I'm adrift

[marten77]

I have an hour before I go to pick up my girls from my ex uBPD.

My story is very similar to many of the others under this subheadings.

Was with my ex for 13 years. 85% of that time was bad. Lots of conflict.

I had an awesome relationship with my girls. In the spring of 2021 my oldest started cutting on herself because of my ex. My ex knew this and wouldn't agree to my oldest going to therapy (we were never married, so she had equal say).

Both of my girls begged me to do something. End it. They literally said, "Anything is better than what we are living with now."

So, I acted. I planned out an escape. It almost worked, but things exploded in my face before I could get it complete.

Ex took the girls. Since we weren't married, she got them and kept them from me for 4 months. When I finally got to court, we reverted to joint custody: 1week on, 1 week off.

But, it was too late. She had them and they were/still are completely in her camp. They refuse to talk to me. They blame me for everything. They tell me that they only want to see me 2 weekends a month (which is the minimum amount of time allowed before termination of parental rights so Ex can keep child support).

Both girls ate now in therapy. But Ex insists she be the only one to take them to therapy. The therapists have not been overly helpful in this regard either. All they say is, we don't decide who brings them, that's outside our scope. They don't say, "we don't decide that, but it is important that both parents be involved in the treatment. " Even still, the therapists have told me during one time I was able to speak with them that they could tell when my girls were parroting Ex's talking points.

Trying to get a court hearing is almost impossible.

The lawyers don't care. The Judge doesn't care. Ex can do as she pleases with no ramifications. And I'm told by everyone that I'm the one who has to take the high ground. I'm the one who has to play by the rules.

The summer has been long. Exhausting. My oldest seems to be more neutral towards me. My youngest is the most oppositional.

I miss my girls that I knew. I miss the relationship we had. I miss being a dad to my girls. To them,, I am no longer a Dad. I'm an ATM. When they see me, all they ask me for is to buy stuff for them (buy their love). When I refuse, they retreat to their rooms and hide from me all week until they have to leave to go back to Ex's. 

So much has been ruined. I don't know that it can ever be repaired.

Everyone says to keep fighting. Don't give up on them. They're your children. They'll get it one day.

I don't know if I can continue the fight for another 7 years on just the mere hope that they will one day see the light again about their mother.

I'm tired.

[Marianne]

Hey, I don't have wise advices or solutions for you...

But I want to wish you so much strength. I know the heartbreak of a child withdrawing, though in my case it was just as much my fault.  Hang on, for your daughters. You never know when they come back. A friend was estranged from her parent, and as an adult returned. Don't give up. 

No idea what to recommend, but just wishing you strength.

[verum71]

Marten 77 - hang in there.  I've been there as well. 3 kids - the youngest is 15.  She (daughter) is currently contemplating staying at her mom's house, and it is a crushing weight - I feel for ya.  If it is any consolation, my oldest did eventually come around as he got older - my middle son is just starting to reach out and in an effort to reconnect.  The only recourse is just trying to stay away from any event or situation that could make things worse.  It is frustrating when you are unable to do something - anything - in a situation like this