Snubbed

[Lilyloo]

A wedding for my nephew is very soon. My nephew as a little boy stayed with me often while his mom worked  Every single family member got an invitation except my husband and I and our grown children. I am floored!  I knew about it for several months when my dear mother told me she got a 'hold the date' notice.  My family got nothing. I only knew through dear mother. I think the day is July 23rd. 

Last August at my brothers wedding, I walked up to my nephews girlfriend and introduced myself and she did not talk to me.  It was strange so I just turned and moved on. It stayed in my mind.  Then the snub about the wedding.  I have no idea if its connected. 

I told mother dear months ago we didn't get invited. She sent me a message  2 weeks ago " are you and hubby going , is my grand daughter and her kids going, oddly my son never gets ask about. To mother dear he does not exist.  I said once again WE DID NOT GET INVITED !!   She never replied. I'm telling you my gut tells me she is behind all of this. Its just a deep feeling because she is a back stabbing, trouble maker. She will trash any of us then ask "what did i do wrong"  She lies about people.

I have never been excluded from any family event. Its mind boggling.  I needed to vent and I esp feel sad because this nephew was sweet and I loved taking care of him as a child.

Toxic family!  I see so clear now the dysfunction. 

[nanotech]

Just awful.
My nephew snubbed his whole mother's side - no one was invited to his wedding. His reasons were cost.
I had also looked after him quite a bit when he was a little boy. His parents went through an acrimonious divorce, the fallout from which went on for years. At the time I was very supportive of my sister. who was  completely devastated by it.  His dad was then largely absent from his life, but turned up again when he was 18.  When he turned up my sister thihghg he might be returning to her.
Were  they worried that at the wedding, we were going to gossip about the past tkk I'm his best family/ friends? ? We wouldn't have done that ever. I know quite a lot of history was rewritten after his dad reappeared in his life. I've a feeling much gaslighting took place.  I akdkk on felt my niece and nephew distance themselves from me, and more significantly, from their own mother.
Comparisons are tricky though and nine of this may be helpful. But the snubbing is awful. It feels awful. It is awful. But it isn't about you- it's all about them. Your mum is failing to acknowledge it. My UNPD DAD downplayed it and sought to justify it. ( he was invited!) 
I've no idea what their thinking was.  His being one if the favourite child/ grandchild, it was accepted.
I'm still pretty gobsmacked tbh!

[nanotech]

Sorry about the typos in my previous post. 

[moglow]

I told mother dear months ago we didn't get invited. She sent me a message  2 weeks ago " are you and hubby going , is my grand daughter and her kids going, oddly my son never gets ask about. To mother dear he does not exist.  I said once again WE DID NOT GET INVITED !!   She never replied. I'm telling you my gut tells me she is behind all of this. Its just a deep feeling because she is a back stabbing, trouble maker. She will trash any of us then ask "what did i do wrong"  She lies about people.

If she brings it up again, refuse to discuss it. Don't respond or even acknowledge her comments. At this point I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with her at all, but that's just me. Sounds like she knows damn good and well what's going on and she's poking for a reaction.

My guess is, your nephew and/or fiancee was led down an ugly path by his mother and grandmother and he doesn't care to engage with their stuff. It may well be his fiancee is a bird of a similar feather and he doesn't want to buck her either, know what I mean? It's entirely possible he has no idea you weren't sent an invitation - the groom isn't always part of that.

I'd take the high road here, if a bit passive aggressive. I'd at least send them a nice card, if not a special gift from their registry if you're able. Make a point that every time they look at or use said item, they remember your gesture and that you're not the person you may have been made out to be. 

[NarcKiddo]

Following on from moglow's post, if you think it possible your nephew does not even know you weren't invited (which is possible - he may have been told you turned it down) I might even go slightly further than the suggestion to send a card and a gift. In that I might say in the card something like "I want to wish you and your bride all the very best. I would have loved to be part of your special day but I completely understand numbers are limited. Maybe we can meet up some time afterwards so you can tell me all about it and show me the photos." (Assuming you get on fine with your nephew as far as you know.)

[Lilyloo]

Thank you everyone! and nanotech, I didn't even notice typos. No worries.  It sounds as if your family is the same as mine, tho they didnt snub so very many as in your family. Just us I think.  To snub all of your mothers side, just horrible!  You and I similar in that we helped care for our nephews.  It hurts and most of all very confusing.  Gobsmacked a great way to put it!

I guess I'm mean but I just can't do the card gift thing right now.  Maybe at some point when I've calmed down about this snub. I know you are both right, moglow and Narckiddo, I think I'm just to hurt now at this time.   I had said to my youngest brother I would still send a card and money after he was shocked we got snubbed. My brother (not the grooms father)  gets the honor of driving mother dear to the wedding 5 hours away!!  I'm just floored right now and cant think of picking out a card. . I know 100% my mother did this.  The odd thing is my nephew did not speak to me at my brothers wedding either. 

I will add that nephews father my middle brother is a carbon of mother dear.  I suspect its mother and him.  Tho I have called him, every single time hes been ill in the hospital, he never returns texts, never calls unless hes drunk and just like mother is so self absorbed.

It's a mess and maybe this snub is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can be me, not having to be the loving sister or daughter who got nothing, nothing ever in return for being a good human. I'm the gal who gave it her all, who took care of my brothers, then their children years later, so maybe this is to show me its time to stop.  The golden boy father of the groom did not show up for my daughters wedding  16 years ago.  We invited them but neither he or his wife(ex now)  showed up, or acknowledged my daughter or gave her a gift. ZIPPO nothing,  No explanation!

I think snubbing my kids was the worst. If there's a issue with me, don't blame them by excluding them too!   I am not a mean person, just tired of BS!!

Gobsmacked, just like nanotech says!!

Thank you everyone

[Lilyloo]

I've made to much out of this whole situation.  I don't even like weddings as I'm very much an introvert.  I'd like to have this removed as I didn't mean to talk bad about my brother.

[nanotech]

Sometimes we can feel like this- our feelings can fluctuate, and we feel we shouldn't have said anything all.
We've been programmed for years that we're 'too sensitive'.
I've read a lot on the subject. In dysfunctional families, there are two  aspects. 
1.The abuse.
2. General, unspoken and pervasive denial of the abuse by all family members.
When I began with this forum, I was really careful with what I posted. Even so, I still worried about some of the stuff I'd written. But now I just go for it.  It's like journaling, plus validation. It's returned me to my sanity many times. It's revealed to me my own self worth.
I remind myself every day, that I love all of my family of origin, just not everything they do. We can still love them once we become aware that not everything is as it should be.
I'm just putting this out there for you to look at and consider. Take care and I'm sending hugs!

[bloomie]

Lilyloo - it hurts to be left out of what is a very important and sacred ceremony and celebration for a nephew you have nurtured and loved. I am so sorry for the pain and confusion this brings.

Something that I was thinking about as I read through the thread and your experiences is how often, when there is a coldness or distancing by family members we have previously had warm and loving relationships with, we retract in pain and begin to doubt ourselves and harshly judge ourselves. I am not sure that is what you are doing, but I know I sure have. And I have come to understand that is different than soul searching and seeing if there is a way we could've brought offense or hurt to a nephew and his bride to be.

If you have searched your interactions and have no idea why there would be this snubbing and if the relationship with your nephew is important to you, I would suggest, when the time is right for you to contact him and see if he is willing to meet for a cup of coffee and talk. So often, I have made a whole lot of assumptions and allowed the machinations of others to come between myself and other family members out of a false sense of shame and deep hurt for what seems to be a disregard for the love and caring I have shown to a much loved family member.

It might be the water of your relationship with your nephew has been poisoned by someone else and there is no possibility of reconnecting, or it may be there is something going on he is willing to work through with you. Either way, for me, I have a better ability to grieve and move on if I at least know I have done all I can on my side of the street to figure out a relationship that has suddenly and inexplicably fractured.

Looking at your relationship with your nephew as separate from your relationship with your mother and your brother may be a way to keep your focus on what is most important to you. 

Whatever you choose to do or not do with this, coming at it all from a position of empowerment, moving through the understandable hurt with time, and staying steady in your healing journey will give the best possibility of coming through this stronger and more clear around the family dynamics at work.

Hugs to you as the wedding day comes! Try to plan something sweet and lovely for yourself that day if you are able.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you nanotech and bloomie!   Your replies have helped me.  I'm sure It's true that I've been conditioned  to feel guilt about everything. I feel sure I did nothing wrong and as someone said it's possible nephew has no idea who was invited.  I'm ok now.   You are all so kind here and helpful.  You see things clearly at times when I can't.  I did ask to have the thread removed.  I need to be more like you nanotech and just "go for it"  thank you sweet friends. 😋   your advice and wisdom are so welcome