When a PD fantasy becomes a "fact."

[Cat of the Canals]

So a few years back, I had a bit of a medical scare. Strange, unexplainable bloating in my abdomen that turned out to be two large ovarian cysts. It was extra stressful because I took a blood test that looks for cancer markers in your blood, and it came back positive. On top of that, PDmom and PDmil made it all about them, as you can imagine. (PDmil demanded she be allowed to come to the surgery -- H put the kibosh on that, thankfully -- and kept listing all of the people she's known who have died from ovarian cancer.)

The surgery went well. The biopsy on the cysts came back negative -- it turns out I have a chronic illness that can induce a false positive on the cancer marker test. My surgeon was able to leave both ovaries intact. All is well.

This was relayed and explained to MIL, but at some point maybe a year following my surgery, she said to my husband, out of the blue, "I'm sorry you can't have children." My husband was simultaneously baffled and also so deep in gray rock that he didn't ask her WTF she was talking about.

So now it's been a few years, and suddenly the comment has resurfaced -- PDmil's brother just had his first grandchild, and every time this baby comes up, MIL "apologizes" to my husband that we "can't have kids."

All along, I've been assuming that MIL must have read up on my chronic illness and noted that it's a common cause of fertility issues and just leaped to the conclusion that this is why we don't have kids. But my husband and I were discussing this recently, and I brought up this explanation, and he said no, that's not what he thinks is going on.

H: I think she thinks you had a hysterectomy.
Me: Uhhh... why would she think that?
H: Well when I was a kid, my stepmom had to have surgery. My mom, for some reason, decided it was a hysterectomy, even though I told her it wasn't. I mean, my stepmom got pregnant not long after that, so it was definitely not a hysterectomy.



Part of me is shocked that she is this unhinged, but if I'm honest, this is classic MIL:

• a novel/unexpected event happens (surgery! possible cancer diagnosis!!!)
• event is wrapped up in somewhat anticlimactic fashion (I'm perfectly fine.  )
• disappointed in the anticlimax, MIL begins fantasizing about what COULD have happened (I could have DIED! or had a hysterectomy and been rendered BARREN!)
• enchanted with her fantasy version of events, MIL eventually forgets what actually happened. fantasy is now fact. (me = uterus-less.)
• having forgotten the actual facts, MIL now has conversations with other people as if her fantasy version of events is real. ("I'm sorry you can't have kids.")

The silver lining is that it's gotten us out of the Grandkids Debate. Of course bringing up someone's supposed infertility at every opportunity is pretty awful behavior (also classic MIL), and there's simply no telling how many people she's told about my "infertility," but since it's not actually true, my husband and I just kind of chuckle about it.

Have your PDs ever invented this kind of alternate reality?

[Andeza]

Nothing to this extent. Well... I take that back. A few years back when DH was dealing with major medical issues with no diagnosis forthcoming, his uPDM started saying that the doctor had spoken to enFIL and told him that DH's symptoms were all in his head. Now, DH was a legal adult and had the doctor felt that they would have told him and recommended a different kind of treatment, and at the time *I* was also there and had been there in FIL's company every second of the visits to the prestigious (ha!) medical institution. At no point did a doctor ever speak to him privately. And I pinned her down by asking for verification if he had spoken to the doctor IN PERSON while at the institution or had they called after the fact. She answered back yes, it was in person. Knowing this was 100% physically impossible, I marked it as a bald-faced lie serving her purposes and perpetuating the version of reality she preferred. That being that DH was making up his symptoms and just needed to decide not to be affected anymore so everything could go back to normal. This from the same woman that was horrified when DH needed glasses and tried to deny it until she tried his glasses on and couldn't see anything right. She has always maintained that her children are PERFECTLY healthy and have zero issues whatsoever.

I'm of the opinion that many pwPDs (I don't know if this is cluster specific or just PD specific) live in a different version of reality as created by their delusions and desires. My uBPDm lives in a version of reality where she's constantly sick, no one loves her, and life has treated her unfairly. In reality, she's addicted to her medications and caused 90% of her symptoms by playing around with dosages and mixing things up, her family loves her but they're tired of the crap, and she's the one that's allowed her life to go to heck and not lifted a finger to improve it.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know and it's none of my business what your plans are/were/might be about kids and I am glad to hear your health scare turned out fine.

But your story just makes me chuckle as I wonder what you would do if you did have children in the future. "Well, no, MIL. Of course this baby is not mine. I am INFERTILE, remember? This baby is just living in my house. No, of course you can't be involved in the upbringing of a baby that isn't even mine..."

[engineer31]

I don't know if mine is to your extent. About a year after I had my first child, DH and I started talking about having another. We decided it was a good time and all that since we had just moved and I still hadn't found a job so I could be home for a bit. Well, I went off the pill but never actually told DH that I went off the pill. So when I got pregnant he was surprised. MIL asked if it was planned and he said no. MIL went around telling everyone that our pregnancy wasn't planned and I was LIVID. Still am. First at my husband for saying it wasn't planned just because he didn't know I was off the pill, and second because it's none of MIL's damn business if it was "planned" or not. We're married. But then to go around and tell everyone.... 

Also, we are NC so I heard this from my soon to be ex SIL who has moved away and cutting them all off as well and divorcing BIL that apparently MIL believes DH is only with me until he graduates because I'm the sole provider right now. It's become a running joke between me and DH how many days until he leaves me LOL

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey cat of the canals,

So glad your medical issues were resolved  successfully.

Your experience reminds me of how little truth and reality and facts mattered to the PDs in my family.

What mattered was the excitement of what could have happened...if real life is boring them, the drama can simply be invented. I think it's all about getting attention.

At the same time of course, real life suffering around them was discounted and denied, oh you don't have it that bad sort of thing.

At its core, narcissism is about manipulation. The PDs I have known have not felt obligated to respect the facts and the truth or the reality of life going on around them, and they often invent whatever story is needed in order to manipulate and create more narc supply (attention).

I can think of so many times that they lied to get attention. They would sometimes say things that get a reaction from most people.

Talking about your "infertility " makes sense....Either they will get a follow up from the person about the sad fact of your infertility, or an argument about their lie. Either way they get attention. These people are starved for attention. That's how I see it.

The inventing is very childish. Young children do this - and then grow out of it. But I guess PDs don't.

This is why grey rock is so valuable! Glad you and DH realize what she's doing with her "apologizing".

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, as someone who experienced Munchausen by proxy at the hands of my mother... yes. Yes yes yes. Created the reality from a small kernel of truth, and then dragged me around until she found a doctor to validate it and put me on loads of drugs for subjective symptoms. I had one or two genuine episodes that generated loads of supply and she wanted  to keep that gravy train a-rolling... all while wrapped in the sainted caring-compassionate mother pose. The psychology here looks very similar. The tell to me was her disappointment when I got better, and then suddenly my younger sibling started having similarly subjective chronic health problems...

You were an adult and I'm so glad you are okay, but also that you are away and in control of your own medical care and not vulnerable to her gaslighting you about your own health. What a shame and NO boundaries!

[Cat of the Canals]

She has always maintained that her children are PERFECTLY healthy and have zero issues whatsoever.

This is my PDmom. She asked about my diagnosis a single time, right after the surgery. "So now that you had surgery, you're cured, right?" I said, "The cysts are gone, but it's a chronic illness. There is no cure."

I am nothing more than a cherished toy to her, and she doesn't like toys with blemishes or defects.

But your story just makes me chuckle as I wonder what you would do if you did have children in the future. "Well, no, MIL. Of course this baby is not mine. I am INFERTILE, remember? This baby is just living in my house. No, of course you can't be involved in the upbringing of a baby that isn't even mine..."

Hahhaha, if we do have kids, I'm going to have to remember that.

I would think she'd be mortified at being so very uninformed and presumptuous, but she'd probably manage to be annoyed that we "could have had kids this whole time!"

MIL asked if it was planned and he said no. MIL went around telling everyone that our pregnancy wasn't planned and I was LIVID.

That she had the nerve to ask is bad enough, but telling everyone? I know PDmil would do the same. She's intrusive as all get out and loves having a juicy bit of gossip to spread around. And she tells - quite literally - EVERYONE. The bank teller, the supermarket cashier, the clerk at the DMV. (She has no actual friends, so her only option is tell absolute strangers.)

This is why grey rock is so valuable! Glad you and DH realize what she's doing with her "apologizing".

It took about 3 or 4 times before I realized she was doing it on purpose... I've been assuming it's to rub a little salt in the wound. But after reading your post I started thinking. She might be fishing. Baiting my husband into saying, "What are you talking about? No one ever said we can't have kids." And then she can launch into a major waif routine about being the only person she knows with no grandkids.

Or like you said, in most of these PD situations, they've engineered a "win-win" situation for themselves ahead of time. So the most likely scenario is that it's both.

Yes, as someone who experienced Munchausen by proxy at the hands of my mother... yes. Yes yes yes. Created the reality from a small kernel of truth, and then dragged me around until she found a doctor to validate it and put me on loads of drugs for subjective symptoms.

That is so terrifying. I'm sorry you went through it.

I hadn't thought about the similarity to Munchausen by proxy, but we have often remarked that MIL is the right "type." She's just not quite clever enough to have figured out that she could engineer a situation like that. If she did... it'd be bad news for anyone close to her.