  It didn't change anything. 

You will have to build boundaries because she will continue to tire you which is not  healthy.  Yes, it does sound like she has a personality disorder.  You can not save her, unfortunately.  She has to do the work.

Take care of yourself, first.

[moglow]

She may be sorry and she may love you as she understands love to be or what lessons she learned from her grandmother. Some people are just broken and not able to see their own stuff. I guess it's something that she actually apologies, but if it's just words with one after another performance of the same, it would feel like manipulation to me. Poor impulse control is not other people's fault - we're all responsible for our own behavior and treatment of others. Family or no, you don't have to sit there in that.

I have a similar but not situation - my mother claimed to move back to hometown after stepfather passed, to be near family as she said.  [She literally moved back there after all of us/her children had moved away,] Only she wanted nothing to do with us, didn't visit, didn't call, rarely returned calls. She's been retired for years and no known hobbies or interests, just sat/sits there in her house and complains when anyone calls or visits, complains when they don't. Contact with her became increasingly painful with her baseless accusations and random rages, until only one of my brothers sees or talks to her very much. She's not seen or spoken to any of her grandchildren in years, by her own choice.

I tell you that to remind you: We all have choices. Our behavior and treatment of others are things we choose every day. Actions have consequences. If you're not happy living there, you're absolutely right in moving wherever you will be. It doesn't mean you've abandoned her, it means you're expanding your world to include more people who want to be part of it. You'll still see, visit and talk with her, just a step removed.

[Adria]

Thank you so much Poison Ivy.

[Adria]

Black Sheep,

Your story sounds exactly like mine, with the narc ex and divorcing when she was six, etc.   I am so sorry  for what you are dealing with as well. My daughter will also be 40 this year. I guess I thought maybe with age things would get better, but now I'm thinking not.

I've been so sick, it almost seems like it would be easier to make up with her, but then she would win and it would start all over again.

We drove six hours up north yesterday to put an offer on a house. We didn't get it.  Doesn't look like it will be an easy task to make a move until the market changes where we are.  There were only three houses in the town we wanted to be in that were for sale.

Thank you for you kind thoughts and advice. Looks like I'm going to have to cope for awhile.

P.S. Sorry for my flaky posting, my brain is like mush right now.

[Adria]

Moglow,

I tell you that to remind you: We all have choices. Our behavior and treatment of others are things we choose every day. Actions have consequences. If you're not happy living there, you're absolutely right in moving wherever you will be. It doesn't mean you've abandoned her, it means you're expanding your world to include more people who want to be part of it. You'll still see, visit and talk with her, just a step removed.

You are so right.

I lost my son to my narc family as they caused his schizophrenic break, now I feel like I'm losing my daughter, or probably I never really had her either.  Such a harsh reality as she is about all I have left in this world.  If they could only realize how much we love them and how hard we tried through all the pain and heartache.