Does therapy help when you can't change or escape the situation?

[Frustrated Guy]

Honest question, I would love to feel better. I would love for the situation to be different, or have the power to change the circumstances. However, in all of my research, the more I know the less I feel able to find a solution.

For many NC is the answer but that is not currently an option for me. I have met with a therapist just as a sanity check and she confirmed (as I shared it) that I was proceeding as best I could and that The situation may very well not change. The therapist did offer some suggestions to help me move forward (including NC) but as I said that is currently not an option.

So for those who have been there, what benefit did therapy provide?

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Hello again.

You've raised an important point that many of us have to cope with. Some of us have to maintain contact with the person who is abusing us. We can't get away from them.

With a therapist we can explore alternative behaviours we can use. Maybe they could suggest something that you've probably never thought of.

They would be helping you, obviously not your sister.

We have choices even if we don't realise or feel that we do. You have a choice to walk away from your work situation but you are choosing to stay there. You may not feel that you want to walk away or ever should but that is a choice. You want to stay working there.

I'm not saying that you should leave the family business. Why should you? It's not your fault that your sister is being abusive towards you.

It maybe her intention to drive you away from the business by intimidating you so that she may take it over. You may have some legal recourse. You may need to get some legal advice. You may need to get an injunction against her to stop her being physically near you, I don't know. I'm not a legal expert.

In a big company there would be someone to complain to and action taken against her if she didn't comply.

Recognising that abusers are all about power and control helps me to understand my uBPD/NPD sister's behaviour and my part in it.

There were many times when I didn't realise that I had choices in how I interacted with her.

I felt compelled to answer her desperate phone calls or open the door to her and let her in. I felt compelled to give her money otherwise she threatened suicide.

I realise now that I had a choice to answer her calls, open the door or give her money.

I chose to do those things.

It's something that I'm having to come to terms with. I put myself in abusive situations because my sister is a family member and I am supposed to love and care about her. I was also there to make sure her children and husband were coping with all the abuse. I felt that I couldn't absent myself completely in case they needed help. Also I had to be around to help my frail, elderly parents with her.

There were many times that I called for police and ambulances when it all became too much. My elderly mother was under safeguarding to protect her from my sister. My father wanted to take an overdose because the stress was too much for him to cope with.

You need to find ways of having less contact with your sister, if that is at all possible. I know it must be difficult for you.

There are ways of behaving so that your interactions are as brief and as calm as possible. Techniques such as Medium Chill and Grey Rock can help you to manage those times.

You may like to find out about DBT Dialectical Behaviour Therapy founded by Marsha Linehan and MBT Mentalization  Based Therapy founded by Prof Anthony Bateman to help you understand more about how to talk to her without her becoming enraged. You could learn more about staying calm and validating her feelings.

There is a YouTube channel called BorderlinerNotes which has archived lots of additional unused footage from the documentary "Borderline". They have lots of talks from mental health professionals.

I think my sister is scared, frightened and feels threatened all the time. I feel huge sympathy for her but I still can't cope with her behaviour.

I have learnt to become a lighthouse not a lifeboat, by not trying to rescue her all the time.

I saw a psychiatrist many years ago because I wasn't coping well. I'm still not. He told me about BPD. From then on my life began to change. I found a BPD carers group and other mental health carers support groups as well. We have supported each other through some very challenging times. I shall probably need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that. I contacted my local carers centre and I was able to call them when I needed and go to their meetings.

We need to find support for ourselves in our local community. We need to talk about our feelings more. That way we can build our self esteem.

It takes time to learn new skills. I'm still learning.

I still find it difficult to maintain my boundaries with my uBPD/NPD sister. I need to in order to keep my sanity.

I hope I make sense.

I don't know how you can cope being with you sister every day. It must be awful to feel that you can't work in a friendly calm environment. It must be affecting your physical health and your relationships if you feel stressed about it all the time.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting

[Frustrated Guy]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I hope to learn, contribute, and support this group in a similar way. I appreciate the trigger warning but you aren't telling me anything I haven't already figured out. Sounds like you have been through the ringer and that helps me put my challenges into perspective. My heart goes out to you for what you have managed.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! In addition to medium chill and grey rock behaviour named above, I would like to suggest you implement Boundaries when interacting with your sister. Check out the Toolbox for a description of these strategies.
I found therapy very helpful, not so much for the relationship with the PD in my life, but for strengthening my self esteem and healing my own emotional wounds. It also helped me to remain calmer.  Mindfulness meditation also helped to stay centered. I don't know about you, you didn't say, but I often was in an emotionally unbalanced, mentally confused state when interacting with the PD in my life. I did and said things that I regret.  I found it healing to take the focus off the PD (check out the three C rule) and look at what I could control- my behaviour. Good luck to you! See you around on the boards.

[NarcKiddo]

I have a uNPD mother and am not prepared to go NC as things stand, but she is a major cause of stress in my life.

I have been doing therapy for about 6 weeks now and I have found it way more helpful than I expected.

Sometimes just being able to get it all out helps. I have bottled up a load of crap for decades.

Bearing in mind the only person you can change is you, I have found therapy helpful in suggesting different ways of looking at things and of adjusting my own behaviour and expectations. I have always felt that the only person who can pull me out of the mire is me, and I am the only person I can truly rely on. My therapist is not all about giving me answers. She asks questions and prompts me to explore why I feel how I feel and think how I think. She mentions strategies that might help but it's up to me whether and how I try them. I have found inner-child work helpful (and I was surprised as I thought it was a load of "woo"). Reading about transactional analysis has also helped and I had never heard of that before.

I have found it helpful in dealing with relationships other than the one I was seeking help with. I have also found that my anxiety and stress levels have dropped simply by doing the therapy. I feel I am doing something to help myself and that alone is reassuring and helpful.

Clearly some aspects will depend on how good the therapist is and how you gel with them. I am not doing face to face therapy - it's online. That suits me very well at the moment because there are some things I am not sure I could actually say to someone's face but I can write them. There is an option to have telephone or zoom consultations if you want. I might do that at some stage but right now I don't feel the need.

[hhaw]

Bloomie just left an amazing post on the SECRECY threadd by Hilly on this board that would be helpful to you, Frustrated Guy.

Yuo can't change the people or their behavior, but you can identify your trauma responses, figure out if you want to keep them then discern new ways of responding if that's your choice.

You can only control yourself and your ability to respond.

If you're not aware of your trauma reactivity..... bc they're largely reactions you're not aware of bc they;'re lightening fast bc your brain's well traveled neural pathways are coated with myelin sheaths.... difficult to catch, but possible with mindful practice.

Find a good trauma informed therapist, perhaps one advertiz
ing EMDR and AIT (Advanced Integrative Therapy) particularly AIT, to help you process trauma OUT of yuor brain and body so you're no longer experiencing like it's still happening to you in the present.

Not all Therapists are trauma infomred therapists  and I kissed a lot of frogs before finding one I clicked with.  It sounds like your current T isn't the right one for you, but that's OK.  90% research.  10% execution.  It's OK to interview therapists and break off treatment after many appointments when you figure out it's not optimal.  Sometimes Therapists give us better referrals with more information, so the wrong therapist can sometimes lead one to the right Therapist.

[Frustrated Guy]

Just checking in. Wanted to say thanks for the thoughtful responses. There seems to be a well-regarded therapist in our area who focus's on narcissistic trauma. I have stumbled across more than a few of her articles in my journey. I may just give it a shot.

[guitarman]

I posted about this trauma summit in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum that you maybe interested in.

FREE "The Biology of Trauma 2.0" online with many expert speakers.

August 8 - 14th, 2022

https://biologyoftrauma.byhealthmeans.com/