Daughter of a friend

[Marianne]

Hi all. There is something I am ashamed of, but wish to ask advice on, to set it right. I just don't know how. 

I grew up in a troublesome family, then went on to date (all the time) and befriend (rarely) cluster B men. I started to recognize it and stopped that habit.

I quit, some time ago now, the contact to a friend. We spent quite some time together, and also with his daughter being there sometimes. I got frightened of him. Thought that was my fault, but still quit contact.

On a surface-level 99% of the time he was incredibly friendly, well-behaved and helpful. To both me and the daughter. He would be practically caring, was a good listener, supported me loads through difficult times, and  adjusted his plans to his daughter, for instance chosing a holiday he hated, but she loved. He said he was worried about her, because she wasn't doing well. 

Also, he said he was a psychopath.

Or actually, he said his (psychologist) ex had accused him of being autistic, and being psychopathic, and this may be true. I'm not really sure if the two can ever combine. I have read that autistic people can sometimes be unemotional, but without the aggression and manipulation of a psychopath. I always thought he was in that category, but I started to doubt that later. 

He seemed to have traits. He said he had hardly any feelings. Of love, joy, sadness, guilt, shame, fear. He said he lost them after going through a lot of bad stuff, but I don't actually believe that anymore (going by other things he said). He was arrogant. He said he had loads of anger inside, but didn't show it. He had aggression problems as a kid and was almost kicked out of school. He said he would bully people in school, but only bullies, to protect the vulnerable kids. He listened to horribly violent death metal music, which scared me to death. He also wrote such music himself. He let me read two. One for a former date, that he wished hell on in the song. And one for me, calling me his enemy (which he had a beautiful explanation for afterwards, which in retrospect was nonsense). Which was obviously off, but I was used to so much, and used so much meds at the time, that it hardly registered.

He once said he was a psychopath, but had been raised very well and consistently, and thus had good morals now, in the sense that he wasn't hurting people, learned to control his anger, etc.

He was divorced. His daughter had issues. She was 10 when I last saw her. She acted happy a lot, had friends, laughed, etc. Dad said she liked to come there a lot. But her dad also told me she struggled emotionally. She had mood swings. She was very jealous of her half-siblings. He told me she said she wanted to die and hated it at her mum's home. She said she sensed there was care and attention, but no love, from her father. He said he had been real angry with her once, and now she wasn't having temper tantrums anymore there (which seems not very nice, to say the least...scaring a kid so that she doesn't show her discontent anymore), but did at her mum's (where she might feel safer to show?). I saw her actually make a move as if she was going to jump in front of a tram, to which her dad got angry and kind of pushed her away angrily. I'm not entirely sure if that was her intention to jump in front of a tram or not. She seemed to be insecure, covering that with arrogance. I inquired about her issues with her dad extensively, and he said she was tested with a psychologist. He said they found her to be profoundly gifted, which they said also came with emotionally hypersensitivity and explained the emotional issues. They made a lot of adjustments at school. He said him and her mum were having great contact and doing a lot to help her with this. He said it got better after a while.

He also did something odd when I quit contact. In a subtle way he seemed to play on my biggest fear, which he know. It seems as though he was purposefully making a few remarks that aroused my deepest fright, but by how he said it, I'm doubting myself. Did he intend it badly? Or not? Can't quite explain. It was creepy, but he said it in such a way that it was ambivalent if he was trying to be hurtful or not. 

I'm very ashamed, but at the time I was dissociated and simply took everything at face value and believed everything everyone said. Now I am processing my own stuff, I see that I showed similar signals of distress as a kid. I was sexually and emotionally abused. Nobody saw the abuse. Everyone either said I was difficult, or there were other reasons (giftedness, school). I'm having huge self-doubt. Is this kid in similar trouble? Or am I being hyperalert because of it touching on my own story? I don't want to actually accuse someone and cause distress in a situation, if that is not correct.  Also i didn't see actual violence or so that would make an impression on CPS.

Again, on the surface-level he was most always being a very helpful friend and father, doing his very best. But I also always had an instinctively bad feeling with him deep down, that I didn't listen to, because I was used to ignoring that.

I was extremely troubled myself the year after I quit contact, lost my mum. At first, I totally failed to understand that maybe the good-father-stuff might be a mask. After a while I did understand people actually lie sometimes. I told CPS about my feelings, his talk of psychopathy, her suidical feelings and gesture, and that I didn't know what to think. They told me they wouldn't do anything, because it was a while ago that I saw them. And because he knew he had a problem (he didn't, he thought he was better than other for it). I inquired again recently, asking if I should do something, and what then. They said they still don't do anything, but I may talk to her mother if I wished. I don't know her. I was friends, long ago, with a friend of the mother.

Sorry for the long story, but details say a lot in such situations.

I'm really clueless and doubting myself and worried about the kid. There's something off. A kid shouldnt be suicidal. Profound giftedness can cause a kid to be emotionally troubled. But a psychopathic father as well. If he is. What do you guys think? What can I do? And how? If what he says is correct, I don't really have any information that is new to the mother.

[notrightinthehead]

I think you did well to break contact with this guy. Don't go back. Don't involve yourself with him again. You have enough problems on your own you don't need to take on other peoples problems too.  You have already done more than enough by making CPS aware.  You have no proof and your suspicions are from a year ago. Better you focus on the things you can control, your own mental well-being, living responsibly, and behaving in a mature way. You want to grow into the best person you can be. That is your focus. This guy and his daughter are no longer in your life.

[Marianne]

Thanks for your help!

I need a LOT of focus on myself and my kid at this moment indeed, and can't really afford bringing more angry people into the already disturbed life of my son and me. Fighting psychopaths isn't really a hobby to pick up, I guess, when you are very busy building up your own grown self still. And protecting your kid.

I just am trying hard atm to put pieces of puzzles in their right place. And realizing all sorts of things were not normal (in me as well as others). I feel obliged to the girl. She showed similar signals I had as a kid, and how I wished someone around us had seen me and helped me as a kid. Signaled to someone that there was a problem.

I don't think there is much I can do though...her mother is the one needing to protect her, where I have a lot of work to do protecting my own kid. And healing myself. On the other hand I feel part of being a mature person, is not looking away when people are possibly getting hurt.