AITA for poking the narc?

[Unbroken1]

Hi everyone - I am very happy to have found this platform. Discussing issues with those who have actually experienced a relationship with a narcissist is far more validating than trying to get a therapist to "get" the abuse and emotional devastation that these disordered personalities leave in their wake.

I recently relocated to an area where I have a sole living aunt, my mother's sister, and her offspring, a cousin who is my age. I moved here in 2017 after my divorce since I have few living relatives, being an only child, and didn't want to move back to the state where I grew up in the south as it has become increasingly intolerant towards non-Christians, women, LGBTQ and Trans people (and anyone not male and white) over the past few years.

I was really looking forward to getting to know this branch of my family better and was invited to holiday gatherings etc for the first couple of years. I was in touch with my cousin fairly often via text and email, and we both had always gotten along and had enjoyed friendly relations. It's a big group with lots of extended family members I had always heard about but never met.

Fast forward a couple of years and my experience with my cousin has shown me that he's a very angry, unhappy man-baby narcissist prone to public tantrums. He has also taken control of my 89-year-old aunt's financial life as well as becoming the "gatekeeper" for non-immediate family access to her. When I realized this, I decided to see what would happen if I bypassed him and contacted her directly. So I emailed her to see if she wanted to get together for a social gathering with one of of my paternal cousins who was visiting with his wife. and to ask her son and his wife to join us and if they would like to choose the restaurant (he's an insufferable food and wine snob as well).

Apparently this created a narcissistic injury for my cousin, who was alarmed and threatened that I did this without going through him. On the evening when we all got together, he made some passive-aggressive comments out loud at the table about my appearance, for which I called him to acccount right there in front of everyone. Narc injury upon narc injury. When I got in touch with my aunt afterward, she said when he drove she and his wife home that evening, she had never witnessed him rage to that degree.

I feel bad that my aunt and cousin's wife were subjected to this emotional abuse because of something I may have set in motion. Since then I've become much more aware of how I'm triggered by narcissists and how to avoid them, and most importantly, not engage whenever I can or use the Gray Rock method.

My cousin has shut me out of all family gatherings since, I don't get invites at Christmas or Thanksgiving any more and I wonder if my elderly aunt even remembers that I'm living nearby, so I may as well not even exist to these people. I guess those are the consequences of poking the hornest's nest?

[moglow]

So - you poked the nest and are somewhat dismayed and yet pleased the hornets came out? I'm not sure of your question.

Passive aggressive he may have been, but few people appreciate being called out in front of a group. It just makes the whole gathering awkward for everyone at that point, what to say or not, and not wanting to be the next target. It also makes people less likely to be sociable in future, not wanting repeat performances.

In this situation it sounds like he was likely a known quantity and others may just deal with it and carry on. You were the new guy of sorts, and now unfortunately they've seen "that side" of you. While they might applaud you standing up for yourself, it may also make them very leery of future gatherings. And if he's supposedly in charge of them ...?

[Unbroken1]

So - you poked the nest and are somewhat dismayed and yet pleased the hornets came out? I'm not sure of your question.

I think the subject line of the post is pretty evident. Perhaps the acronym AITA is unfamiliar: it means "Am I the assh*le?"

My intent in posting is because I'm questioning myself: was my invitation to my aunt without going through my cousin manipulative? Since this happened I have spoken directly with my aunt and she agrees her son's behavior has become extreme but enthusiastically agreed that we can continue to communicate and meet with each other without his involvement. At the same time I realize she enables his behavior by excusing it as a consequence of her marriage to a deeply disordered man.

Passive aggressive he may have been, but few people appreciate being called out in front of a group. It just makes the whole gathering awkward for everyone at that point, what to say or not, and not wanting to be the next target. It also makes people less likely to be sociable in future, not wanting repeat performances.

You're making some assumptions about the gathering in question, which did not include members of my maternal cousin's extended clan. in this case it was limited to he, his wife, and his mother, my aunt. Also my cousin and wife on my father's side. So the traditional power dynamic that allows my maternal cousin to behave like an infantile tyrant wasn't there. Nevertheless, before he even sat down at the table, his passive-aggressive commentary started, directly to nobody else but myself. TBH ("to be honest") I just wasn't having it and immediately responded in a brief, calm but emphatic manner that communicated this directly. I believe his attack was because I bypassed him and went directly to my aunt with the invitation.

In this situation it sounds like he was likely a known quantity and others may just deal with it and carry on. You were the new guy of sorts, and now unfortunately they've seen "that side" of you. While they might applaud you standing up for yourself, it may also make them very leery of future gatherings. And if he's supposedly in charge of them ...?

At the time he was a somewhat known quantity. I had recently started educating myself about NPD following the end of a decades-long marriage to my uNPD ex. I've known my cousin all my life, but only for brief periods prior to moving here, when he would visit with his wife and daughter (or when we were kids) - where he was not on his home territory and on his best non-man-baby behavior.

It's become evident since that he acts as the Mafia Boss of his clan and keeps everyone agreeable with implicit threats to bring out the inner demon if everyone doesn't toe the line, so yes, they all just deal with it. As the "new guy" it has been a disappointment to discover what is the painful reality of being triangulated and ostracized by what little family I have. I am not at all pleased to discover this, and there is no schadenfreude in learning that the generational trauma in my family has revealed itself in a new and disturbing fashion.

You also implied that the other family members may have some agreement in this alleged perception of me as an outsider and disruptor of the family's power structure (he's clearly threatened by me). That may be so, but if they are all members of my cousin's cult, then these are relationships I may not be interested in pursuing. In my 65th year, I have lived through a lifetime of abuse and neglect by the disordered individuals in my family, and the price of my peace of mind is worth far more to me.

[moglow]

I'm familiar with the term AITA - I don't categorize or throw labels at people as a general rule. You mentioned you "decided to see what would happen if you bypassed" him. Not manipulation exactly, but he did apparently feel provoked and showed his colors.

I'd guess they probably try to not poke that bear as a general rule, and find life is simpler to just go along as best they can. It can be very disorienting when that balance is thrown askew. A lot of disordered families are that way - until they're not.

I'm sorry it's been taken to this extreme, being shut out of gatherings. Our entire extended family imploded because of similar behaviors. We [brothers and I] were presumed to "side" with mommie dearest when truth is we have little to do with her either. She played a whole other story to her family and unfortunately they bought into it, not knowing us any better. We've now seen -as are you apparently- just how deep the dysfunction truly goes.

[Cat of the Canals]

I would look at it like this: your cousin was playing the triangulation game with your aunt and this gatekeeping nonsense. You decided not to play along, despite having a good idea that he'd react poorly. I don't call that manipulation. I call that having boundaries. Likewise for standing up for yourself when he tried to insult your appearance.

Is this why you were shut out of subsequent family gatherings? Probably. And that sucks. On the other hand, it was probably only a matter of time before you ran afoul of His Highness in some other way, especially if you are determined to have strong boundaries.