The dying grandma

[Ladymm]

Hello,

My grandma is supposedly dying. Last time I saw grandma was in 2019. After that time I would call her every now and then and she would always tell me that there is no need to come see her in the retired peoples home where she resided.Her argument was that just old people were visiting the facility she is living in and that no young people come ever so it is best we dont come. This was all in the light of trasmitting corona,like people in their 30s like me go to corona ridden places,while her sister or her children dont even go to the store and are thus safe. She herself got corona twice in these 3 years and got it just in the facility. Nevertheless, she went to the store and she also went to visit her other sister in a city one hour far (my parents took her). I felt these were just excuses.
My intuition told me she didnnot want to see me.
She said no when i wanted to visit her in winter,and she said no in summer when we could just sit in the garden.

My mother is a total narc and likes to appear like a saint in the eyes of people. So occasions with illness and death are her time to shine. Yesterday my parents and sister (who developed ina flying monkey as it seems) called me that grandma is dying as it seems. She is on chemo for old age leukemia and not doing well.They said i should go visit her and that she would be happy. And this is my mothers manipulation technique,which is to say somebody will be "happy". Also when she is intrusive,also when she pressess you to do something and always just to fill her narc supply battery, her conclusion is that even if she crosses all boundariea,and achieves her goal to do what she wants she concludes that the person/you in the end was happy. This is her invention and excuse. I said I will not go visit grandma because she did not want to see me for 3 yrs. And they have an excuse for that also,which is that she did not want to bother me. This is not true. I sincerely thought she did not want to see me. Why should I now "just" take a mask, go to the facility and visit her and in the se time not respect her wish of not wanting to see me like they suggested? What obligation am I serving?

My granmda took care of me but was a bit like her son,my father - she did what she had to doo but you felt like she was distant and even though she was a hardworkimg housewife you could see she somehow that she did all by the book in caring for me,but there was no heart in it. So her wish for not seeing me is somehow logical.

I feel I should respect her wish and not visit her even in her last days. Emotionally I dont really feel any impulse to do so. I am not revengefuI,I just feel I respect her wish to leave her alone in her last days since left alone was what she wanted. This is a totally disfunctional family anyway, so this is just a glimpse of it. Also I once thought grandma cared about me but in the last 3 years I saw she never loved me. Like when I went to work for my father and treated me lowly and in a partial way - I found out he did not love me. My mother its evident she cant love nayone, but these two had mixed messages and I felt love for them at certain points. But not anymore, it is painful and fair anyway that,even through hard lessons, I saw their true faces.

She is free to go wherever it is meant for her next, for me our karmic knots are undone.

Thank you for reading,I had to vent

[Ladymm]

I feel a bit bad cos I feel I dont want to visit just to avoid a dying person,because dealing with a dying person is complicated,especially since i did not see grandma for three years,but my intuition tells me not to listen to this and that if it was a normal interaction i had no problem to visit - but since all family is toxic i will never feel the more suave feelings

[Leonor]

Oh yes! The dying grandma.

It's like their own pieta.



So like back in the day they'd do what they called tableaux vivants, which is when rich fancy people would dress up like a famous painting or statue and just stand there and their friends would wander about and be all ooh and aah about it. Really, it was a thing.

That's what your post reminds me of. Like your family is getting ready to strike all these poses that they've seen somewhere else, and it's all an empty act, they're just playing these stock parts. "Here in the corner we have the Dutiful Daughter attending to her Saintly Mother, who bends ever so mournfully over ... The Dying Grandma."

They just want you in the act, too, because then they'll kid themselves that this is all real and emotional and not some dog and pony show.

You don't want to visit your grandmother. Don't. Let them put on their fancy dress and ooh and aah at each other, and if you want to grieve or say goodbye or let go of your grandmother, you do it in a way that is authentic and genuine and feels true to you.

[Ladymm]

Leonor,

thank you for your reply ! It is as you described. It is though difficult to connect with ones most authentic self in these cases, because the fog is strong.  I even dreamt this night I was amidst a fog. I wrote to a non-profit and asked for a (free) psychological counselling (my therapist is on holidays), since I don't feel friends might be a good source to turn to for empathy, because they might not even understand my complex feelings and I have no energy to deal with fruitless explanations.

[NarcKiddo]

I got sent to visit my dying grandmother. In my case I loved her and she loved me. They didn't bother to tell me she was terminally ill until they sent me to her deathbed and when I got there I discovered they hadn't even told her she was dying. So I was supposed to say goodbye without saying goodbye. Crazy.

Anyway, a death is a big and final thing thing; if you know somebody is terminally ill then you owe it to yourself to consider whether you would like to see them.

Before you make a final decision I would invite you to consider whether people other than your grandmother were behind her wishes not to see you during covid. It was a very useful time to exert control over people. Maybe she was exerting control by hiding behind covid. But maybe your parents were feeding her the narrative that she was unsafe and should only do things sanctioned by them (hence the visit they took her on to see her sister). I would also invite you to consider whether your grandmother's apparent wishes about seeing you may have changed now she is on her deathbed. That does not mean you have to go along with her wishes in any way. But once she is gone there is ample opportunity for a narc mother to guilt trip you if you don't go and to claim she wanted to see you. If, deep down, you might have wanted to see her if only she would admit to wanting to see you then that is an opportunity lost forever once she's gone.

I realise this sounds as though I might be trying to persuade you to go, and I want to make it totally clear that is not my intention. I have no truck with people who guilt trip and go on about how you must see people because  they are family. It's just that your initial post gives me the impression that you are not visiting now because you think she does not want to see you based on past behaviour and maybe you might consider asking her if she does want you to visit IF you would then want to see her.

If you are sure that you don't want to see her then that is what is right for you and please ignore everything I have written above.

Hugs to you.

[Ladymm]

NarcKiddo,

thank you for sharing your view. I will try to consider what you wrote.

I don't believe my parents had that kind of influence on her, or maybe partially. When I called her, it was pretty clear she did not want me to visit her. Also I told her she can call me and she almost never did, maybe once a year. I felt and I know they manipulated her, but I believe in deciding whether visiting her or less she was free. Also, my parents like the show where all visit grandma and are a fake happy family, and they "checked" (=manipulated) on me, if I was visiting and calling grandma. I was guilty of not visiting her becaus eapparently I should visit and call her even she did not show any wish in me doing so. But they are very controversial so who knows. Also, my grandma does not have dementia or something I really had the feeling she was dismissive of me.

I called her like 3 weeks ago and I sensed no wish in seeing me. I called her also yesterday, and there was no reply (ok now she is weak). I don't know, I feel like she can go. Also my parents visit her but she never formulated a wish to them to see me either as it seems. She didn't even want to tell me she had cancer, but maybe even my parents did not tell her. I feel like I respect her wish of leaving her alone if I don't go.

[Ladymm]

Also, it annoys me and makes me angry to have to guess people's behaviour in these moments. She is an adult with a clear mind and she met many people, and also my sister visited I believe. I really did not like being ignored by her in the last 3 years and maybe it is really me who has no wish to visit.

[NarcKiddo]

You have obviously thought it through and are doing what is right for you. I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything.

[Ladymm]

Sorry I am a bit emotional and used your post to regurgitate my thought process once more. It is ok. Now grandma is admitted to hospital but there is no visits due to covid and thats it the doctor said. But I am ok apart from the occasional doubt. It is easier for me there is no visits , even if it might sound hypocrite

[Ladymm]

Update- my grandma is apparently not dying yet,she got a new medicine and is stable for now. There is no medicine though for my narc mother and her filters of life. Now I endured a lesson on how they go every day to bring grandma things and how she appreciates it and how small things mean to people who are old and ill. I said I have to go and cut yhe call because my brain was starting to swell. I cant stand my mother. You never know if it is reality or just drama.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you are being put through all of this. It's very stressful.

[Ladymm]

I just wanted to write an epilogue to this thread.

My grandma eventually died. The only thing I felt was anger. I was not sad, I do not miss her and I do not think I should have visited her more. She chose how her life would be and my anger was a logical consequence to her choice,because to a degree,as i wrote above, I loved her. I dont hold a grudge, what i felt was clear and healthy therapeutical anger.

My cousin who is about my age did not even come to grandma's funeral,because she had problems cancelling her holidays. First I went into sarcastic mode,but then I thought,she was right! I dont have contact with my cousin but I am quite sure my grandma did not contqct her as well. First i thought that this was too mich,but then and still now I have been thinking my cousin was right!

But I wanted to go to the funeral,its not that i wouldnt go..but I totally understand my cousin also for not coming if it is true gm did not contact her much or even for whatever reason she chose not to come

But the most important thing is that I feel fooled with the "oh you must call grandma,visit her bla bla". No she did not want!this was her choice. I just called her two days before she died. Even this I feel i did it compulsively. Death is the ultimate mirror of a person and i dont believe,as they taught me,that just because someone dies you will regret not seeing them/visiting them. There was a reason why you did not want to visit your relatives,because it is not natural to break familial balance without strong reasons, it goes against human nature! And when they will die all will be just the same or even more clearer maybe! Now i feel more prepared to face the eventual deaths of the top three toxic people in my life - my parents and my other grandma. Death changes nothing!