Any thoughts?

[Adria]

It's been pretty rough lately with my daughter.  (Previous posts). Actually, it felt like it was literally going to kill me.  She's all I have left in this world for family. But it feels like the way my family of origin treated me, and for that we moved away from them 30 years ago.

We drove back to the last city we lived in and put an offer on a house out of panic. Then cancelled it, because it wasn't great when we got there to see it in person. 

Dh said I should call my daughter when we got home and see if there is anything worth salvaging. She broke my heart so bad, but I did call her.  She came over and we talked.  The whole time I was in tears, I couldn't stop from crying.  She sat there like she was all in control and basically told me I heard her wrong with all the things she said previously.  A total about face again. Now says, "She's my biggest fan, she loves me, etc."

I don't know. It's like something broke inside of me this time. I am totally numb. She called all excited and enthusiastic this morning to see if I wanted to do something today. But, I told her we were going out of town again to look at another house. Which we are. She sounded truly dejected.

The sad truth is, is I don't really want to go with her today, or I don't know about any time soon.  I feel like I don't know her at all.  She said she made a couple of doctor and counceling appointments because she know she has severed mood swings. I suppose she did, but is that enough to keep me here anymore? I don't know. I'm so confused.

We have been in her town for a year. It hasn't been that fun. My son who has schizophrenia lives here as well and it has been a very tough year with him.  I have no energy to keep up with the couple of friends I've made, so those relationships are falling by the way side.  I didn't know your own kids could suck this much life out of you.  They have been so draining that I haven't even been able to enjoy my grandkids.  Just typing this makes me feel nauseous.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. I'm tired of the push pull.  I cry all the time. I just feel sick inside.  I don't think it matters anymore what she says. I don't trust her and just want to get a kitty and run away.

I don't want to make a hasty mistake, but I really don't know if there is a good enough reason to stay here any longer.  I desperately want peace in my life. The mind games seem to be too much. And, basically, I'm just very, very sad.   

[moglow]

I feel the pain in your words, and wish I could offer comfort other than that. DD promising to pursue counseling etc sounds great but still. That process takes time and work and effort on her part, and won't happen overnight. Will she stick with it? Only time will tell - and in the meantime you still have to live your life and find acceptance with everything that's happened. It IS painful, has to be.

"They say" to not make life decisions [including haircuts] when we're mad, sad, bored, etc. I'm not sure I agree. If you're feeling "off" what better time than to pursue other options and move towards addressing those feelings? I'd probably not jump at the first available option, but quietly keep looking. I'm one of those people who still believes that when the time is right, the property will appear and things slowly fall into place. I have to work at not stressing myself in the meantime, which is hard for me. And that's without the added personal and emotional stresses you have here.

[Adria]

Hi Moglow,

Just got home. Didn't find a house we liked today, but it does me so much good just to escape and think about something happy. 

I'm not going to hold my breath about her sticking with counseling as I'm pretty sure she doesn't think she really needs it, at least that's what she said when we talked. I'm sure she's just placating me. But who knows?

"They say" to not make life decisions [including haircuts] when we're mad, sad, bored, etc. I'm not sure I agree. If you're feeling "off" what better time than to pursue other options and move towards addressing those feelings? I'd probably not jump at the first available option, but quietly keep looking. I'm one of those people who still believes that when the time is right, the property will appear and things slowly fall into place. I have to work at not stressing myself in the meantime, which is hard for me. And that's without the added personal and emotional stresses you have here.

I like what you said here.  I understand the thought behind not making hasty  decisions under this much stress, but it does bring hope and some relief.  Like you say, I'm going to have to work at not stressing myself in the meantime which I think is going to be hard, but I'm going to try.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind words.  It was just what I needed tonight after a long drive. Hugs, Adria