5 days ago

[SonofThunder]

Absolutely....
Ya.

+1   

Great job StartingHealing.  Your understanding, analysis and conclusions sound very healthy and deeply observant.

SoT

.... There were lessons learned.  Take those lessons and move forward with the wisdom those lessons provided you.   

....I can already see where the lessons I have learned will be extremely useful.... 1 out of 25. 

.... do the work necessary for healthy boundaries.   

At least for this moment, I am safe,  I am secure.  I can look forward with confidence as I know that I am strong enough, I am smart enough, I am wise enough to step into the wheel house of my life, and captain it successfully.

StartingHealing,

I agree fully that life so far with two PD's has not been wasted, but has been a training and a proving ground.  I have learned to have thick skin and still retain a tender heart and for that I am grateful. Hoping the rest of my life will be well utilized in taking the traits, education, skills, awareness and high-radar and put it to good use in improving both my mental and physical health, but also in assistance of others both older and younger who will deal with the 1 in 25. 

I will use the past to guide my future to recognize and detour around the 1 in 25.  Like you i will continue to design, implement and revise boundaries for my own self protection, but yet not limiting true love for my fellow human beings. 

So glad you are now safe and secure and encouraged by your knowledge, self confidence and wisdom gained through education and experience, as well as insight developed through that wisdom and high radar working together. 

All the best on your journey forward,

SoT

[StartingHealing]

This may not be the right place for this but since I am starting the healing process.. Found this:

https://www.youtube.com/c/RICHARDGRANNON

Amazing content.  Currently listening to Narcissism: why you can't get over them w/Sam Vaknin 

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all.  20 days on Update: 

Divorce paperwork should be filed some time next week.  What I have found interesting is that my attitude towards her has changed a great deal.  At the beginning I was very concerned on being "reasonable" on not really standing up for myself rather my attitude was more of the same old caretaking that I had been doing prior to her forced evacuation off the property.  I am now more self focused.  Due in part to the feedback I have been receiving from other people that have had the unfortunate experience of going through a relationship with a person with a PD.

The year long order of protection was served on her on the 12th.  I'm so very grateful that I have been provided a means of no contact.  With legal protections in place if she does contact me. 

I really do hope that she gets the help that she needs.  It's not going to come through me.  Additionally, she is able to work it's that she flat didn't want to.  Part and parcel of her manifestation of her mental illness. 

The initial filing will be me having 0 payments towards spousal support and with the lowest amount of equity provided to her. I did throw out a possibility that I am already paying the debt monthly that I am willing to accept 100% of the debt in exchange for her share of the equity of the house. 

I do have evidence in the amazon order lists, and joint accounts statements that show her financial wastage.  As my attorney has told me, the further out of the usual the filing is, the more evidence is needed to show the reason why the deviation from the usual filings.  And he also stated that even though it's not supposed to matter, he also indicated that having the DV, and proof of purchase of a online adult dating app access, does not reflect well on her.  Another thing that doesn't reflect well is her lack of financial contributions to the marriage. 

I know that the initial filing is just the first salvo in a possible long drawn out situation. 

Peace

[escapingman]

This may not be the right place for this but since I am starting the healing process.. Found this:

https://www.youtube.com/c/RICHARDGRANNON

Amazing content.  Currently listening to Narcissism: why you can't get over them w/Sam Vaknin

Videos with Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin are amazing, but they are very deep and I feel I need to be in right space for them. I listen to Narcdaily every day, that is a great way for me to start my days as Andrew upload one video of 10-15 minutes every night. Also, Les Carter and Dr Ramani are great when I need more at any point. I also started watching Rebecca Zung who I think is great for me right now when going through a divorce.

I did it very much like you describe when I started the divorce process, I wanted to do it gentle and not upset uNPDx to much. I still tried to caretake her through the divorce, this was a mistake by me and only set me back in time and also gave her time to smear me and alienate me to the children. Since I let go of all that and put me first, second and third things are going much better and it also benefits the kids who automatically get higher on the list with uNPDx not being caretaken for. I hope for her best and that she gests help, but as you say, it's not my job to get her that help, that is someone else's job.

Good luck in your continued journey!

[StartingHealing]

This may not be the right place for this but since I am starting the healing process.. Found this:

https://www.youtube.com/c/RICHARDGRANNON

Amazing content.  Currently listening to Narcissism: why you can't get over them w/Sam Vaknin

Videos with Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin are amazing, but they are very deep and I feel I need to be in right space for them. I listen to Narcdaily every day, that is a great way for me to start my days as Andrew upload one video of 10-15 minutes every night. Also, Les Carter and Dr Ramani are great when I need more at any point. I also started watching Rebecca Zung who I think is great for me right now when going through a divorce.

I did it very much like you describe when I started the divorce process, I wanted to do it gentle and not upset uNPDx to much. I still tried to caretake her through the divorce, this was a mistake by me and only set me back in time and also gave her time to smear me and alienate me to the children. Since I let go of all that and put me first, second and third things are going much better and it also benefits the kids who automatically get higher on the list with uNPDx not being caretaken for. I hope for her best and that she gests help, but as you say, it's not my job to get her that help, that is someone else's job.

Good luck in your continued journey!

Good luck to you as well escapingman.   We will get through this, get back on our square, and enjoy a life without all the "crap" .  What a fantastic image for me right now. 

[SonofThunder]

This may not be the right place for this but since I am starting the healing process.. Found this:

https://www.youtube.com/c/RICHARDGRANNON

Amazing content.  Currently listening to Narcissism: why you can't get over them w/Sam Vaknin

Videos with Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin are amazing, but they are very deep and I feel I need to be in right space for them. I listen to Narcdaily every day, that is a great way for me to start my days as Andrew upload one video of 10-15 minutes every night. Also, Les Carter and Dr Ramani are great when I need more at any point. I also started watching Rebecca Zung who I think is great for me right now when going through a divorce.

I did it very much like you describe when I started the divorce process, I wanted to do it gentle and not upset uNPDx to much. I still tried to caretake her through the divorce, this was a mistake by me and only set me back in time and also gave her time to smear me and alienate me to the children. Since I let go of all that and put me first, second and third things are going much better and it also benefits the kids who automatically get higher on the list with uNPDx not being caretaken for. I hope for her best and that she gests help, but as you say, it's not my job to get her that help, that is someone else's job.

Good luck in your continued journey!

Good luck to you as well escapingman.   We will get through this, get back on our square, and enjoy a life without all the "crap" .  What a fantastic image for me right now.

Amen. +1

SoT

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

Been chewing through 2 years of text messages. It's becoming apparent that she had an minor "issue" every WEEK and then a major issue once a month. 

And I had an insight into the sexual aspect of the marriage.

Multiple aspects that worked together for me to take a step back, to take a wait and see attitude towards sex.  I would also say that according to her, I was supposed to be the one to initiate every single time.  And when I did, she would deny me.  Like usual, I'm the one at fault.  SMH  The fantasy that she created.. I still get angry at times.

Parentification.  I mean, if I'm the responsible one, I'm being an functional adult, yet she put herself into the role of "weak child".. Uh, that right there is a total turn off for me personally.  You know?  Not to mention the expectation that I was X, next scene, I'm supposed to be Y, etc. etc.

The scripting that was painfully evident towards the end.  One of the last times we did have sex, I did some ad-libbing as it were, and holy sh_t her reaction to that was horrendous.  Went right into the shame, guilt, insults, .

Sigh.

Then add in the abuse aspect.  Plus splitting towards me.

Then add in the feeling that she was fighting me on a covert level when it came to the financial aspects of the family. 

The attractive aspects that she did have got covered over with all this bull_-it. 

Another lesson learned. 

Peace

[SonofThunder]

StartingHealing,

Yes its surely interesting to look back and piece it together.  My stbx expected me to initiate as well.  Longest period of time I went sexless was 1 year; a combo of denials and I wasn't in the mood to pet the dog that bites me. 

That expectation to initiate is such a narcissistic supply feed.  The only times she ever initiated was 1. To belittle me for NOT initiating after a PD drama episode or 2. After sex she would ask me for my ok for an expensive purchase.  Other that that it was the man's 'role' to initiate.  She was so anti 'role' except for the areas that fed her supply.  #hypocrite

SoT

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing,

Yes its surely interesting to look back and piece it together.  My stbx expected me to initiate as well.  Longest period of time I went sexless was 1 year; a combo of denials and I wasn't in the mood to pet the dog that bites me. 

That expectation to initiate is such a narcissistic supply feed.  The only times she ever initiated was 1. To belittle me for NOT initiating after a PD drama episode or 2. After sex she would ask me for my ok for an expensive purchase.  Other that that it was the man's 'role' to initiate.  She was so anti 'role' except for the areas that fed her supply.  #hypocrite

SoT

I would also like to add in trust.  I didn't trust her in most things. 

[escapingman]

Very interesting comments SH and SoT. It was the same for me, I had to initiate and most of the times she enjoyed rejecting me. Then I stopped initiating and she complained and said it's a mans job to initiate, so next time I initiated she rejected me again. Those times she didn't reject it was pretty bad anyway as she was only trying to find a reason to stop in the middle of the act and make a complaint about me. I decided years ago I rather never have sex again in my life than ever having it with her again, that was years ago.

[StartingHealing]

Very interesting comments SH and SoT. It was the same for me, I had to initiate and most of the times she enjoyed rejecting me.

Oh yes, I could see the glee in her eyes when she would shut me down.  And then later bitch and complain about how I NEVER initiated.  Like what???

Then I stopped initiating and she complained and said it's a mans job to initiate, so next time I initiated she rejected me again.

Let me guess, she was also complaining about how you didn't do what she wanted in regards to initiating sex?  Or you were but she changed the script on you and failed to mention anything.  Seriously, it was like I was supposed to be able to read her mind.  But she couldn't / wouldn't maintain anything that I asked for.


Those times she didn't reject it was pretty bad anyway as she was only trying to find a reason to stop in the middle of the act and make a complaint about me. 

EscapingMan, that is really harsh!!! DAMN.    Once we did get going it was ok but like I said, couldn't ad-lib at all.  She would bitch and complain about how I wasn't leading in the bedroom but at the same time, every time I attempted to lead, got shot down.

I decided years ago I rather never have sex again in my life than ever having it with her again, that was years ago.

I tried to keep the sexual aspect going but adding in all the factors?  Nah, flat couldn't do it.
At the beginning, I had a fairly high sex drive, 3x a week or more, but over the years, the erosion of that paralleled her increasing levels of abuse.  Being mind-f'd has that effect I guess.

[