Dad acting very strangely indeed

[NarcKiddo]

Nice one. Good for you.

[p123]

Got to be fair its nice now to think "I just don't care what your drama is".

Fully expect he'll escalate this somehow before the weekends up. I get the impression he cant do without.

[foobarred]

Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice.

BWAHAHAHA!  You just described my mother.

In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.

Sounds like he's only become obsessed with it since you told him "no".  No, it's not "normal" - but it's normal for a PD.  Mom was similarly enraged when I blocked her number and limited our communication to *only* once a day.  Harped over and over on how she didn't really call me *that* often, she didn't mean to be a bother, she just couldn't help it and I needed to make allowances...

God, now I've got flashbacks...

[p123]

Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice.

BWAHAHAHA!  You just described my mother.

In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.

Sounds like he's only become obsessed with it since you told him "no".  No, it's not "normal" - but it's normal for a PD.  Mom was similarly enraged when I blocked her number and limited our communication to *only* once a day.  Harped over and over on how she didn't really call me *that* often, she didn't mean to be a bother, she just couldn't help it and I needed to make allowances...

God, now I've got flashbacks...

Ha ha yep.

I remember him a few times saying my family "had to understand he needed me to help him". Which in Dad-speak meant "me first, me first, me first" and pretty much meant he expected me to cancel things with my kids in favour of him.

I remember he was in hospital one xmas - he loves being in hospital but he demanded I visit xmas day. Now the hospital is 45 mins away - he wanted me there something silly  like 9am. I said "let me open presents with son first (he was 4 or 5) and I'll be there". His answer was "NO I want you there 9am you're son will have to understand and anyway there'll be other xmases".

I didnt go at 9am - I'd be divorced now if I did I think! Turned up at about 11ish and he wasnt happy.

[p123]

Last nights call the same. Its like a game.

He gets on the phone, tells me how ill he is, then expects an answer from me. Last night he said he had problems with X and was Y related did I think?
Eh? I'm not a medical professional so no idea. (however, even I know theres nothing much wrong with him!)

I can't imagine how my life would be if I was a doctor. Jeez. My wifes a nurse and he used to constantly badger here (when they were speaking). Even then though she'd tell him straight and he'd ignore anyway.

Yeh so on the phone call I change the subject, he diverts it back to how ill he is. I honestly think he sits at home all day thinking "I'm so ill, I'm so ill, I'm so ill"

[Cat of the Canals]

"Wow dad, it sounds like you're really ill. I guess I should let you go so you can call your doctor." 

[justducky]

He gets on the phone, tells me how ill he is, then expects an answer from me. Last night he said he had problems with X and was Y related did I think?

Semi-serious suggestion: mess with him. It could go like this.

Dad: Oh, woe is me, the pain! [Describes symptoms]. What do you think it is?

You: Bubonic plague.

Dad: What? Are you daft? Of course it's not that!

You: Oh. Probably Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever then.

Dad: You can't be serious. I'm in distress here!

You: I'm not a doctor. Perhaps you should see a professional. Feel better soon, Dad. [hangs up]

[Starboard Song]

You've done well to disengage. You kept it simple and polite. You got off the call in reasonable time. You didn't give in. In fact, bonus points for reporting it here as a positive experience!

I suggest that you keep it up. Nobody ever thought he would change overnight. Keep having the same compassionate but matter of fact conversation and that will be the end of it. Yes, it is a burden to do that, but you've affirmed you don't seek NC. So this is the low-cost option. You're doing great. 

[square]

Nobody ever thought he would change overnight.

He won't change at all. p123 won't be able to change his dad, only his response to his dad. And indeed he is doing well.

[lkdrymom]

Telling my father "I don't know what to tell you"  seemed to take the wind out of his sails.  Or I would ask "What do YOU plan on doing about it?"

[p123]

Getting the hang of it now...

When he goes on and on about how ill he is I answer "oh right". When he asks what do I think about something I say "I dunno"
He recently cancelled his carers (because he'd have to pay) and I said "Up to you, you're the one who has to make that decision not me"

[Boat Babe]

Well done P123. AND you're still being a compassionate son.

[lkdrymom]

I think you are getting the hang of this.  Never deviate. Keep putting it back on him to deal with.  My father would want medical advice from me..."Dad, I'm not a doctor...what did your doctor say?".

[p123]

I think you are getting the hang of this.  Never deviate. Keep putting it back on him to deal with.  My father would want medical advice from me..."Dad, I'm not a doctor...what did your doctor say?".

Yep. Did that again last night. Hes SO dramatic though - "I'm really struggling to cope with my back pain".
Speak to your doctor. There is just no need for all the drama to be honest.... Its just so obvious that its moaning for the sake of it rather than anything else.

(although once again hes decided he doesn't want to take the full dose of painkillers. Can imagine how that converation with his doctor might go.)

[nanotech]

I have a back condition. I have a couple of chronic conditions. My back problems cut my career short.
I take non opioids  and also I manage the pain through gentle movement. I do gentle yoga. It's fantastic. There are lots of exercise options. There is chair yoga. Also other exercises u can do just sitting in a chair. The GP would could provide a leaflet for him. He wouldn't have to go to a class.
I stopped taking opioids last year, and now take paracetamol instead, and I use my yoga to stay flexible and strong,
There  are physiotherapists and chiropractors. I'm having physio atm.
The point is to accept your situation and then do what you can about it. If your dad wants to lessen his opioid intake, he can. But he must manage his back pain another way. Sitting for long periods isn't great for arthritis. Everything seizes up. I vary my movements throughout the day. I can't stand for long, but I'm okay walking for a while. So I accept these things about myself and plan my life accordingly.
I'm in my 60s, not my 80s. So I'm not an exact comparison. It must be hard for your dad, as it is for many octogenarians.
If we are lucky enough to reach his age, then more than likely it will be hard for us too.
The key is to accept the situation and make those choices that will best serve us. 

Ranting about it is simply resisting reality. Calm acceptance also results in less pain! It just does!

No one  can wave a magic wand for your dad. No one has to  suffer for your dad's aging body and advancing aches and pains, least of all by jumping through his fiery hoops of resentment.
We will all grow old ( if we're lucky) and we all have it to face.

[square]

The key for me is whether there is a demand (implicit or explicit) attached to the complaints.

I am fine if a relative or friend says "ughh, my back has been hurting a lot recently, I don't know WHAT caused it, it's gotten to the point it's making it hard to get stuff done." And if all you have to do is MC some type of "oh no" or say "yeah my back was bad last year too and suddenly it just got better, hope that's how it ends up for you," and move on that's all fine and good. If there's no baggage I'll even listen to details about it. It's life, people talk about life.

But the moment there's any frustration, resentment that you didn't solve the problem, offer your services, lament at length over how awful it must be, or any expectation whatsoever other than being a basic conversational partner, that's toxic, manipulative, problematic.

[Starboard Song]

 

[p123]

The key for me is whether there is a demand (implicit or explicit) attached to the complaints.

I am fine if a relative or friend says "ughh, my back has been hurting a lot recently, I don't know WHAT caused it, it's gotten to the point it's making it hard to get stuff done." And if all you have to do is MC some type of "oh no" or say "yeah my back was bad last year too and suddenly it just got better, hope that's how it ends up for you," and move on that's all fine and good. If there's no baggage I'll even listen to details about it. It's life, people talk about life.

But the moment there's any frustration, resentment that you didn't solve the problem, offer your services, lament at length over how awful it must be, or any expectation whatsoever other than being a basic conversational partner, that's toxic, manipulative, problematic.

Yeh I get that sometimes he wants to talk about it but he ALWAYS wants me to present him with a solution. I can't obviously.....

In the past, even when I've offered my advice he does the opposite so its pointless anyway.

[square]

In your case he doesn't want your advice. He wants you to swing into action.

[Spring Butterfly]

When you're

Is this normal to be so obsessed?

"People who suffer from HPD are sometimes accused of being a "drama queen" or "drama major". They are the people who grab the microphone, hog the limelight, always change the subject to themselves, behave outrageously, have tantrums and generally refuse to be ignored."
https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/histrionic-personality-disorder-hpd