The truth war goes on

[escapingman]

Today has been a tough day, I lost focus for a while and got emotional. First has a long meeting with Solicitor, she suggested I might be accused of not having trying to stop the abuse of the children and instead focusing on recording. She said she understands, but that others might not so will need to be careful. That would just be it if I record the abuse and then I am going to be accused for not stopping it. Then uNPDx tried gaslighting through the solicitors and accused me of using up money still joint whilst she is the one that has been draining the account, I even have evidence. But all this is starting to really get to me now, all I want is to get GC back home and for some peace, but I feel the longer time goes on the further away to get her home is. I am really struggling now, I need something to go well quick.

This really is a roller coaster of emotions, today bad, hopefully better tomorrow.

[SonofThunder]

Today has been a tough day, I lost focus for a while and got emotional. First has a long meeting with Solicitor, she suggested I might be accused of not having trying to stop the abuse of the children and instead focusing on recording. She said she understands, but that others might not so will need to be careful. That would just be it if I record the abuse and then I am going to be accused for not stopping it. Then uNPDx tried gaslighting through the solicitors and accused me of using up money still joint whilst she is the one that has been draining the account, I even have evidence. But all this is starting to really get to me now, all I want is to get GC back home and for some peace, but I feel the longer time goes on the further away to get her home is. I am really struggling now, I need something to go well quick.

This really is a roller coaster of emotions, today bad, hopefully better tomorrow.

EM, sorry you are having a bad day. War is one territory battle at a time.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  Irony is that at the end of the war, your recordings will probably have been very helpful in stopping continued prolonged abuse by your stbx, so thanks be the truth of recording.

Stopping physical abuse, as its occurring imo, is a difficult predicament as a PD will quickly accuse the non of physical abuse in the protective event should the non try to step in physically to block.  Recording while blocking abuse is a circus trick.  Stopping verbal abuse is near impossible except boundaries on ourselves, and trying to location-remove a child from verbal abuse in a home from the opposite parent, imo opens up a whole new can of PD accusation as well. 

From my recollection, your presence and witness to these verbal abuses probably kept them from escalating further.  Two adolescent kids/siblings scrapping with each other is normal to a point anyway 😂.  Truth will prevail.

SoT

[square]

1) First, you tried every way you knew how to stop the abuse without engaging in abuse yourself. It didn't work. And you really would have rathered it worked.

2) Second, you were told things didn't happen that did, thibgs that things happened that didn't, that things happened in a different order, and so on. You weren't sure if you were going crazy. So you started recording.

3) It took time for you to see the big picture, process the pattern, and make additional futile efforts to stop the abuse and come to understand that you can in fact not control another person's behavior... at least not without commiting abuse.

4) Finally, THE RECORDINGS WERE THE WAY YOU COULD STOP THE ABUSE of SG and yourself, and hopefully GC in the future. Without them you'd have nothing.

If it were me, I'd write up something to that effect and submit it to my solicitor and see if she thought it would be useful in some way, at least to have up her sleeve.

[square]

I really want to know what people are picturing when they say "but why didn't you stop the abuse?"

I mean, do they think an abuser will stand down if someone sats "now, now, dear."

Or are they thinking a man will, like, pin her down on the floor while she kicks and screams? And think that's a reasonable solution? They don't see any problems with that?

I really wanna know what such people think. I guess they must think that everyone is reasonable, so if you just explain it right, problem solved. And I guess I have to admit I once thought that way, and honestly still have to correct my unconscious assumptions that some people just don't understand.

[escapingman]

Thanks Square and SoT,

The best thing my solicitor said in our call was that uNPDx is emotionally unstable and need help. I wish more people could see that. Maybe they can in time? My solicitor had a bit of a running at me today but she said she was only playing devils advocate with me to make sure I used the right phrases when speaking to social services. I get her, but it is still so hard.

Evening has been better, been out walking with SG which seems to be her new evening activity. I am worried about GC and what is going on there, but I have no control and if I went there I would end up being arrested.

[escapingman]

I really want to know what people are picturing when they say "but why didn't you stop the abuse?"

I mean, do they think an abuser will stand down if someone sats "now, now, dear."

Or are they thinking a man will, like, pin her down on the floor while she kicks and screams? And think that's a reasonable solution? They don't see any problems with that?

I really wanna know what such people think. I guess they must think that everyone is reasonable, so if you just explain it right, problem solved. And I guess I have to admit I once thought that way, and honestly still have to correct my unconscious assumptions that some people just don't understand.

I talked about this with my solicitor, and the reason I didn't interfere, or to be honest I tried for a long time, but it escalates it. When things were at it worst, if I would have interfered it would have ended up with either me being punched in my face, or me having to wrestle uNPDx to the floor and then risk being seen as the abuser myself.

Thanks you square, you get it and you advice is always so good.

[Gettintired76]

I understand the whole damned if you do damned if you don't situation em it maddening.

[escapingman]

I really got into a state about this now, uNPDx is trying to gaslight everybody about that I am the abused and also that I am now stealing money, all whilst she is continuing abusing GC behind closed doors and is the one actually stealing money. I am trying to take control of the situation and ignore all of her false accusations and be one step ahead. But this is hard, how many people buy her lies and how much can I just ignore. I know what she is doing, I know how she thinks, but it's not a normal way of thinking.

[Gettintired76]

Yes, thinking is very warped, my ex has shame/blamed SG into being taken from her, she swears I committed the most horrendous abuses on her and the children, and sadly everyone seems to be siding with her. Its all so sad EM, my prayers go to both of us that our situations are finally recognized. Luckily for me the courts are finally opening their eyes and see how she really is.

[guitarman]

It sounds like your wife is becoming quite unstable. I am familiar with that kind of behaviour. Her unstable behaviour and lies will leak out. It's difficult to maintain lies as you have to remember what lies you told and to whom. Others will begin to see it all for what it is. Her stories won't make sense and will begin to contradict each other.

It's such a stressful time for you. Take pride in all that you've done to help yourself and your children. It's not at all easy. We all know that.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

I am doing all I can to as quickly as possible remove all dependency or entanglement with her. I am taking over all accounts so she can't interfere with anything. Soon the only thing she has that I want is GC. That's bad, but at least there will only be one thing she can use, and as you say GM, she will be found out soon. Hopefully GC can see through her and end up at home at some point. Right now I am just waiting for confirmation I can take exactly 50% of all joint money and leave the rest for her and then stop any further financial abuse from her. I am not doing anything unless I have it in writing from my solicitor that I can do it.

This is really a roller coaster of feelings, one minute I am feeling like I am walking on clouds just to feel seriously depressed the next. I need to get some routines and activities into the calendar, not just work, divorce related or taking care of SG. SG need to become a little bit more independent, but it's hard to push it. She just about manage to be on her own for 10 minutes when I nip out to the convenience store for a loaf of bread.

[hhaw]

I don't know what else this Judge needs to take GC from the admitted abuser and put her back into the family home.

Once GC is there, she might lose her mind and be violent and lash out at you and SG.  I don't know what you'll do to handle that,but I worry about SG's safety most of all.

You have evidence to show what you've been doing while you and children have been abused.  You tried to leave, you went to the police a couple times, you talked to the DV people.....not that you acted on it, but YOU considered action while hoping your wife could be helped.

You went to T with her.  She was a T on her own.  You left once... I think. Maybe twice.

That's what it looks like when a parent is trying to deal with an abusive spouse and KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER for all the reasons people do.

Leaving meant the kids would be alone with their abuser... without you to protect them, to the degree you could.

The abuse seemed to be kicked off by your presense often, so leaving seemed like a reasonable idea...it does.

But leaving children with an abuser is a special kind of fear..... and that's what the Court is allowing right now.  It's what you're being forced to allow,bc yuo don't have the power to stop the abuse or to remove GC from the abuser's control.

Or do you?

Since stbx is admitting to being an abuser...now.... CAN you ask for another emergency hearing based on her admissiong PLUS the evidence you have?  I think everyone agrees allowing a child to be under the control of an abuser is a bad situation, right?

Still..... I worry GC coming back into the family home will be like stbx placing a bomb in the home and lighting the fuse.  The alienation has to be addressed.... there should be a plan for dealing with it, IME.

[escapingman]

I won't get an emergency hearing, nothing will change until social services has completed their report. The only chance I have right now is that social services interfere and order GC to be removed from uNPDx, this is unlikely and my solicitor think the chance of that is near nil. I will however try to push for it, I am concerned, really concerned about what kind of abuse is going on with uNPDx and uNPDmil sharing the same house with GC in it. I now their dynamic and it isn't good, they go from being best friends to ripping each other apart to both giving each other the silent treatment and then back to best friends and so on.

I saw GC on my way to school with SG, she looked so unhappy and looked like she was crying or had been crying. I was driving and in traffic so could not stop, not that she would have spoken to me anyway. I just wanted to jump out of the car and cuddle her, why can't I do that? She is my daughter. I need to keep this together and let uNPDx dig her own grave, she is doing a good job so far but is it enough?

[losingmyself]

EM, my heart broke when you described seeing your baby girl looking upset, and knowing there's nothing you can do about it in that moment. I'm so sorry...
I know it'll be a difficult road if you get her back into your home, but I will keep praying that it happens sooner rather than later for you all, so that healing can begin. 
God bless.

[hhaw]

I wonder what the school counselor is saying about GC and SG at this time. 

Is that counselor on board or working against you or in the loop at all?  Are the girls receiving any time with the counselor?

I'm afraid to suggest anything,bc I don't know all the players,but I'm sure of a couple things....

when the formal investigation begins, your stbx will either create evidence or portray herself in a certain very alarming light to gain the favor and best report from that reporter.

If you do what I did.....
try not to appear like youi're trying to unduly influence that reporter.....you'll likely be at a disadvantage and have to spend twice as much, take twice the time and worry 10X more before getting the Court and investigation back on track.

If I couldgo back....I'd' have had that notebook and shown it to everyone.....
if I could go back....
I think I'm trying to go back in my own timeline,  through your journey, Em.

I apologize for repeating myself so much. I think I see it like I'm yelling back through time,trying to save myself so much trauma, but this is your journey and it seems everyone has to do it their own way, which is how we learn and grow.

My heart breaks for GC and for SG.... this too shall pass.

[escapingman]

hhaw, I am trying to push it as much as I can without pushing the social workers. So far I think they are on my side, but I don't know. uNPDx accused me of being an alcoholic, they asked me about it and almost laughed at the accusation looking at me. School is involved, but it is the social worker that is having the contact with the girls in school. So far I think everyone is onboard and on my side, but most seems to think that the "crime" is not serious enough to take GC off her. I need to play the slow game and let uNPDx trip herself up as many times she needs to until she falls flat on her face. I was ready to show my evidence to the social workers today, but I could feel the situation that I need more trust with them before.

uNPDx did another stunt as well today, this will be documented and shared with all involved. I written before about this shared activity where the girls have back to back appointments. uNPDx is now inventing that she needs something from the house for every of these appointments, this time it was a few items coming from GC. They wanted a swap over inside the house of this activity, or more likely uNPDx wanted SG  to deliver the items to her car. I told SG this is not fair to anyone and this place is not for delivering items, if they want the stuff GC can come and collect it from me just before as I am in the car next to them. She never did and uNPDx looked furious towards us when SG never went to her car and I started the engine.  uNPDx takes, then takes, takes a bit more, takes again and gives nothing. I am done with it, even these small things.

[hhaw]

It's difficult to pull the train back onto the tracks, than to keep it on the tracks, IME.

If the social worker believed the stbx in that first meeting at stbx's home..... it's possible the social worker will see everything though stbx's filters.

Just saying.... the social worker can't turn the facts against you.  IF she tries, she'll have to admit yu gave them to her and she, for some reason was too biased to consider that evidence in favor ot belieiving the stbx's made up fairy tale stories.

[escapingman]

hhaw, I got the impression the social worker already decided what she will report to court and nothing bar uNPDx losing control in front of her will change her mind. I told her I wasn't happy with it and that there is severe risk for harm but she said not until someone reports severe harm she will change her mind to any immediate actions. I asked her how this harm would be reported with uNPDx exercising her abuse behind closed doors and GC unlikely to go against her mum and tell anyone, she couldn't answer that. This all despite SG already had a meeting with the social worker and had given a detailed story about how much happier she is now with uNPDx out of the house and how calm it is at home. I suppose these social workers are dealing with many other cases with much more overt abuse and has the belief if it isn't visible it isn't that bad.

I felt reasonable good yesterday, but then again the stress got to me and SG with uNPDx again trying to interfere with demands during this shared activity. This time as I mentioned earlier by putting pressure on SG through GC. GC hasn't hardly been in touch and then suddenly comes up with all these things she needs from home including things for uNPDx. Then SG getting angry with me as she doesn't want to get involved in adult things, and rightly so, but uNPDx acting like she can see SG 5 minutes outside this activity on her terms and then that's it for a week is not acceptable. The only reason for uNPDx to do that is to try to pull SG over in her team, because as long as SG is not against me she is not accepted by uNPDx.

I am going mad with this, why can't people see????

[hhaw]

EM:

You need your own forensic T to put up against the social worker's opinion, ime.

Someone specializing in alienation and emotional harm if you can find them.

There will likely be Ts working in your court system who might be accepted and carry clout OR you find someone with lots of experience willing to do a work up in your time frame then testify, if necessary.

I wouldn't want to let dum dum social worker's report go unchallenged if she doesn't get it and refuses to advocate for your girls.

The adult conflict is harming the children....
stbx's refusal to STOP involving the children and forcing them to choose sides, lash out at each other, at you is unacceptable and stbx's time with the girls should be limited and supervised until she shows she can be approrpriate with them.

I can't believe a Judge would normally base decisions as important as cutody and temporary custody based on what feels like this huge sweeping paint brush the social worker uses and is unable to discern between broken bones and  ANY emotional harm.  That seems 20 years behind current researh, which is where the Courts are in the US regarding DV and old theories.  Our courts present 20 year old theories like they're up to date and they don't care what the truth is.

FIND someone who knows the updated statistics, the harm and the ability to speak to your Judge and gain understanding...if yu can.

[guitarman]

Hopefully GC will know about Childline from school and maybe call them. If not the teachers or social workers should tell her.

For those who don't know it's a free phone service in the UK that children can call to get help.

It's one way that children can speak out and report abuse.

https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone
0800 1111

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.