My feelings ignored

[yarlanzey]

So I had to spend a day with two family members.. They weren't awful, just a bit fake and annoying in my opinion. Anyway one thing really upset me, and that was that one family member mentioned that they were going to a particular place of business and the other family said something like, oh yeah the people who run that business are related to a friend of Yarlan Zey's (i.e. me, and that's not my real name by the way).

Now, that "friend" is a horrific narcissist. I had to go no contact with him and everyone else in that "friend" group, even though not all of them were toxic. That "friend" was the worst of all.

Any family member I've spoken to about my updated feelings about the friend group, or toxics within the family, has just not listened to me really. But it's been years since I've had anything to do with the group, come on. I think some of it just comes from that fake, annoying place I mentioned, but it's still horrible. I guess part of my identity now is the fact that I've moved on from a lot of toxic crap, so when people ignore that it's really hard.

So anyway not feeling great about the world lately. I'm going to minimise contact with people who can't face the reality of the fact that there are toxic people everywhere

[Danie]

If I'm understanding you correctly you are quite upset that your family members don't believe you've changed your ways by not being friends with a known narcissist?

Were your family members holding that against you? It appears you are spending time with the family members because you're conversing with them.

It's good you've made a healthy choice by not associating with him anymore if it's causing issues for you. If you know you're doing something more positive then really who cares what your family thinks? Give yourself credit for learning to make a change.

It's good to get the facts straight before you draw conclusions. Could you ask them what they're thinking?

I know we all talk certain ways at times, but thinking there are people everywhere isn't the best thought to carry around it your head. Would you be willing to explain that, and maybe re-phrase that thought.

I hope your day got better. Just remember, feelings are just feelings, and they pass.

[yarlanzey]

No, I mean that family members don't accept my decision to leave a group of "friends". They don't know about the narcissism. When I tried to tell them I wasn't friends with them anymore, they responded in these kinds of ways:

more or less ignoring me and assuming I'd change my mind and forgive them
straight away assuming that if there was any problem, I was to blame
making out that I should have some superhuman ability to tolerate verbal and emotional abuse, public shaming etc. (an ability which they most certainly do not have)

Anyway it's hard to explain it all, and even if I did explain things perfectly chances are I'd still be misunderstood lol.

By "toxic people", the important part of that phrase was "toxic". Maybe you'd prefer "toxic idiots". I'm not American so my English may be different to what you're used to. By idiots I mean any kind of toxic person, I don't just mean low IQ toxic people. If Albert Einstein was toxic, he'd also be included in the definition.

By "everywhere", I meant that there can be toxic people in any setting, any group of people, any nationality, any religion or lack thereof, and so on and so forth.

As for asking them what they're thinking, again I'd run the risk of them not giving me a fair hearing and having a bias towards the abusers. And even if we had a constructive conversation they'd probably forget the whole thing instantly lol.

I don't care what anyone says, having your opinion completely ignored hurts. I guess it was compounded by other instances of being ignored lately. Maybe this site isn't for me really.

[Danie]

I didn't mean to put you on the spot to explain the toxic comment, and I agree their are toxic people, but for the purpose of this forum a comment like that is kind of maladaptive thinking.

More importantly, I think your issue is clearer now and that you are in the right place! I hope you can be patient and wait for the real experts to comment. I believe you will get validation and a new way to think about it. You are not wrong, at all, feeling badly about being ignored. There could be a number unfair of reasons why your family treats you this way and it's really difficult when you feel ganged-up on. It's important that you trust yourself and find a good solution for yourself.

[moglow]

By "toxic morons", the important part of that phrase was "toxic". Maybe you'd prefer "toxic idiots". I'm not American so my English may be different to what you're used to. By idiots I mean any kind of toxic person, I don't just mean low IQ toxic people. If Albert Einstein was toxic, he'd also be included in the definition.

Just a "housekeeping" response to this part: We ask that you not label *anyone* as morons, idiots, etc. Name calling just isn't on. We may firmly and totally disagree with the behavior and call it out for the toxicity that it is, but throw a demeaning name at it and all bets are off. Please describe the behavior, whatever it may be.

You may just have to firmly state, they're not my friends and haven't been for some time. Then refuse to discuss or listen to it further. Change the subject or end the conversation entirely if you feel so moved. Some people just aren't going to get [or even care] how hurtful their little proddings are. They try to laugh it off when there's nothing funny about it at all.

I've experienced that with family members I care for deeply - some repeatedly poked how much I reminded them of mommie dearest [there is admittedly a strong physical resemblance] and it was so insulting to me! My worst fear has always been, becoming that woman. Being like that woman or seen as her clone. She has few redeeming qualities and those "cute" comments by family really hurt, much as she had hurt me for so many years. It continued until literally just a few years ago when she showed [again] her true colors and hurt my brother - the one family member who'd defended her no matter what. Their tune changed because they finally saw who she really is and they didn't like it. It opened the floodgates for some honest conversations with them about how much their comments had hurt me and how deeply I despised the way mommie dearest treats people.

I'm learning to severely limit my exposure to and interaction with people who think they're being so funny, knowing and deliberately hurting others. Playful *mutual* teasing is one thing but when you know something is a sore point with someone and keep poking at it? Not cool at all.

[yarlanzey]

Okay thanks for the replies but I think I'll be deleting my account anyway, cheers.

One thing that really helped yesterday was some "harmless" humour, memes and stuff. Not nasty humour. I guess you have to see the funny side of living in this world.