Yes, dad…you’re always right…

[easterncappy]

Example of what I meant in the previous post:

Without getting into the COVID thing too much, my dad once found a video on Facebook of a person in a lab coat claiming to be a doctor talking for 20 minutes about how it's all a hoax or whatever... he demanded that I sit down with him and watch the whole video. "No offense, anyone can buy a lab coat and upload a video to Facebook, claiming to be Dr. So-and-so. I really don't want to watch this video or talk about this at all". Cue immediate angry outburst and cussing at me (you wouldn't believe how common of a reaction this was in our house). It's not about the COVID situation specifically, it's about the suggestibility, the belief being emotionally charged, demanding that others play into it because it's secretly about power, getting angry because someone isn't bending to your will, etc. Could be about any topic. Of course, his beliefs on the COVID thing fluctuated occasionally too... and most of the time, they were just mean-spirited and edgy (regardless of which direction he was leaning in that week), because being that way makes him feel good.

[Starboard Song]

** MOD NOTE **

This has been a great discussion. Everyone has been doing a great job of incidentally referencing some hot button issues without letting the thread devolve into politics, or claiming PDs believe a certain way, or diagnosing any celebrities or politicians. All of these would be guidelines violations

Thank you all for that discipline, and your support of one another.

Keep it up.

** WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR THREAD ALREADY IN PROGRESS **

[Call Me Cordelia]

Haha thanks, Starboard! It can get awkward to dance around any concrete reference to the actual issues under fire with our PDs.

[easterncappy]

Another thing that occurred to me that my dad used to do is ask me "isn't that right, cappy?" after he expressed some personal opinion or another. If I didn't answer, he'd go "...isn't that right?" again. The angry storming off with cussing happened often if the response was "no, you're wrong", not answering made me "unpleasant", so the only correct answer was "yes, you're right". A lot of the times the personal opinions were rude comments about other people... one specifically was him saying something extremely cruel about like, a maybe three year old boy he saw playing with empty display boxes at a store. I didn't even know what to say to some of the things he said, since they were so mean. Even if they were normal opinions a normal person would have, they'd be expressed in a really vile and bitter way. But he often made sure to put a little plea for validation and agreement at the end.

[easterncappy]

Okay, I'm sorry for double posting, but the memories are rushing back. TW for gun violence but with the passage of time, my dad's reaction to this has gone from heartbreaking to kind of funny, because it just symbolizes who he is as a person so well, and I've just sort of accepted that he's stuck this way. It's long, but bear with me, I'll make it make sense.

A couple of years ago, I spent a night in a rough neighborhood with some friends that my parents knew (which is the only reason they were okay with it lol). At some point during the night, I was woken up by a barrage of gunfire. Literally like, three sets of at least 20 shots fired, and someone else shooting sporadically with a pistol. Right outside of the window of the room I was in. I was terrified, I crawled to and hid in the bathroom, I called the police, and then I spam called everyone in my family because I was convinced I was going to die. Well, I didn't die, but I spent the rest of the night peeping through the blinds at CSI picking up shell casings and I didn't sleep for a couple of nights. I didn't go back to the neighborhood again, and this was the second time I was caught up in gun violence (the first time made international news!).

The next day, I drove back to my parents' place (I lived with them at the time). Instead of showing like, basic empathy towards his only child who had a near death experience, my dad decided to use this opportunity to brag about our nationality and debate me on what kind of gun was used. For context, we're all originally from a country known for manufacturing and exporting firearms (but we live in the US now). He started pulling up random pictures of semi-automatic rifles manufactured in our country and going "now this is a good gun, it could have been one of those..." and "oh, it was probably this one, it's a real work of art". I kept telling him that I had no idea what kind of gun was used and I also didn't care because that was for the police to figure out and he just didn't stop and he continued to get angry and argue with me about it. Even my mom had to tell him to stop using this as an occasion to be right all of the time, and she pretty much categorically took his side in every situation.

At the time, my heart was shattered. How could my own dad not even give a single crap that I almost died? Why did he have to argue with me about what kind of gun I thought the violent criminal used to amplify my PTSD for the rest of my life? But now... LMAO. That is so him. In fact, now that I remembered it, it's going to be my default story for "why I don't talk to my dad" because it's a great demonstration of his horrid character and disordered personality, but it omits the really gruesome parts of who he is and what he did to me.

[Starboard Song]

Here's the takeaway:  kethartikt0kb00m, you are not alone.

So many of us see the pattern you describe. The over-confidence. The fake expertise. The insistance that you musty agree with them. The belief that disagreement is a sort of war, rather than no-big-deal.

You hit the nail on the head with your first example, and it clearly resonated with a bunch of us. Thanks for starting the thread.

It's  just as I thought if I didn't know then I certainly know now all he really wants is for me to fall in line and know what he wants me to know , and he doesn't allow difference in thought and  he doesn't allow me knowing anymore than he does.  I just have to play the role of the person who is dumb and doesn't know anything while he sits back with no high school diploma or any education background and just tell me how the world works.  It's  so incredibly frustrating and I still feel like a coward for not fighting him on it.

Man, do I get that. I don't so much feel like a coward, but.....just frustrated. It is just so wrong to have to sit and take. Be strong. Remember, your goal is not to be right, and definitely not to persuade him. As you know, it is to maximize your peace.

We are proud of you, and it is brave to know how that is done and do it.

[sunshine702]

The contranian.  Yeah that is my guy.  I could say  sky is blue and he would say no sky is white.  I would try to meet him halfway  / empathize/ see his perspective. Well yeah the clouds are white.  It would end up in an argument if I did not lose and say yeah sky white.  I think this is a lot of the issues of Personality Disorders.  Never being right.  Statistically one out of every 2 times we should get a win sometimes right.

We took some personality tests (The Big 5 one) he was 98 percent agreeable.  I was only 50 percent.  So he is always in agreement with the powers that be they are always right.  It drives me bonkers.  I am much more suspicious of motives.