Seeing uPD ”Mom” this weekend

[MIB]

My "mother" meets the medical diagnostic criteria for a general PD. I'm not sure if she's a narc or a borderline (or something else, as she's never been formally diagnosed, big surprise), but there's no doubt in my mind that she's PD.

I live an hour away and have a young family, and she helps in no way, shape or form. She also makes it harder as she doesn't want her grandchildren or my husband over, and is unable (unwilling) to commute to our place (despite there being a train that's easy peasy to take).

She is also an incredible energy suck who *only* talks about herself - to her, it seems I have no life or feelings whatsoever that would require asking about.

I've managed to not see her for several months now (thank you Covid!) but she's asked me over Sunday and since it's been a while I figured I'd make it a short visit and get it over with for the summer, with the intent of not seeing her again till late Fall or around Christmas.

The thing is...I hate going. Derive no pleasure  whatsoever from the interaction.

Any tips for making it less awful (aside from making it short)?

Thanks
MIB

[easterncappy]

I think they call it gray rock. Depending on what her problem is, don't bring up anything that's even a few degrees removed from something she likes to cause Situations™ about. For my mom, that's stuff like finances, my husband, my church... anything even vaguely related to these things is fair game for her to verbally abuse me.

Better yet, why are you going? I understand that not everyone can or wants to go NC. But is there some sort of legitimate reason keeping you coming over (perhaps it's the only way to see a relative you actually like)? Or is it just out of obligation? If there's no legitimate reason, you can learn to say no. Even if it feels like she's going to jump through the phone and choke you for declining, she's not. Imagine being on the receiving end of someone feeling like they have to "get it over with" when they visit you... most of us would feel terrible and we'd work on what makes us so unpleasant to be around. Says a lot that PD parents don't even care that maybe we have legitimate reasons for not enjoying being around them.

[SunnyMeadow]

I never figured out how to make it less awful. It was always awful listening to her go on about herself. It got to the point where I'd think up topics to keep her talking about non-mean things. She loved medical topics so that would keep her going. I'd bring up towns she lived in or neighbors from long ago. Then she didn't have much time to gossip and put down family and friends. It worked pretty well for a while until she bubbled over with mean thoughts and had to throw out zingers about various people.

Read up on medium chill and gray rock. I also kept in mind the "observe don't absorb" technique (look up Ross Rosenberg). I imagined myself holding a clipboard with my glasses perched on the end of my nose observing her prattle on about nonsense. But the don't absorb part ... easy to think about doing but not that easy to actually do.

[NarcKiddo]

Observe, don't absorb has been a bit of a game changer for me. I've used grey rock for years - before I even knew it had a name I'd started doing it when I figured out it helped. But the observing has really helped me not to do the absorbing so much.

Also, before you go I suggest you mentally prepare yourself for the fact she will only talk about herself, and decide that you won't be annoyed if she does not ask about you. If she does, I'd recommend giving no actual information since that can be used to hassle you with. It might be worth thinking up some boring answers in advance, since otherwise you may find yourself saying stuff you don't want to share if she takes you by surprise.

[easterncappy]

I never figured out how to make it less awful. It was always awful listening to her go on about herself. It got to the point where I'd think up topics to keep her talking about non-mean things. She loved medical topics so that would keep her going. I'd bring up towns she lived in or neighbors from long ago. Then she didn't have much time to gossip and put down family and friends. It worked pretty well for a while until she bubbled over with mean thoughts and had to throw out zingers about various people.

Read up on medium chill and gray rock. I also kept in mind the "observe don't absorb" technique (look up Ross Rosenberg). I imagined myself holding a clipboard with my glasses perched on the end of my nose observing her prattle on about nonsense. But the don't absorb part ... easy to think about doing but not that easy to actually do.

My mom is so used to putting others down, and she's so convinced that it's a normal thing to do, that I haven't figured out a way around her doing it. She thinks that me rejecting my dad due to his choice to be a violent alcoholic pervert with no respect towards me is just me being mean, too. In reality, I'm rejecting him for reasons of his moral character, something he can help, something that is completely normal criteria for if you want someone in your life or not. But she always snaps back and says something stupid about my husband... usually about his appearance, his job, or something else that's just mean. Because everything is a power play and God forbid I have legitimate issues with my dad.

If I get her talking about pies and violets she's usually fine. I hate catching myself telling her "too much". It's always ammo against me or my husband. Something goes wrong with the well water at our house, "omg how dare that runt make you live in a busted up house". Any financial issues are met with the most condescending possible advice that's often just... not even rooted in reality. It's not even gray rocking at this point. I can't tell her about certain subjects without a torrent of manipulation, insults, abuse.

[Cat of the Canals]

Check out the Grey Rock and Medium Chill guides in the Toolbox:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment

I'm particularly fond of the list of MC responses. There's one for almost anything.

And to piggyback on what NarcKiddo said about observing vs. absorbing: I like to imagine myself as a scientist. I pretend I'm wearing a lab coat and I have an imaginary clipboard that I use to jot down what the "subject" (PDmom) is currently doing. "Ahh, she's currently engaged in classic black/white thinking. Interesting." Sometimes I even pretend there's a pane of glass or a cage between us, which adds another layer of "separateness." It sounds silly, but it keeps from engaging emotionally.

As for feeling like you've been drained by an energy vampire after the fact, I've yet to come up with a solution for that. It's one of the reasons I'm LC! I always plan to have at least a day to wind down afterward, and I usually journal and do a lot of venting to help me process it all.

[bee well]

Hi MIB.

Grayrock, medium chill, and observe, don't absorb, as the others have said, are great tools.

I don't interrupt my MIL when she starts going on and on. I will occasionally ask questions to keep her going (sounds awful but then she doesn't fixate on others in the room.) Smiling and nodding,  "Uh huh" "uh huh," interpersed with really?? seems to keep her going. In the meantime I am usually day dreaming, but if I get lost I just ask her another question and she gets going again.

If she gets particilarly nasty or starts in with character assasinations DH and/or I will abruptly change the conversation or get up and leave the room.

We also schedule self-care to recover from the energy drain. When the visits fall on holidays we have a private celebration as well to offset whatever usually goes down at the IL house. That really helps to counter  "she ruined the holiday" resentment.

Humor can help. We sometimes imagine MIL as a cartoon villain bent on destruction, then ridiculize the whole thing when we talk about it later. It's tragicomic but occasionally we get a really good laugh out of it.

Good luck with your upcoming visit ....

[MIB]

Thank you everyone for your helpful responses and suggestions. I've looked in the toolkit (and love the idea of presenting to be the scientist observing). That helps a lot.

And easterncappy, to answer your question as to why I go...I've asked that of myself too. My father died about a year ago and I'm an only child. We (both my parents and I) were vvvvvvLC before he died, and my mom was/ is generally very incapable (she didn't know how to use a bank card or pump gas kind of incapable, but of course she's had to learn a lot since he passed) so I really had no choice but to step in if I wanted to see his funeral and estate managed well.

I went thru a "HyperCare period" in the year that followed where we talked once a week, then couldn't do it any more and backed off to where we are now, which is minimal contact (mostly occasional texts). The reason I maintain some relationship is so I don't feel like a bad person for totally abandoning my widowed mother who basically has no one else (because of how she acts). So I'm trying to do the bare minimum that my conscience feels good about.

It's not fun and I'd love it to be different, but I'm realistic and know it won't.