Father's day

[Jsinjin]

I asked the family to please not fight.   UOCPDw has been gone for four days to training and live moved along harmoniously.   When she came back every single thing that happened had to have an interrogation and angry discussion about waste.  Oldest daughter left the house in a rage, son just shrugged his shoulders, youngest tried to fix wverything.   I kept asking people to please just be nice.   I didn't want dinner I didn't want any platitudes.  I just wanted them to not be mean to each other for the evening and spend time.witb me.   It all fell apart.   

The weird thing is, it's not the spouse wanting attention.   She genuinely is furious about waste of any kind.   Son went camping with friends and they put lunch meat into a box when packing up to come home instead of the cooler because they are idiot 18 year old males.  She can't let it go.   She is so angry and upset Ober that 5 bucks worth of lunch meat.   I get that rampant waste is bad.   But this is moron teenage men on a camping trip forgetting to pack up a thing of processed turkey.   And it kept goign in anger all day.   The fairness and anger was unreal.  The weird thing is that the batter died in my truck.   That happens.  It was about a hundred dollars us.   Easy to replace.   She had no concerns at all.   No explanation needed, the battery wouldn't hold a charge and could be Jumpstarted but it was clearly gone after about three years of hot texas summers.   Again, no big deal.  She had ko concerns at all.   But a 5 dollar pack of lunch meat half eaten that was packed wrong is cause for ruining everyone's evening.

[notrightinthehead]

Did you stick around to be an audience for that performance or did you remove yourself from the unnecessary drama?

[escapingman]

It is really hurting and triggering to read all your posts jsinjin, no one should live like you and your children are living. You are aware, you know what she is, why are you not saving yourself and your children and do something about it? She will never change, ever, and you know it.

[losingmyself]

Oh, I have been there....

[moglow]

The weird thing is, it's not the spouse wanting attention.

I beg to differ, my friend. That's exactly what that was - she was most certainly diverting attention to herself, actively regaining her control over the household. I understand being perturbed and maybe a "y'all need to pay attention to these things and stop being wasteful!" then letting it go. Yes, that's her stuff and she may struggle with it, but damn. Let it go already.

My Daddy traveled a lot, his profession demanded that he was gone for months at the time. Looking back, my brothers and I determined that he had to have been miserable with her. She raged at us while he was gone, raised hell with him shortly after he returned [mainly because he would naturally make a point to visit his mother], more massive meltdowns when he had to go back to work because he'd be gone for x months. She knew all this when she married him, when she had a family with him, but it continued to be a huge issue for her. When he finally full on left and filed for divorce, everything crumbled. Over the years she repeatedly defined it as "when your father left us!!" It never crossed her mind that he left so he could build a stable, safe, happy place for us to go - and eventually we all left her house for his. She still didn't get it.

[square]

I believe you, Jsinjin.

[moglow]

Yes, that's her stuff and she may struggle with it, but damn. Let it go already.

Correction: i meant to say ,*can't she* let it go already!

[justducky]

My heart goes out to you and your kids, jsinjin.

UOCPDw often rages. The reason why doesn't matter. It's abuse and it harms everyone in the house.

Would it be possible to simply leave when she starts raging? If any of the kids wish to go with you, take them. IMO it's best to get out of harm's way and deprive her of an audience.

[moglow]

 

[Jsinjin]

I had to actually work.   I had a major presentation due early this morning on a project so I hoped to put in an hour or so on it in the evening but that's when. The explosion happened

So yes I was there trying to ignore it.   

It's very painful to ignore her when she gets upset.   The anger starts and if people refuse to acknowledge her it sort of reminds me of a drill instructor portrayed in the movies where they find a shoe on the floor and ask aloud whose shoe is this and no one answers then the explosion happens.   

She is weird.  She likes to make sure any slight nonconformance is immediately called out loudly and with a sort of anger emotion that the intent is to ensure the perpetrator understands the harm they have done.   

But thus is with weird things.  Forks in the spoon slot of the silverware drawer, she once called me when I had left for a road trip for work and said in a passive aggressive tone "did you need the coffee maker to stay on while you are gone?"   The intent is to make sure I know thay it was left on and that electricity was wasted in that time.  I'll say "no, I forgot it" and she will pull up the data to show how much it wasted in electricity from the app.   

I Don't mean to be flippant, but i have held many good earning jobs and the house and all the stuff is paid off.   We have way more than we need in retirement and the company I work for pays for medical etc with good benefits.   I dont mean to leave my coffee maker on but the act of turning it off an hour later while I'm on a trip leaving at 5 am isn't thay big a deal and whatever electricity was wasted is in pennies.   

The woman can not emotionally or physically handle any waste or perceived waste nor any unfairness or perceived unfairness.   And irs not just me.   She doesn't put a different face toward anyone for any reason.   I often say that she would be a judge who would preside over her spouse or child in a criminal case and send them to jail because it is the law and have no remorse.   She is as enraged about other people in other cars speeding as she is if I speed.   As an elected official she called out a senior executive with the school district for walking through the turnstile door with her rather than badging in one person at a time even though he was having a conversation with her.   The fight with my son was not about him.   It was not about her.  It was about waste plain and simple and there was no way to recover that loss and it is a waste.   She equates a lost penny as equivalent to the mortgage crisis failure.   She equates a traffic ticket with first degree murder from a moral legal perspective.    Wrong to her is always absolute black and white with no gray at all.   There are rules and ways things should be done.   They are absolute.   The most violent behavior is if you try and joke or try and ignore the rule or take a stand that something is annexception.  She will raise the bar of the anger and outburst beyond any social norm or more' to the point you are shocked.  But the way she treats me is no different than anyone else.    Associates in her work and politics and world are all treated this way.   I truly don't believe it's to prove something.   I think it's abject fear and a personality disorder thay only allows strict interpretation of rules.

We have every vacuum cleaner bag since the kids were born stored on garage shelves to someday dissect.andnsee if any Legos were sucked up.  The kids are all in college.  They don't play with Legos.   But her fear of waste is thay great.   And it's not about the Legos.  They're just in bins unassembled.   She can't stand the idea thay one tiny one could be thrown away and wasted.

[Boat Babe]

That's some serious mental health stuff going on there. I'm amazed she can function in the workplace.

But this is about you. How much longer can you live with this? Why endure such misery?

[Jsinjin]

It's really a point for me and my counselor.   But most of the time I'm barely hanging on with work, people needing me on calls and meetings and the three kids.  The fact that I haven't left is really related to never being able to catch up on a day to day basis.   I always say "no one ever misses a meeting with me" and it's pretty much true.   I would truly be out of here if there was more time.   Too much to discuss here in a behaviors sub forum.   This is all on me.  I am the head of a large division of a big company and on top of that a former company I started has me on so many calls asking detail after detail it's killing me.   I have not had time in months to work on leaving.   That's an excuse but right jow I'm typing on my phone while a executive in India has been talking to me for three hours on a call and ev3ry single question is "jsj, can you answer that"   this goes on day after day. 

[Boat Babe]

Sounds stressful to the max, which is why your homelife should be a peaceful and joyful place to retreat to. I am so sorry that this is the case for you.