In the midst again

[Nonamenoshame]

So I've been trying to exist back there for the last few weeks. Some of the time it's ok and then it gets crazy again and quiet. It's the usual stuff but the last few days it's been getting tense and yesterday it all came forward and the damn burst. I'm my therapy session on Friday I explained that when I'm in the midst of one of these outbursts it's like tsunami of emotion coming at me, it so overwhelming and constant that I begin to lose track of my own feelings and needs. She had asked me try and find something that I could cling to to allow me to get passed the wave. So yesterday it all happened. It began with the admittedly good idea of 3 min turns to talk, she gets Friday where she can speak for 3 mins about something and then I get 3 mins to validate and discuss any view I may have. All good so far. So my day was Saturday and by the end of it it was a free for all. Yet somehow I managed to get myself settled and then for the rest of the day or at least most of it I went grey rock. And I mean like a quarry of grey rocks. There wasn't a moment together where she wasn't talking about what she's been through, how did I feel about her side of things could I see my part to play, how could I not see this or that etc and some of this is valid in a relationship with a normal person emotionally but we all know I think where this goes. I just sat there a few okays, ummm hmmms, but mostly nothing. By the end of the day she was telling me how scary it was, I didn't make her feel safe I must have no care at all for the family etc. I've tried this before and it's helped but yesterday was the first time I really saw how it can rattle someone who is intent on getting a heated response. In all of it I resolved myself to heading back to stay with relatives this week. The only reason to stay is the kids but how good is it for them to live in that atmosphere? It's not an easy commute to get to see them but I can't stay in this much longer.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When there's children, it can be very difficult.  I "stayed" for my son.  In reflection, did I really?  No, I stayed because I was afraid and I used staying for my son as an excuse.  Honestly, I just realized that now.

My son is much better since we separated and live apart. The fighting is gone, the stress, wondering when my STBX will freak out/be angry/ruin a nice time....etc....   It was miserable and exhausting 

I think everyone finds their own way - whatever that might be and how ever long it takes.  Try and use the tools, read the posts - there is so much useful information and suggestions by other people.  I've found the book and video suggestions fantastic.   

[Nonamenoshame]

Thank you. The last week or so has been torture and I feel completely lost and beaten. So defeated