triangulation and NPD sisters and mom

[KrisFC7]

This is my first post and will probably be long winded. I apologize in advance for that.  My mother had several personality disorders.  We believe a lot of it stemmed from her abusive childhood.  She did seek help and treatment over the years. I am one of 5, the middle child and second girl. I have an older brother and sister and younger brother and sister. Our parents divorced in the early 80's. I didn't realize it for several years, how singled out and ghosted myself and my younger brother were by our mother. Older brother of course acted as the surrogate father and my mother leaned on him way too much. My older sister demanded attention, had to be overly dramatic, fabricate stories about herself and anyone else, and youngest clung to our mom like super glue. I don't think my brother and myself truly cared much as we recieved love from our father and grandmother.
As years went by and we headed into middle school is when my older sister changed. I was always very good to her and if she found out a boy liked me, she made sure to make a lie up to anyone. So that would dash any attention on me. This went on for several years, she would fabricate lies and drag our mom into the fights in front of these gentlemen that wanted to date me ( in my 20's) she would make me cry and beg her forgiveness on hands and knees over nothing I did. Except the fact not everyone guy liked her. Every time she would swear to keep a promise, she always broke it. She got really bad about it the older we have become. She would always find a relative I was close with, my mom at times or younger sister, and tell them things I had said but added her own twist so they'd not speak to me.  My younger sister started doing this as well.  My older sister is a mental health specialist but is a classic type A N.  To the letter. Everyone likes hee everyone wants to be like her, she's more beautiful and successful than anyone else etc.  Older sister always catches me at my lowest moments and pounces just to get enough info and drops you. And moves on to the next sibling. It's constant.  She turned the youngest sister against me and older brother. 
In Jan both sisters informed older brother our mom had pancreatic cancer. Our mom didn't reach out to myself or younger brother. I hadn't seen her in 20 years.  Her PD were very abusive to myself and younger brother most our lives. Oldest siblings didn't want to care for her and wanted us to quit our jobs and leave our children and homes behind ( our jobs wouldn't have allowed 6 months off ) so they didn't have to give up anything. Because we refused to, it caused a lot of tension.  Our mother passed away and left younger sister as executor.  Which is shocking since she can't plan or handle anything. But left her everything.  If that didn't say she was the favorite. My sister is 43, and she believes if something is morally wrong if our mom said it was ok it was ok to do it.  She will likely be relying on our eldest sister for the ok now.
Little sister has sworn she has MS. She doesn't. I had been with her for the tests and they're all negative and show nothing. But yet she uses that excuse for pity.
I don't know if these behaviors with my sisters have always been there and I turned a cheek but our father even wrote them off because it's not right to be that cruel to people. I wish I could say my sisters are good people but even their former classmates said they never were.  I don't understand why they are that way.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! What a family! I am so glad to read that you have a family of your own and keep your distance to your family of origin. They don't sound healthy at all.
Have you studied the Toolbox? You might find some ideas on how to behave when you have to deal with your family going forward.  It seems that your siblings all have their own life and if you don't want to, you don't need to have anything to do with them from now on.  As sad as that is, but not every family is kind, loving, supportive- and these are the attributes of people we want in our life.  You might have to do some grieving on what you missed out on, and that is all part of the healing process. See you around on the boards!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I have had no contact with her for over two and a half years since our mother passed away. I have other non PD supportive siblings.

You seem to be very insightful about what is going on in your family and your role in it.

Abusers are all about power and control. The smear campaigns you've experienced are cruel and vindictive.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better. I have learnt a lot from her.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I make sure to watch her regular twice weekly videos to help keep me grounded and on track.

I have found Mindfulness meditations of great help to me. I was prescribed a course by my doctor many years ago and have continued ever since.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks.

www.tarabrach.com

My golden rule is to stay calm no matter what happens. Staying calm is my super power. Practising Mindfulness meditations helps me to remain calm.

I have learnt not to feed my sister's narcissistic supply. She knew exactly how to push all my buttons to provoke me into anger and get the reaction that she so desperately craved.

Like one of your sisters she said she had serious physical life threatening illnesses. She exaggerated them and self diagnosed new ones frequently.

I am living with depression and probably CPTSD because of all the trauma I have experienced for decades. Other people really don't understand what we have had to endure for years.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.