Update on Friend Repeating Herself

[countrygirl]

Hello,

I am sorry this is such a boring interaction to describe, but thought I would post an update.  I wrote my friend, saying that I'd been giving her space on her vacation, but that since I hadn't heard from her for a long while, I was concerned.  I said I knew she'd said she wouldn't "necessarily write every day," but that this had been a long time.

She replied that she didn't remember saying that!   She said she hadn't been doing social media, except to reply to people's comments about a video her boyfriend had posted.   However, she e-mailed me almost immediately after I wrote her this morning, so clearly she was checking her e-mail!   
There were various "dear friends" and "love you's"  in her reply, but I really think actions speaks louder than words.  Why did she get so bent out of shape when I once wrote a bit late, but then think that it was okay for her to go completely silent?  I know the answer to that:  It's okay for her to go silent, but not for me to!

Oh well, "another one bites the dust."   I don't want to repeat MY pattern of hanging in there forever while someone repeats their pattern.   

[blacksheep7]

Hello,

I am sorry this is such a boring interaction to describe, but thought I would post an update.  I wrote my friend, saying that I'd been giving her space on her vacation, but that since I hadn't heard from her for a long while, I was concerned.  I said I knew she'd said she wouldn't "necessarily write every day," but that this had been a long time.

She replied that she didn't remember saying that!  She said she hadn't been doing social media, except to reply to people's comments about a video her boyfriend had posted.   However, she e-mailed me almost immediately after I wrote her this morning, so clearly she was checking her e-mail!   
There were various "dear friends" and "love you's"  in her reply, but I really think actions speaks louder than words.  Why did she get so bent out of shape when I once wrote a bit late, but then think that it was okay for her to go completely silent?  I know the answer to that:  It's okay for her to go silent, but not for me to!

Oh well, "another one bites the dust."   I don't want to repeat MY pattern of hanging in there forever while someone repeats their pattern.

Not remembering is always a good excuse that many use.

Exactly!  Actions do speak louder than words.

Friends come and go as we figure out who they are to us.

[Amy-Rose]

Patterns of this kind of treatment aren't a good sign.

I have one like that: Love bombed while being used, then ignored for weeks on end, then the pattern begins again.

Some people only have their own interests at heart.

[notrightinthehead]

Countrygirl, sounds like you have not forgiven her for blowing up at you before. You also seem suspicious of her and think that she is not authentic. That's not a good basis for a friendship. Maybe you have outgrown this friend?

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your replies, black sheep, Amy-Rose and notrightinthehead!

I agree about "not remembering" being a handy excuse, black sheep.  I once had a friend who would always say, to any and all who called her on something she'd said, "That doesn't even sound like something I would say."  She'd used that one on me, and then she would tell me about other people confronting her, and how she would tell them:  "That doesn't even sound like something I would say."  So, she always had that one ready!   And I would bet this friend doesn't remember a lot!

Amy-Rose, the love bombing is really too much, isn't it?  It is so manipulative.  Sometimes I take it seriously, because I don't throw around a lot of "I love you. You're like a sister to me. You're the kindest person I've ever met," etc., unless I really mean it. 

And, you're correct, notrightinthehead, I didn't forgive her for the way she ghosted me because I ONCE wrote to her in the morning, as opposed to the evening before.  It was such an extreme reaction, and I tried so hard to get her to see reason. But she wasn't being reasonable, so why did I expect her to see reason?  So when she contacted me during the start of Covid, I knew that she might pull something again.  Quelle surprise!  She did.  But I felt hurt, concerned and angry, nonetheless!   But I have learned my lesson this time. 

[Catothecat]

When someone does this, what makes it all worse is they expect you to tolerate the bad behavior and let it go.  They're more than happy to call you out for something you do, real or otherwise, but it's not reciprocal. 

I once had an old friend who I hadn't heard from in years tell me I said something to her I hadn't said (which is why I hadn't heard from her in years).  When I explained that I couldn't have said it because it involved a mutual friend I had long lost touch with, her response was basically (and you guessed it!)...silence.  No "sorry I've been holding this grudge against you for years for something you didn't do", no "oops guess I was wrong, thanks for clearing that up," no...nothing.   She couldn't admit she was wrong/made a mistake and isn't that typical?!

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

I am sorry you had this experience.  I have experienced that silence a lot.  The silence and the "non-apology apology," which is: " I'm sorry you feel that way."  In both instances, they refuse to take any responsibility.  There is no accountability for their behavior. 

I used to describe these sorts of confrontations  to another friend, who would always say, "And what did she say when you told her fill-in-the-blank/"  I would always reply, "She didn't say anything." 

Looking back, I wish I'd asked them why they weren't saying anything.  You know, these interactions require so much energy.  As I wrote that about asking them why they weren't talking, I felt tired.  I remembered being able to prove things to them--as you did by pointing out that you weren't even in touch with the mutual friend at the time--only to be met with silence.  I guess I was hoping for more, for anything!   But they are takers, not givers.