5 month whirlwind in which I lost 3 friendships...& I *think* I'm okay.

[DaisyGirl77]

Hi, y'all.  It's been a while since I posted here, & this site has been on my mind to...use?...to help me process the last half year.

Like a lot of people, the first half of this year was pretty bad.  I won't get into detail otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd dox myself, but suffice it to say that I...

* spent two weeks dealing with the aftermath of a friend/mother figure's bipolar meltdown, spending a month or so processing it all (I was at the center, dealing with every last phone call she made to me & listening to her become increasingly incoherent, leading me to call a mutual friend to come with me to check on her).  I'm glad I did.  But it also led me to put other things on hold because I couldn't handle life's demands while dealing with everything else.

* another friend who decided that our separate tragedies/dramas were competitions instead of offering a sympathetic listening ear & sharing our burdens leading me to end a 25 year friendship.  It was a long time coming, & just the straw that broke the camel's back.  He'd become increasingly selfish, self-centered, & self-absorbed over the years & I just...couldn't anymore.  Not while I was in the midst of dealing with the above friend's crisis.

* dealt with friend #3 projecting her traumas onto me, shutting me down when I needed a listening ear when I dealt with a traumatic incident a month after Friend #1.  She increasingly played devil's advocate, but in a way that made me feel like she was questioning my perception, then minimizing it, or telling me I overreacted & she "would've done XYZ instead, not ABC like you did."  All I needed was for her to say, "Hey, are you okay?  I'm so sorry that happened.  I'm so glad you're safe."  THEN asking me for the full story AFTER I'd calmed down.  ...It led to silence for a while.  I tried to figure out how to fix it & wrote a long text detailing my frustrations, leaving it open for her to come with her side.  She chose not to & ended the friendship.  3 months later...  Her decision was for the best for us both.  She's been vagueposting on Facebook, which is entertaining.  I am apparently a narcissist.  Words can't express how amused I am by this.

* This then led to an incredibly nasty exchange initiated by the above friend's mother who accused me of keeping a customized item I'd ordered for her to myself.  I found my shiny spine here, & told her that her words were extremely inappropriate & she needed to correct herself.  I got a nonapology apology & a suspected muting (my message proving I still don't have the item shows as sent in the app, but she's been active on Facebook, so...).

* This all culminated recently when I finally ended things with Friend #1, who became angry & engaged in black & white thinking after I warned her son that she was showing signs of a spiral again.  "I NEVER see my friends!  I don't know why I keep trying."  & all that nonsense.  The funny thing is she HAS seen her friends...  As a group we all made a day trip after she left the hospital, then again one on one several times with each of us, etc.  Then engaged in passive-aggressive pettiness by declaring herself "SO busy!" & unable to schedule a meetup for an exchange of house keys & all that sort of thing.  She's SO BUSY, you guys!  SO VERY BUSY!  It ended with her leaving my key at my door & a completely inedible Dunkin' drink courtesy of her.  I have had a field day with this one.  It's been a gold mine of jokes.   It's led into a relaxed me because I was beginning to caretake her instead of being a friend.  If she doesn't want a caretaker (she's asked me to do things that fall into that role several times), then she doesn't have to have one.  But that also means I'll not be around when she has another meltdown, & her longest friend is thinking end of August is when she'll have her next bipolar crisis.  I wish her luck.

* On top of all this, I spiraled into a deep, deep depression starting late last year & didn't recognize the damage until just a few months ago when my anxiety disorder started rearing its head in mid-March.  Then it was a combination of deep depression (the lowest I've been since I left my dad's mom's place 9 years ago) & excessive anxiety...all the time.  Night terrors.  Suddenly being unable to breathe while sitting quietly working/watching TV/etc.  The whole bit.  I've been on a round robin medication wheel since trying to find something that'll get everything under control, but it's hard because my body has decided to become *incredibly sensitive* to medications.  It's been fun.

* Then we also have the death of Roe and spending several days in mode because I became massively triggered by the loss.  Even though I live in a state where the right is codified, I was very emotionally wrecked and in crisis mode all over again.

I'm gearing to pick back up at the end of August with the things I had to suspend back when Friend #1 had her meltdown.  But writing all this out, I'm starting to think I need to push it off again.  Dammit.

Words of wisdom would be wonderful & helpful right now.  As would be hugs.  Thanks for listening, you guys.  *virtual hugs*

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! So much drama in your life! I am so sorry. That certainly cannot have been fun. Seems like it is time to make yourself and your mental health #1 for a while. What are you doing for your own emotional well being?  Do you have support? CoDA? Therapy? Mindfulness meditation?

[DaisyGirl77]

Gosh! So much drama in your life! I am so sorry. That certainly cannot have been fun. Seems like it is time to make yourself and your mental health #1 for a while. What are you doing for your own emotional well being?  Do you have support? CoDA? Therapy? Mindfulness meditation?

Thanks for the commisseration. It's much appreciated.

I do have some support, but not as much as I used to have, lol. I've been in therapy for over a decade working through damage and trauma and have a nurse practitioner for the psych meds that I'm still exploring. This one is new. Back in April, I think, is when I started seeing them.

I know the depression started back in November because of another incident involving old trauma stories and incredibly damaging and hurtful family behavior so that's been fun. What hasn't been fun is seeing just how it manifested after all this time. I'm finding a lot of surprises and self-destructive behaviors I engaged in. It sucks terribly. I've tried to get into EMDR therapy but everywhere is on months long waiting lists.