Why do I let her get to me?

[Iris1022]

I've come so far over the past several years when it comes to understanding and dealing with my mother's narcissism. Why, then, do I sometimes get emotionally affected by her narc behaviors? Yesterday was my birthday and she didn't acknowledge it. No text, no phone call, no nothing. She would throw an epic guilt trip and tantrum if we didn't shower her with adoration on her birthday (although it is never enough and she's always miserable regardless), yet she can just choose to ignore her child's birthday. I'm not surprised by her behavior, and nor do I care for the most part. However, for some reason it made me upset nonetheless and I found myself feeling angry at myself for feeling upset about her expected crappy and selfish behavior.

I know she's discarding me. In her mind, I'm a terrible daughter because I chose to have a life of my own in a different state with a husband and children. Gasp - how could I dare pursue anything in life other than being her servant and happily smelling her farts everyday?

These narcs really don't give a crap about basic human decency and empathy, do they? They are as nasty as they want to be, all day, everyday.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I understand why it hurts.....It's your birthday and you'd like your mom to be "typical" and celebrate it.

Happy birthday, I hope you enjoyed it with people that love you. 

[easterncappy]

Because she's your mom. It's easy for a third party to say "just cut her off and move on", but the fact of the matter is that the parent/child relationship is unique. People who didn't have stable parental figures as children suffer for life, even if it's not in some crazy earth-shattering way. If it was so easy to just "not care" and "not have hurt feelings", then there wouldn't be tons of self-help books, childhood trauma therapists, websites for adult children of abusive parents, etc. and we wouldn't spend years trying to regain some semblance of normalcy after growing up with PD parents.

It's the norm in almost all human cultures that holidays are celebrated with your extended family. We're social animals and want to feel remembered and included. So, it's not supposed to be the way you're describing. Your parents aren't supposed to use your birthday to purposely hurt your feelings. Unless it's specifically your personal preference, your loved ones are supposed to celebrate your birthday with you. And parents aren't supposed to make their own birthdays a power play, either, which is another common PD tactic that you describe her participating in.

It also doesn't need to be shocking to hurt your feelings. Bottom line is that it's not supposed to be happening this way and you're responding to that fact. Even though you're an adult, she's supposed to be a benevolent figure in your life, and there are cultural and familial norms that you don't get to participate in because of her behavior. It'd be odd if you weren't bothered by this.

[sunshine702]

I really related to your post Iris1022.

I could have written those EXACT words this year too over my Narc mom and my birthday.  I cried when I got off the phone with her.  I too just wanted her to be a nice normal mom.  I read her card last the night before and got lulled.

Narcs ruin special events A LOT.   Sometimes it's easier to take than other.   We were robbed.  It's not healthy and it stinks. 

On my fridge I have a postcard of the fun animal event I did later that day.  Was there any Moments with your Husband and Kids that was nice?

Happy Birthday from US here!!

[pianissimo]

I feel similarly sometimes. For example, when there is some development that makes me happy, and if I tell parents, they have very reduced capacity to share my happiness and just say "Great". They usually react in a way that makes me feel bad. It gets me despite me knowing this is how they are. I guess there are times I assume what I tell them is objectively good,  but whatever drives their reaction beats reason. I suppose they also view these moments as an opportunity to manipulate me into doing things they want me to do. But, it feels bad to not share the news either. So, there is no win for me.

[NarcKiddo]

Because you're human and it is, objectively, sad/upsetting when people behave like this.

Is there also an element of you beating yourself up here? I know I have got unexpectedly upset just when I think I have a handle on the situation. My uNPD mother can really take me by surprise. And for me that can result in my not only being hurt but kicking myself for being hurt because I somehow managed to let my guard down just a tiny bit, and she got through.

Happy birthday.

[easterncappy]

I feel similarly sometimes. For example, when there is some development that makes me happy, and if I tell parents, they have very reduced capacity to share my happiness and just say "Great". They usually react in a way that makes me feel bad. It gets me despite me knowing this is how they are. I guess there are times I assume what I tell them is objectively good,  but whatever drives their reaction beats reason. I suppose they also view these moments as an opportunity to manipulate me into doing things they want me to do. But, it feels bad to not share the news either. So, there is no win for me.

I know this very well too. My parents would make me feel terrible when I shared good news. One favorite activity of theirs was pretending  I was secretly complaining about the thing I was happy about and shaming me for complaining... which I wasn't even doing. So eventually I stopped telling them things, which was wrong too.

It's hard not to get bothered by this. It's manipulative, rude, mean spirited... and just not what we expect from our parents even as adults.

[Iris1022]

Thanks for all of your supportive words. I'm sad to see that so many of us have to experience such awful behavior from our parents, but I am also grateful that I have found a group of others who "get it." Nothing's worse than hearing people who have no experience with narc parents tell you how you should accept their behavior because "they are your parents after all." Ugh.

I completely identify on the sharing of good news topic. I don't think my mom has ever displayed happiness, pride, or anything positive in response to good news that I've shared. At best, her responses are typically neutral, along the lines of "great," or "good for you." But oftentimes her responses have been negative because she always makes things about herself. If my news makes her feel threatened or jealous in any way, she flips it on me and makes me seem selfish for my accomplishments. Such a messed up world we live in with narc parents!

I'm just sad that I spent so much of my young adulthood not understanding what the heck was going on with her. I always felt that I was bad, to blame, selfish, a bad person, etc. etc. etc. I'm 45 now and the narc situation didn't click with me until about 10 years ago.  She totally abused her status as "mother" and the power imbalance that inherently comes with that to make me buy into her inappropriate behavior. I wish I could take back some of my younger years with a different perspective, but at least I get it now.

[Amy-Rose]

Her unhealthy behaviour gets to you because you're a decent human being with feelings!  Their tactics work and that's why they use them, because she all have (pretty much) the same reactions to certain treatment. When being discarded, we all feel: anger, confusion, self-doubt, pain, and fight with the possibility that they are right.

One things that just helped me was writing everything they do and say down - whether it is good or bad. You have to keep grounded and remember this is a "mother thing" and not a "me thing". It's very hard. But I found a lot of comfort and support watching videos like Dr Ramani and my favourite Petra Van Delji. They kept me calm and grounded and helped me understand what was happening and put a name to it. I was being trauma bonded. I was struggling with Cognitive Dissonance. I was being love bombed, then silent treatment for no reason. And on and on it went. I was confused by the fact that she has so many friends. How could someone so toxic is such a subtle way have so many people think the world of her? It had to be me, right. WRONG. Oh, she KNEW people who thought she was great because they very rarely saw her and even though her friendship with them had lasted 8 years they were still in the honeymoon phase. She sees one friend for 2 hours, once a month. It's easy to keep up the fake image for a few hours. But day in and day out gets harder. All these friends yet when anything happened...straight to me. The truth was, she didn't really have any friends. Just people she knew and used and manipulated.

You have to own your reality and see through the misted lense the Narc presents you with. They are trying to through you off. You are a good daughter. You are a good person. You are enough. Don't let her lead you off track. Stay with you because you are the truth and she is the lie.

[Boat Babe]

I feel similarly sometimes. For example, when there is some development that makes me happy, and if I tell parents, they have very reduced capacity to share my happiness and just say "Great". They usually react in a way that makes me feel bad. It gets me despite me knowing this is how they are. I guess there are times I assume what I tell them is objectively good,  but whatever drives their reaction beats reason. I suppose they also view these moments as an opportunity to manipulate me into doing things they want me to do. But, it feels bad to not share the news either. So, there is no win for me.

I recognize this disappointing little dynamic. My uBPDm gets very interested if there's a problem, a failure or some other negative event.  But if I tell her about the good things on my life I get met with either incomprehension, covert criticism (currently I'm too old for whatever it is) or indifference. Utterly disinterested!  So now I don't tell her anything and we paddle in the shallow waters of small talk.. Makes for tedious conversations.

[pianissimo]

I'm just sad that I spent so much of my young adulthood not understanding what the heck was going on with her. I always felt that I was bad, to blame, selfish, a bad person, etc. etc. etc. I'm 45 now and the narc situation didn't click with me until about 10 years ago.  She totally abused her status as "mother" and the power imbalance that inherently comes with that to make me buy into her inappropriate behavior. I wish I could take back some of my younger years with a different perspective, but at least I get it now.

I think it's very difficult to notice how messed up it is. Plus, even if you notice, it's hard to make sense of it. I somehow knew something was up with my parents since childhood, and I complained about it to people, but I figured it was me who couldn't cope with them. There were a lot of people around me, and still are, who tell things about their parents that sound almost horrific to me, but they get along with their parents anyways. I still question whether it's something about me.

I know she's discarding me. In her mind, I'm a terrible daughter because I chose to have a life of my own in a different state with a husband and children.

Perhaps this is aggression in this case, and this is why it's upsetting? She didn't forget or anything, she gave you a negative message.

I'm sad to see that so many of us have to experience such awful behavior from our parents

Me too.

[moglow]

Iris, I hope you had a great birthday with people who love you! Maybe you can even find a little something just for you, a special something or activity that'll scrub off some of her gloom for you.

I had a landmark birthday myself this year, mother barely acknowledged other than a very brief text [she's had ongoing texting issues with me, claims to not get mine to her], then days later ramped up that I'd not even bothered to acknowledge it. I had, but "you know I don't get your texts!!!" Seems to me after a while if you know you're not getting someone's texts and they can tell you exactly what they said in response to yours, you'd: a] check your phone/carrier to see what the problem is, or b] stop texting that person altogether. But no. She claims I've blocked her even though oddly enough, we could talk on that very phone line with no issues. Just another of her internal battles she refuses to address other than somehow blaming me.

I'm not surprised by her behavior, and nor do I care for the most part. However, for some reason it made me upset nonetheless and I found myself feeling angry at myself for feeling upset about her expected crappy and selfish behavior.

I know she's discarding me. In her mind, I'm a terrible daughter because I chose to have a life of my own in a different state with a husband and children. Gasp - how could I dare pursue anything in life other than being her servant and happily smelling her farts everyday?

These narcs really don't give a crap about basic human decency and empathy, do they?

I'll be honest - I can't tell if mine doesn't care or if she simply doesn't have the *capacity* for decency and empathy, other than as it applies to her. Flip side is how much apparent glee I've seen when things went wrong in someone else's life, like she saw it as retribution for her own life in some way. Mother's so incredibly self involved that every possible scenario is seen only with herself as the center. I remember being told years ago that on her/mother's birthday, she sent flowers to her OWN mother, but didn't send flowers to her/my grandmother's birthday. I never did understand that statement, but now I kinda do. Mother just couldn't celebrate another, apparently ANY other. She doesn't appear to be the only one.

I'd tend to go with the [lack of] capacity statement on your mother, along with mine. I don't know that it's a deliberate discard so much as she never picked it up initially, if that makes sense. Just some essential something didn't connect and we can't make it happen for them. We expect more because these are our mothers/parents after all and somehow we still believe it should be different, but at the end of the day, there's still a hard disconnect there.