How to let go of that "rescuer" urge

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband talked to PDmil this week, and apparently she brought up the idea of visiting this fall. I had a minor anxiety attack when he told me... she just visited last September, and we have been telling ourselves that there's simply no way financially that she'd be able to visit on a yearly basis.

My first response was, "Nope. No way. Absolutely not." My husband is being more wishy-washy. I'd been planning on visiting my family in the fall, so his idea is that we could schedule the visits to overlap. On the one hand, I'd LOVE to get a free pass to not deal with PDmil. On the other hand, I have an equally strong urge to not leave her alone with my husband. In the past, she has used my absence as an excuse to be more abusive/domineering toward him. I know it's not my responsibility to be a buffer, but that codependent instinct to rescue and protect is still soooooo strong.

Any advice?

[Andeza]

If he wants to put himself in the firing line, that's his business. I'd be saying "You do you, leave me out of it. Your mom, your choice."

[square]

It's his choice but you can tell him you would like him to tell MIL no.

[notrightinthehead]

My experience is that I can do nothing about my feelings/rescuer urge/ wish to protect. I just have to feel them and let them wash through me. I can do a lot, however, about the way I act/respond/behave.  I have been increasingly successful in taking my time, let feelings do their turmoil dance, maybe write them down, and then act from a position of clarity and kindness.
For you, this might look something like this: You do not want to have contact with MIL. There is a way to avoid contact. ( The answer seems there.) Your husband wants contact with his mother. You respect your husband and his wishes. You take a step back and let him do what he wants, and bear the consequences for his actions. You do not get into the 'I told you so.' mode, you are just supportive and detached afterwards. Like you would be if he has a hang over after a night out with his friends. You might bring him tea but you will let him suffer the consequences for his actions by himself.

[Boat Babe]

The rescue urge is strong in me. All I can do these days is notice it when it arises, examine the urge, the person and the situation calmly, and then make a considered decision, using my front brain and not the urge.

What I'm learning is that I will always have some of the patterns based on childhood experiences but, they do not have to dominate my internal landscape (breathing/meditation etc) and neither do they inform my decisions and my behaviour (mostly).

[Adria]

Hi Cat,

I agree with the others.  I would go visit your family and have a nice time.  Let your dh deal with his mom his way.  I've found that when I've stepped back in this situation, (MIL visited every year for two to three weeks) dh got it full blast and it brought him closer to me afterwards.  Sometimes it takes awhile, but I think they learn better when we are not in the middle.  Wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you all for the suggestions. Especially the idea of allowing the "rescuer" feelings to exist within me without the urge to immediately "do" something about it.

I also had a bit of an epiphany, which has made me thankful for this, in a way.

All things considered, MIL's last visit wasn't as atrocious as we assumed it would/could be. So why am I so triggered by the thought of her returning?

After sitting with it for a while, I realized that I have stayed in Gray Rock mode for too long. Gray Rock is survival mode, and it made sense when we lived closer and MIL had more opportunity to impose on us at her will. Now that we live farther away, there is very little she can do to thwart our boundaries in any meaningful way. And yet I still force myself to GR through her abuse and bad behavior. No wonder I'm anxious. I fear the "unknown" of exactly WHAT I'll be subjected to this time.

Now is the time to begin transitioning from a rock into a Medium Chill ninja. Instead of worrying and preparing myself to bite my tongue through her racist comments and intrusive questions, I will set appropriate boundaries in the moment. If I can do that, I think (most of) the panic and anxiety will subside.

[Boat Babe]

Next level Recovery. Yay!

[Breakthrough]

I would be 100% ok with leaving my husband alone with his NPD mom.  He often tries to avoid her when they visit and dumps her on me. I would love to be NC with her but I have to settle for VLC because my husband wants a relationship with her (but seems to prefer to dump her on me when she does visit).  If he wants to see her when you go see your family, I would say do it.  You don't need to save him, it's his choice if he wants a relationship with her.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, it's your home and you decide who gets to come when, so, "Absolutely not," is absolutely a valid answer. This fall doesn't work for you sorry the end.

As to the idea of overlapping visits to weasel out of seeing her. I would also have a hard time with my DH wanting to see his family alone. And I would never okay a visit in my home if I'm not even there. But I'm NC with them all, so... that means I have a problem with him seeing them at all. That seems controlling maybe...

However. If he sees them I know historically what the effect on him has been and then, however good my boundaries are, I get to live with the effect on him while he denies there is any. It sucks. And I find it very hurtful to me because he is preoccupied and spaced out on his FOC. So even though I'm NC, it still hurts me that he wants closer relationships with those who have abused his wife. He hasn't gone to therapy or done any serious work around it, so if nothing changes nothing changes. I call it like I see it and remain not okay with visits, even though he may have the right to do it anyway. I don't have to shield him from the consequences in our relationship of pursuing closeness with Mil and FIL.

Your mileage may vary, but I think your discomfort with the two of them together alone is valid and not necessarily just the urge to rescue in a codependent way. Who knows what assaults are going on against your marriage in your absence? Why invite the enemy in without full defenses at the ready? I really like what you say about being ready to set boundaries in the moment. And you can't practice that if you are not there, can you? 

"It wasn't that bad..." Sounds like she was on good behavior maybe but you know better than to trust it. I'm seeing you ready to protect your turf and your family rather than take a tactical retreat and deal with the mess afterwards.

BUT if she does end up coming, just promise me you'll leave a dog-earred copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," lying around!

[bee well]

Hi Cat of the Canals,

I don't go with my DH everytime he visits inlaws, and that has saved me from a lot of abuse.

I think the idea of him seeing her on his own is a valid choice. BUT my comfort with it would depend on DH's susceptibility to MIL.

DH does come back from his alone visits with cases of "fleas." It depends on the length of the visit. It's hard to explain, but I can see in his ways of interacting that he's been around MIL.

He still comes home with some fleas, just not as many.

I tried pointing out his fleas. Didn't work. So I stopped doing that. I also try not to comment as much when he reports the absurdity of what goes on during the visits.

I weigh my decisions on what my state is at the time. Do I have the emotional bandwidth to deal with her? Would it be worse for me to deal with the flak for not going? Do I want to get the visit over with?  No matter how I decide to deal with her, it requires energy.

I definitely would not want my MIL in my home while I am not there.

As far as the "it wasn't that bad" goes, in my case everytime I go into that mindset, "Wham," she "pulls another one."

My MIL is supposed to come in September, so I feel for you.

This time DH is going back to her house, alone. I've decided not to go. She is incensed that DH booked them a hotel last time (found out about that after the fact), and will this time too.

I would not allow MIL in my home while I am not there.

You have options. As Call Me Cordelia pointed out, on of them is No. Booking her a hotel might also be another one.

Rock on with your medium chill!

[Cat of the Canals]

BUT if she does end up coming, just promise me you'll leave a dog-earred copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," lying around!

Hahahaha...you really shouldn't be putting these ideas in my head! 

Booking her a hotel might also be another one.

One of the things we decided when we moved was that we weren't going to have a guest room, which means there is simply no option for either of our PD parents to stay in our house. House guests in general are very triggering for me (PD mom thinks of herself as the Queen of Hostesses), so I knew from the beginning that I'd lose my mind if I had to deal with either set of parents for 24 hours straight. 

There's a been another development in that apparently my SIL wants to come along on the visit. That would be a good thing for two reasons -- the first is that she's lovely and probably the only reason my husband has any relationship with his parents at all. He's almost 15 years her senior, so when we first started dating, she was still a little kid, and we chose to spend time with them because we liked spending time with her. The second is that now that SIL is grown, I think MIL is generally better behaved when she's around.

[bee well]

 You said, "I knew from the beginning that I'd lose my mind if I had to deal with either set of parents for 24 hours straight."

Same here...we don't have a guest room anymore, ergo the hotel. MIL thinks we should just put a mattress down somewhere. (MIL, in a recent conversation: "We can sleep in the garage.." then she winks...Us:  ) Unfortunately Inlaws have a guest room and we stay in it when we go up there. We are still not to the point of hotel for us in MIL territory.

Re: that "Queen of the Hostesses" bit: that's so maddening, ugh!

You wrote:
"There's a been another development in that apparently my SIL wants to come along on the visit. That would be a good thing for two reasons -- the first is that she's lovely and probably the only reason my husband has any relationship with his parents at all. He's almost 15 years her senior, so when we first started dating, she was still a little kid, and we chose to spend time with them because we liked spending time with her. The second is that now that SIL is grown, I think MIL is generally better behaved when she's around."

Glad to hear that! SIL could balance out the MIL effect, and you'd have the added benefit of SIL's company.  ...Another parallel here. When BIl is along MIL seems to be less aggressive...

Fortunately you've had advance notice to prepare for how you want to approach the visit, however it folds out.

[Pepin]

BUT if she does end up coming, just promise me you'll leave a dog-earred copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," lying around!

Hahahaha...you really shouldn't be putting these ideas in my head! 

Booking her a hotel might also be another one.

One of the things we decided when we moved was that we weren't going to have a guest room, which means there is simply no option for either of our PD parents to stay in our house. House guests in general are very triggering for me (PD mom thinks of herself as the Queen of Hostesses), so I knew from the beginning that I'd lose my mind if I had to deal with either set of parents for 24 hours straight. 

There's a been another development in that apparently my SIL wants to come along on the visit. That would be a good thing for two reasons -- the first is that she's lovely and probably the only reason my husband has any relationship with his parents at all. He's almost 15 years her senior, so when we first started dating, she was still a little kid, and we chose to spend time with them because we liked spending time with her. The second is that now that SIL is grown, I think MIL is generally better behaved when she's around.

I can relate to all of this as well.  Current house has no guest room -- hotel is where it is at.  And no, couch surfing is not allowed.  Time for everyone to be an adult!

When we used to host CN MIL, it would be so much better when another relative would also join because it kept CN MIL in more of a neutral place.  And for the most part, she'd actually be quiet because the rest of us would be having *normal* conversation.  Since she couldn't monopolize DH to herself, she had nothing to say.