NMom masquerades as beneficent caregiver

[donutmoonpanda]

NMom keeps changing her profile photos on social media to other people. She cultivates her image as Little Miss Caregiver. Always sacrificing for others.

Sometimes it's a photo of her deceased mother, who she didn't really care for in old age. I mean, she constantly complained about her growing elderly needs and resented the idea that she should take her in to look after her -- which nobody even suggested. She eventually fell in her home, entered nursing care, and died shortly thereafter. Mom visited her almost every day, but it was just for appearances. She complained about her nonstop. "Oh, I have to go see your grandma..." Then she'd launch into a list of complaints and grievances about her imaginary obligations, which is all she ever talks about.

Then she changed her photo to a picture of her & her cousin. The cousin had a stroke recently and is now living with her eldest son and his family. They take care of her. She doesn't even live in the same state as my mom. Last time my mom mentioned this cousin she was saying how uncomfortable she is with her degree of disability/her inability to really take care of herself at this point. She needs a high level of care; she can't even stand up on her own. What mom is really saying is that she's uncomfortable being caregiver to her cousin. But that doesn't stop her from plastering their photo all over social media as if she sees her often or caregives for her in any capacity.

The interesting thing is that my older brother is severely disabled, but our mom would pretty much do anything to get out of helping him in any way. She doesn't want to be his caregiver because that would be a REAL job. It would be an actual time-consuming job. She can't just slip in and out of his life easily and pretend to be Little Miss Caregiver.

The fact is that if anyone really needed her help, she'd stuff them in a home or run away to live in another state. She likes to busy herself with her women's group, fundraising for sick children, but she can't be bothered to visit her own sick child. Such a philanthropist. It's a great way to position herself for full metal waifery.

Anyone else have experience like this? Tell me about how your PD parent masquerades as a hero, a noble caregiver, a selfless sacrificer.

[easterncappy]

This is very common behavior across several personality disorders. Everything is about appearance. In fact, they can't wrap their minds around people doing things for reasons besides appearance. It's been a recurring theme in my life that if I do anything even semi-decent, the PD's in my life imply that I'm doing it to look good. And if they do something appearing to be altruistic, the motivation is always that they want to hear compliments and praise. Sometimes they even outright admit to it... mine would to me, in private, because for the longest time she thought that I thought like her and was "on her side".

A funny story about my mom: She had a friend whose daughter desperately needed a kidney transplant. She'd post about it on social media all of the time, and rant to me about how "everyone is so selfish because they can't find anyone, it's just a kidney, you don't need them both". I asked her if she'd be willing to do it, then, if it's not a big deal - "NO! Why the hell would I do that?". Hmm, lol.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Dickens wrote about a character like that. Mrs. Jellyby. So generous to the African missions but neglected her own family.

[wesorya]

My birthgiver, since her retirement 16 years ago, has "adopted" numerous families within her community. Whilst performing magnificent acts of service for the community, arranging activities for these adopted families and their children - fun, child-friendly activities - she has often talked about me and my children as if she provides the same level of care and interaction with us. We had to leave the community they lived in, partly because people there were all so convinced that we had such an amazing, supportive family. In reality, we had a sarcastic, nasty grandmother, who would pop in whenever she felt like it for a 3 minute check up, and would barely babysit unless under duress, and even then, the guilt trips and other complications in addition to safety and supervision concerns meant it was never worth it.
She would then tell everyone how amazingly we were doing, and bask in the glory of being such a fabulous grandmother.

[Iris1022]

Yes! With my narc mother, anything that requires effort or genuine support WITHIN our family gets completely ignored; it is beneath her to lift a finger. But when things happen OUTSIDE of the family, she's Mother Teresa.

Example:

Although she moans and groans that she never gets to see my daughter because I don't bring her to visit enough, she doesn't lift a finger to reach out to her or maintain any contact. My daughter is not a baby; she's nearly 10 and would definitely be able to talk on the phone or video chat with her grandmother regularly. But nope, too much effort. If we don't come crawling to her, she ignores. In similar fashion, I'm expecting a baby in two months and she has made zero effort on the support front. She hasn't made any plans to come visit or help out when the baby is born and she's shown zero interest in anything we've been doing to get ready. (I'm sure this is somehow my fault in her eyes, by the way.) What's worse is that my MIL's mother (husband's grandmother) passed away recently. This is someone my mother has met in the past. When she died, my mother did absolutely nothing to express condolences to my MIL or husband. No phone calls, no cards, no nothing.

When things happen outside of the family, it is completely different. About a year ago, the husband of one of mother's friends became terminally ill with cancer. He was under hospice care for several weeks and eventually passed away. Guess who made sure she had a front row seat to it all? Yep, you've got it. Dear Mother. This same friend has several grown children who have had babies in recent years. Guess who showed up at baby showers and birthday parties with smiles and gifts? Yep, Dear Mother.

It's astonishing, really...

[Call Me Cordelia]

I had parents like that, too. Generous to the outside observer but really had ZERO care for me and my children. Just got enough info about us to regurgitate to brag to the real audience. Social media was their game. Swiped my Facebook photos and displayed them as if they had been there having those experiences and took the photos themselves. Bragged about the new grandchild but got their name wrong and flipped when I corrected it.

It's really hurtful. It's absolutely true that it's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their own limitations and disorder. But it's still really hurtful.

Especially when you see them putting on the charm to the outside... it's natural to wonder why you aren't worth the effort to them. If they were consistently acting selfish and rude it would be much easier to not take it personally.

It helped me to realize that my parents have always regarded me (and on down the line to my kids) as an extension of themselves. And really... they hate themselves. They never saw ME at all.

[donutmoonpanda]

It helped me to realize that my parents have always regarded me (and on down the line to my kids) as an extension of themselves. And really... they hate themselves. They never saw ME at all.

There's really no getting around that fact.

[Sneezy]

My mom is a classic martyr and therefore many of her caregiver actions are all about furthering her narrative as someone who sacrifices non-stop for others.  Another interesting reason is to gain information.  For my mom, information is currency.  And so if she calls people to ask about their illness or other suffering, she both appears to be a caring person, while also gaining inside information and gossip that she can pass on to others.  Mom loves to be "in the know" and to make frantic phone calls to share the latest scoop (it also gives her a reason to call people when she is bored).

There are many reasons for this type of behavior and none of them all that good.  In my opinion, someone who does something nice to care for someone else does it out of genuine love and concern, and would rather not have their caregiving noticed.  But that is exactly the opposite of how someone with a PD thinks.  For them, life is very transactional - it's all about giving as little as possible in order to gain as much as they can (a behavior that is surely rooted in insecurity).