IDD Cycle Speeding up

[falsebalance2]

I didn't realize how tired I really am until I got away for a short trip. My first ever in over a decade without him. I had developed phobias on traveling when from childhood I have always enjoyed traveling. I think it was my cognitive dissonance coming up with reasons to stay home. He claims now traveling is HIS dream - when that wasn't the case when I actually used to travel - I dragged him along.

I also spent time around a dementia patient....I noticed they told me many stories. I realized though she doesn't know she just told me the story - she is aware how I make her feel as I listen. She was telling those stories to say "I'm in here! I'm still here!" So I paid close attention every story and smiled and gave her a responsive audience.

I realize I do something similar! I talk about my past so much. I would be criticized by updh for doing so. And I have always been a future-minded person so I couldn't understand this either...Slowly every conversation I have is based on my past. No more future dreams and goals and plans....Then it hit me - I'm trying to say "I'm still in here!"

I had some time to reflect and let more people in on what I am experiencing and I was met with support and urgency for the children.

So I came back and had the talk. That I wanted to move out for some space. So he countered that if I move out so will he and then we moved on to divorce.

I stayed calm and in control. I navigated us to a point we could agree and quietly went my own way. I was blamed for everything within the relationship failure.
He also expressed he did not consider divorce an option until a month ago - yet he has threatened it for years.

The next day after going to do his thing he came back and said please don't leave he is willing to fight.

I expressed how we have been here before time and time again. I pointed out he has said these things before and watched him fight his own anger to stay in rescuer mode.

And then replaying the conversation I see it is all about HIM and HIS inability to lose us. to lose me...and the responsibility of fully taking care of himself.

It has occured to me today that I need to quit focusing on what his words are and where he is on the cycle and proceed with what is best for everyone.

Since I am the only one in the family capable of considering everyone's needs - I will need to make the plans.

I must be proactive and not reactive or I am letting someone who is incapable of empathy call the shots.

Here is where I finally grow.

Moving in faith - forsaking fear. Willing to face whatever attacks he will use to try and destroy me.

I have a great deal of compassion for him despite how he has treated me. I hate that the terrible disfunction he grew up in warped his mind.

And it is not loving to cater to a delusion and die slowly in the process - creating more broken people to send out into society...and when I die he will find another host - and likely that would be one of the children.

I must protect myself so I can protect the future generatIons...and I must do so in the most caring and calm manner for the updh.

I am a gentle soul and find tough love to be TOUGH.

But this is my missing development.

I read something I wanted to share....

in my own words:

It isn't that you attract these people like a magnet. These people are quite common. It is that you don't know to leave them alone.

I grew up in disfunction surrounded by pds. They taught me backwards rules based on my Scapegoat role. I learned to deny myself at all costs to keep the pd and the caregiver/enabler happy.

I knew from a young age I wanted to break the cycle. Being able to admit I made a mistake and I'm going to move forward is my story. I hope for my children's story it can be "I learned from my mother to avoid that mistake."

That means facing the fear and moving one foot forward at a time...and giving them an example of how to get out once you've been trapped vs being worn down to a shell and leaving them out to suffer.

[bloomie]

falsebalance2 - your post is so insightful and filled with wisdom.

I can't applaud you enough in seeing past the cycle and behaviors that have been so harmful to you and to have compassion for the broken person behind the behaviors. It takes a stead and grounded person to not be swayed into reentering the cycle and to push through to a healthier life for yourself and your children.

I was moved by everything you shared, but especially relate to this:

It isn't that you attract these people like a magnet. These people are quite common. It is that you don't know to leave them alone.

I grew up in disfunction surrounded by pds. They taught me backwards rules based on my Scapegoat role. I learned to deny myself at all costs to keep the pd and the caregiver/enabler happy.

I knew from a young age I wanted to break the cycle. Being able to admit I made a mistake and I'm going to move forward is my story. I hope for my children's story it can be "I learned from my mother to avoid that mistake."

That means facing the fear and moving one foot forward at a time...and giving them an example of how to get out once you've been trapped vs being worn down to a shell and leaving them out to suffer.

[falsebalance2]

Bloomie,

Your response is like a hug as I mourn this loss. Thank you.  I needed that this evening.

I feel excited for the peace of my own space - and at the same time I grieve for the emptiness he will feel. He also struggles with feeling we exist if we aren't directly in front of him. He doesn't want to engage with me - but he needs to see me walking silently around the house so he feels ok.

I posted here rather than separating because I wan't to find a healthy route - and I think legal action will trigger his reaction to fight and be right. I'm trying to be as gentle as he will allow.

Had I been healthy all those years ago - I wouldn't have been in this for so many years. I believed so many lies about the kind of life I deserved.

I can't beat myself up - I was able to keep seeking for answers and I shared all that I learned trying to help him along.

I also saw some pds compared to jumping in the water to save a drowning victim. They don't intentionally want to drown you - but in their panic to survive - they will shove you under trying to catch a breath.

[falsebalance2]

Wow

Maybe I'll continue on as a thread here....

Now that updh is reaping some consequences and his circles have held him to it -

he came to me.

And here is the most heart-wrenching part for me.

For so long I knew I was all he had. He didn't see that. I have been a highly perceptive/intuition led person my entire life - and as a result - I tended to pick wounded animals to bring back to life and set free. How I have learned this isn't wise with people.

And if I remove myself from him he will have no choice but to see that - or replace me....and I'm going to be very hard to replace as far as how dedicated and seasoned to his preferences I was.

Maybe this is his sudden reason for getting back in shape? He senses his time is running out so now he is looking for the next host?

I plan to move out in a few weeks.
I will give him every opportunity to 'prove' himself as he says....But I'm hoping that by employing what I have learned in "Stop Caretaking," will cause a discard.

I am praying he doesn't try to use the children as a replacement. I have raised them to be headstrong and question everything that doesn't feel right in their spirit.

How to narc-proof children! That is my goal.
I must save them!

I also know from experience we love our parents no matter how bad they can be.

Many who know my situation think he will get bored of the kids and won't mind us slowly fading away.

I think so long as he can use a victim narrative for future supply he may prefer it that way - say his ex wife is a horrible person who stole the kids......He really only knows how to take other's experiences and claim them for his own...

He told me one time if I had to move away FAR away with them he would understand.

It sounded more like a wish.

I had people come and go from my life because once they figured him out they would tell me "He wants out! He just wants you to be the bad guy," and then the friendship would crumble as I was so properly trained to defend his honor at ALL cost.

He recently said I'm like a dog who didn't respond to training or has limits that make our relationship unfulfilling.

I tried to warn him his co worker was out to get him and I think he underestimated. I think his own game has been played on him and he may be about to lose his job. Why do I feel bad for him?!? 

[feralcat]

Because you can't stop yourself being YOU. Or don't want to.

As an analogy - I had a very honest conversation with my unPdM a few days ago. At only 66 years of age. Lol. I havent been well , so I'm tiiiired. Her continual hypochondriacal wailings got to me. She's been pushing even the most Foggy family into avoiding her. Her final comment ? Oh, I expect you'll cut me off now ! Harrumph ! Her abandonment fears are paramount. Even though it's she who's pushed even the biggest fixers away.

I told her no, that as I would have done that years ago . And been justified. But I didn't. . But I do need the endless negativity to stop. If she wants me to call.
The reality is that I am compassionate. She doesn't scare me any more. It's no skin off my nose, as they say in the UK. I'm not a child. I live a long way away. I do realise that she herself is damaged. I don't want to end up disliking myself. I don't care any more what other family members think.

So ... You're doing great, by the sound of it. Very secure in your knowledge of how you tick, and very self aware.
What your sTbxH does with himself in the future is up to him. Sometimes people don't look at themselves until they reach the bottom of their pit.
Thanks for teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. I'm sure they'll appreciate you for that, if they don't already. Young ?

[SonofThunder]

FalseBalance2, 

I wish you the best on your coming plans.  The dog training analogy actually coming from his mouth is just SO ridiculous, yet paints an accurate mental picture of how PD people view their targets as objects to serve their needs, and when the target isn't performing as expected, they are discarded.   You wrote:

"...will have no choice but to see that - or replace me....and I'm going to be very hard to replace as far as how dedicated and seasoned to his preferences I was."   

Using both my past and more recent experiences, i will cast my vote on PD people choosing 'replace' by utilizing a silent 'see'.  My stbxw will surely 'see' in time, but imo, it will only cause her victim mentality and therefore 'replace' energy and goals, to intensify.  I also believe that 'replace' wont settle until she finds another target who is "dedicated" (a dedicated caretaker type) so the target can be trained (seasoned), to perform the necessary specific caretaking duties to calm the chaotic internal needs of the PD, so they can then project that outward facade calm, got-my-act-together trophy. 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

So ... You're doing great, by the sound of it. Very secure in your knowledge of how you tick, and very self aware.
What your sTbxH does with himself in the future is up to him. Sometimes people don't look at themselves until they reach the bottom of their pit.
Thanks for teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. I'm sure they'll appreciate you for that, if they don't already. Young ?

I do hear it gets worse and worse as the PD comes to their end. It is a sad way to live. I'm glad you've found a way to make it work.

And thank you - I do find the children's futures to be the most important. I thought at some point that meant keeping us together - but as I can't seem to regulate as he comes and goes when he pleases I believe I'm sending the children the wrong message.

I can't have rules for him that an adult won't follow and will undo if I give any ground.

Yes the children are all under 5.

[falsebalance2]

SOT,

I took a few pages out of your play book.

I find the more calm I am - the more I can't believe my ears! I think the more calm I get he tries to coax me back into my....Kennel? haha - and then I hear more of how his mind actually views me.

He loves the idea of a companion but the actual work and training doesn't interest him. And then when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum and blames the dog.

And now I'm certain it is financial reasons he doesn't want to see me go. He had me paying all of the bills while he saved.

Now we will both be scraping by.

I do see the trophy of "my life is just fine without you, therefore you were the problem," being the likely response.

I have so many people hoping he will turn around. For now, I will let them keep their hope.

Prognosis doesn't look good.

If I get the place I'm expecting a wild two weeks....But - he may be super calm while I'm in the throes of moving so he can wait until the dust settles to reasses how he can come out on top. (how he can mess me over and punish me for leaving).

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2,

I agree, the calm, quiet causes the PD to pull out the stops in creating change in the non, and surely reveal their motives in the process.  You wrote:

"He loves the idea of a companion but the actual work and training doesn't interest him. And then when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum and blames the dog. And now I'm certain it is financial reasons he doesn't want to see me go. He had me paying all of the bills while he saved."

I like the way you worded that and your insight is wise.  Sadly my prediction is that he will, after your departure, state how much he doesn't like being alone (by himself)  vs stating that he misses your relationship and also loathing having to actually do things to care for himself, in which his prior caretaker had done. 

I wish you the best in your journey,

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Thank you, SOT.

Yes - when I had a calm talk and explained I would be moving out his response was "Well then I'm moving out, too. I don't want to live here alone."

Which is why we had to go further down the line than he wanted - selling the home and divorce.

The thing is - when he would rage and threaten divorce he would say he was going to move out - but he never does. And people with no pd knowledge keep telling me to stay and make him leave. In our state he has equal right to stay here. So I know he would use that and come back.

But if I get a place beneath his ego - I am much more insulated from hoovering when he can't deal with nobody cleaning his toilet.

His side of the house is in bad shape and throughout - everything I couldn't do alone for maintenence has been put off for a few years. (I learned a lot of DIY skills because of this....But he would say DIY makes him nervous but then not want to pay for someone to fix the house. He greatly overestimates what our home is worth because he doesn't understand upkeep).

He expected me to take care of everything while he hoarded money...which he is now wildly spending in case I leave him or to soothe his pd injury.

Either way I don't care. If I have my children he can have everything else.

Waking up to the reality by focusing on his actions shows me the whirlwind he kept me in with words.

When I realized the prison bars were only words it became comical and shameful for how long I stayed there.

Of course - He will likely see the children as a 'gotcha' for life...Which is why I feel leaving right now while they require much care may be the wisest thing I can do to protect them - And not stirring up anything legal and let his rescuer side come to front. Because his rescuer side only uses words and his actions greatly conflict - which exposes who he is better for outsiders.

His current interest is in our eldest child - because he is less 'work,' but little does he know that children are still emotional 'work' long after changing diapers...and our eldest is very perceptive and cooling off on him.


I've still got some forgiving of myself to do for putting my children through this.

I feel like I married a con-man.

[SonofThunder]

FalseBalance2, 

These PD con-artist's are highly skilled, and as we here on Out of the FOG know well, it takes experience, along with education, insight and wisdom to finally come out of FOG that the con-artist keeps us within.  There are SO many non's not here on Out of the FOG, in the head-spinning FOG and so I consider us the lucky ones who have reached this level of awareness. 

I personally believe children are resilient and now, with your bold protective moves for yourself and them, they will have you to thank for your protection and also potential future education for them, in teaching them how to avoid the FOG in their own adult lives. 

Im proud of you for your bold moves, using education, wisdom, insight and understanding of what is most valuable in life.  My thoughts and prayers for you in your forward progress. 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Thank you, SOT the encouragement is much appreciated.

I believe you are right about children as well.

Also - very true to be thankful to be one of the ones to wake up from the FOG!!!

[falsebalance2]

I got the place!

Now to gray rocking my way through the move!

[SonofThunder]

I got the place!

Now to gray rocking my way through the move!

A big congratulations FalseBalance2!  🙌🏻   As you stated, gray-rock/medium-chill through the process. 

Using our knowledge of what drives decision-making, attitudes and self-focused concerns of a PD, i believe there are ways to make the move much smoother for ourselves, by being flexible with ourselves in order to keep drama as low as possible.  For some people, these flexibilities may be seen as further 'caretaking' toward the PD, but in reality are an extension of GR and MC. 

For example, my PDw is very concerned about her public image, which includes neighbors.  Therefore, I chose to complete my moving to-do's in times and ways so neighbors werent very aware of what was occurring and when my PDw was not at home.  I moved in more frequent, small trips in my own vehicle vs renting/hiring a moving van, which looked normal.  I chose to not take furniture (starting over fresh), which left the marriage home looking untouched; again a big helper of calm for the PDw. 

I was able to complete my moving to-do's without any questions from neighbors, which kept drama with the PD at minimum.  I said nothing to her about why i chose these methods and she did not ask.  I just went about my business in silence and in a very 'business' MC mentality. 

I liken divorce to a war; a truth war.  Part of 'truth' is my silent understanding and education on PD subjects and also my specific PD person.  Therefore those education assets of mine are similar to battle plans; not to ever be revealed.  All good plans need great intel. To get great intel, one must covertly infiltrate and gather data.  Also, when time comes for the war to occur, there are typically covert operators already in place behind enemy lines, in order to assist the overt incoming forces.  The covert operators are successful because they blend in with society while they are doing their covert operations. 

Therefore, my designing a low-drama move assisted me in many ways, both emotionally and physically, and the PD 'victim' didnt get the opportunity with the neighbors to benefit from a smear-me campaign during an already stressful event of a move.  I understand the scenarios and capabilities are very different for everyone, but low-drama for ourselves (even if it looks like caretaking a PD persons public reputation) is, imo, an important component to preserving our own energy for a future time when more overt methods are necessary. 

I wish you the best in your GR and MC in keeping things as calm as possible for you, even if your PDh believes they are somehow scoring a victory at your expense.  Its a truth-war imo, and truth will eventually reveal itself when each side has the freedom and protection of private space in which to conduct operations, and the 'covert operator' of calm-privacy of our own place is key to moving the truth-war along, one skirmish at a time.  Remember also that the best pre-made battle plans will change, the moment the first overt action is taken in the truth war, so use your PD knowledge, wisdom and experience to craft revised plans as you go along and understanding that battle plans must be flexible will also help to stay energized and optimistic for the end goals, even if the route to get there, changes many times.  Thoughts and prayers toward you. 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Wow thank you, SOT!

I had forgotten to take into account how he will feel about neighbors inquiring about mine and the children's whearabouts.

I must massage his ego and allow him the 'wins' that I can afford.

Caretaking has always been a survival mechanism at it's core - so to some degree it is necessary when trying to gain some ground or I'll be attacked.

Very wise. Thank you.

I am learning if I write a brief statement (and record) - I get to say what I need to say and then I let him do all of his tricks for however long he needs to - and then I recap with my talking point.

When I'm feeling weak or like I made this all up in my head I go and have a listen and picture someone speaking to someone I love like that in front of me and what I would do or say.

I have a feeling he will want to sell the house as soon as he sees my moving out is a reality...And now I understand why. He thinks he is above all of the neighbors and will want to move for a fresh narrative as I have made genuine connections with many of the people round the block.

Not to have magical thinking - but moreso maintaining good testimony that I did everything possible to reconcile - I was hoping he would stay in the house and reality would hit and he could possibly wake up at least for the sake of the children.

But I know odds for this are slim to none.

So I greatly value the advice to be ready for plans to change rapidly - and also to make quiet trips to move.

When I read my letter about moving out he hit me with selling the house and a few other things. I almost made the mistake of asking him what HE wanted to do - but I recently heard with a PD - be proactive not reactive.

So I paused and said "Ok. Here is what I'm doing. It is what I want to do. Whatever you decide to do in turn I support you."



I almost fear telling him I'm moving out...But then again I have this intuition that if I remind him of how he is seeking his as he put it "mental and physical health" and this process could take up to two years from the original 6 month request (lol) - That I'm simply seeking the same for myself.

Fear is built into that OZ illusion - but I believe I'm dealing with a tiny boy behind the curtain.

He claims he wants to see the children and only avoids them because I'm around. The other night he asked if he could take them all to dinner and I asked what he intended to do about car seats. He refuses to keep car seats in his vehichle. His response?

Oh. I forgot about that. Nevermind.

And then proceeded to text me that he would be out with 'friends' that I've never met.

I thought to tell him he must buy car seats....But then I realized that is solving his problems and that's not my job.

I have months worth of documentation of his non-interest in the children and zero to minimal financial support for groceries and diapers and clothing.


He has tried to force my hand at divorce for many years (or just became his true self once he thought I would never leave because I told him from day one I would never wish a broken home on children).

So I am going to make sure I present this as me trying to 'get' healthy like he is "healthier than he has ever been," and giving him space and freedom to do so. And that if after I get healthy if he finds me attractive again (lol) then we can discuss.

Maybe if I give him the opportunity to believe he can discard me and it not be what I want he will work hard to replace.

If he presses for divorce I've told him I will gladly do a fast flat fee divorce. He mentioned the need to 'set me free' like surrendering a dog when it "just isn't working out."

I'm elated to have peace in my new place - but I know this is going to likely be a slow war. But I will be energized for battle rather than squatting inside his trenches.

Thank you for the prayers.


While taking inventory of my things I had a moment where I found some cookies I have and remembering how he came to the grocery one day and told me to try some new ones and he paid. I thought wow...That was so kind of him........

And then I realize I can justify months long abuse because he bought me a few 5.00 cookies if I'm not careful.


I am so thankful for my children - because even though they are the reason I must be very cautious how I approach all of this -

they are a major motivation to not return with each new piece of freedom I gain.

[SonofThunder]

FalseBalance2,  I look forward to keeping up with your progress on your plan, that you have already put in motion. 

All the best,

SoT

[square]

It sounds like you've made some major, major progress on a number of levels. Well done.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you, SOT!

And thank you, Square!!!

I also studied this cycle wheel and use it like a little "you are here," map.

It is still maddening - but it is helping me endure the speed of the IDD cycle.

it was 5 phases

Love Bombing - Which for me is menial (like buying those cookies LOL)

Calm - which isn't necessarily nice....just no tension

Tension - As a highly intuitive person I pick up on this immediately and my body goes into fight or flight (or fawn or freeze!)

Incident - Inevitably I crack and the moment I break gray rock or MC and show any of my sensitive nature or any emotion - he will pounce and it feels like being vomited on with hatred. His words - "I can't hit you so I hit you with words." or "Sometimes you need a spanking so I have to put you in your place."

Distance - Silent treatment until I initiate any contact. Then depending on what I initiate contact for - I am either punished by more distance - or I guess the magic topic and I am rewarded with love - bombing.

Then back to the love bombing.

Waiting patiently for my discard.

I can't tell most people this because they want to give me hope - But my heart has closed for intimacy with him ever again. Each time someone says they're hoping he wakes up - I know they mean well but it literally makes my stomach turn.

Being in the same room knowing he has been tinkering with my head from a young vulnerable age and then tried to trap me with children and financial hurdles . . . I literally feel ill.

today we are in tension mode. He is ramping up ready for the incident.

Hopefully I can be in distance or love bombing as I'm packing up.

I may have to have the backup plan to be packed swiftly in one day should "incident" be the mark around move-out.

Two weeks. I have to make it!

[SonofThunder]

FB2,

You wrote " I may have to have the backup plan to be packed swiftly in one day should "incident" be the mark around move-out."

I believe this is very wise.  I will suggest you have a mentally practiced worse-case boundary plan at all times and carry the tools necessary for proper boundary application for your own self protection.   You are wise and highly sensitive to his traits and will pick up on 'incident' mentalities.  Not trying to raise fear or worry but suggest proper planning. 

Imo, the boundary plan should be a stepped plan should the 'incident' escalate.  For example. 

1. His voice is raised/accusations= i will noJADE and will depart from the same room.
2. If followed out of the room= I will start video/audio recording on my phone and go to my vehicle and drive away.
3. If followed= I will call the police while driving and drive to a nearest police and fire station (know where this is and how to get there by memory, not by phone map)

Also my opinion: At all times, your cell phone should be charged, your vehicle should be kept topped off with fuel, you should have a go-bag packed for a multiple night stay and in your car. 

If you feel as if this event could trigger a more hostile reaction and therefore self defense necessary, then i recommend you purchase (if in the USA, not certain regarding outside USA ) a Kimber Pepperblaster 2 and carry it at all times in your pocket, or in a discreet belly band holster.  Its a potent non-mist, high speed (120mph+) stream pepper spray which is accurate to 10-12 ft.  Its non lethal and will disable any human (no matter their size) in less than 5 seconds and the disabling effects last 45+ min.  2 shots per device.  Purchase on Amazon or possibly at a local firearms dealer if you want a cash/discreet purchase vs Amazon if your husband can see purchase histories. I carry one on me at all times and have one in my vehicle and also in my bedroom. 

Again, not to alarm you, but your comment of his words "I cant hit you..."??   That says to me he's restricting himself because of law, not because of his care for you. In a PD rage incident, law may go out the window, as many here have witnessed.  Distance is your best friend in volatile situation and the Kimber device mentioned is ideal in creating distance and time to get away. 

I wish you a calm move, but also advise planning for all scenarios and mentally running them over and over. 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Thank you for telling me about the Kimber Pepper gun - Even just for soon living alone. I looked into these and they seem like a great option for me.

I feel my pd is extremely lazy and therefore will just wait and see what happens and use the entire situation to mock me and make me feel like I've made a mountain of a mow-hill.


now I'm processing a few things:

I do agree it is wise to be prepared for anything. I spent 4 months trapped with an overt narcissist when I was a teen. The classic love-bomb turned to violence within a matter of months. I had to flee for my life and drive to a police station. I had enough evidence to put him behind bars and but I fled instead. I was too young and scared if I ruined his image like that he would most likely have killed me once he got out. Ironically - he was the only guy my parents ever approved of. He was charming, attractive, and had made a name for himself.

Fast forward to now - when I listen to the recordings - I can see how similar they are...Their pattern of speech and their faults they find with me. They took inventory of my insecurities and weaponized them! Only the overt was more rash which ultimately woke me up to the danger I was in. He threw me across a room one evening and his mother barged in and asked me "What did you do?" 

However my updh is much more in control of himself. He has spent years building a case against me just as my mother did. They are more calm and calculating and enjoy watching me in pain. It IS a truth war - and I finally realize everyone has flaws so if he wants to publicly drag mine out will it be fun? No.....But will it reveal his level of class (or lack thereof)?

The overt was easier to escape because he was irrational and I had an obvious reason to flee (violence). I will say even with bruises all over my body - some people still found it hard to believe he could have done it without 'provocation.' The provocation was he was cheating and became obsessed that I was cheating.

I thought because I wasn't being physically harmed I wasn't being abused. But seeing my children struggle with his behaviors woke me up, fast.

This current situation mirrors my childhood so well.

1. My mother told me (only in private was it overt) I never wanted a child - you ruined my life. Birth control didn't work. I should have aborted you.

2. Updh told me from the very beginning - I didn't want a relationship (lie) but I'll tolerate you - if I don't want you here you won't be here.

I tried with both to prove they should love me.

Most people became flying monkeys when I tried to escape or tell about the twisted abuse I was experiencing. Then it was "she's your mother....Just respect her and things will work out." And now it is "He is your husband....Til death do you part....Just respect him and it'll work out."


If I don't stay one day at a time I feel that speed wobble which occurs on a motorcycle.
I'm terrified of the damage he could inflict on me and my children - but I just keep moving foreward.